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OMG Help! My partner's mum is driving me ROUND THE BEND!

(5 Posts)
RocketSalad Fri 03-May-13 15:03:58

My partner and I have been together for over a year and he moved in with me 2 months ago. We have managed to integrate our two quite disparate families together rather well, no mean task given my four are in their teens and twenties and his two are 3 and 5. We are all extremely happy and things are very very good.

But let me talk about my partner's mum. She is an authority on everything, tells everyone what to do and how and when and who with etc. She constantly texts and phones my partner offering her thoughts on any subject or issue you care to mention. This is managed by him (and the rest of his family) by saying "yes Mum" and then not taking a blind bit of notice. Up until recently I have been unaffected; she has no say in our household.

She endlessly frets about not being allowed to see her grandchildren and doesn't seem to mind what she does or says to ensure she gets to see them each week. She frequently tries to manage the relationship between my partner, his ex-wife and their two boys; this in itself has caused problems but more recently she has begun to involve me. When I say involve, I mean blame. There have been a couple of occasions for whatever reason that she has not had her weekly visit or they have been unavailable to her when she has requested to see them. Apparently this is because I may visit (with my partner and upon invitation only) whilst she has them which (again apparently) upsets my partner's ex. To the point she (MIL) extended an invitation to me last week and then withdrew it. My partner thought I was being rude in not going which sparked off a bit of a discussion.

Her latest interference has stunned me! We are going to a big family do for which an overnight stay is required. My partner and I have a double room booked. She has now declared we are giving it up for a family member who is bringing along his new partner at the last minute and we are to have a twin room, her logic being that I may not go as I am currently ill. The party is 6 weeks away. Not only that, she has told the party organisers I probably won't go either. All this without so much as a by your bloody leave. I have of course said no way are we giving it up and I will be going even if I have to taken on a sack trolley. I know if I give in to her it will happen all the time. I would have happily given up the room had I been asked. And this has sparked another bloody discussion. I may have called her an interfering trout! Thankfully he laughed!

Of course we have discussed how we can manage it. He has said I can manage it how I like. So I will stand my ground all the way. Just wondering what other mumsnetters had to offer in terms of similar experience and outcomes.

Hullygully Fri 03-May-13 15:07:27

kill her

save time

Beamur Fri 03-May-13 15:12:10

When alpha females clash...
Be nice, smile. Pick your battles.
She obviously is a strong character, and perhaps has a good relationship with her ex MIL? She will have opinions about how this change affects her son and the grandchildren.
But - it's not on to cross the line and I suspect you're right, this could be the thin end of the wedge. In the first instance, I reckon it is your DP, not you, who should call her on this one and it is also him who should ask her not to get over involved in the relationships between him/his ex/ the kids etc. I'd do that as and when it happens though.
Stand your ground gently at first, there is no need to go to war, just redraw some boundaries.

Cerisier Fri 03-May-13 15:18:38

Sounds like you are old enough and wise enough not to put up with her manipulations.

Tell her to mind her own business and then keep her at arms length. Don't discuss matters with her. You can't trust her.

RocketSalad Fri 03-May-13 15:25:57

Thanks Beamur. Not a good relationship with ex DIL; she refused to integrate with DPs family!

I am a people person and run my own business. She will not even know she is being told where to go.

DP has called her numerous times but she just does wtf she likes and then says oh well. He also called her on the hotel room issue and "letting things just slip out".

I agree she can't be trusted and I don't. I don't tell her anything but unfortunately DP does, unless I specifically say not to.

She did tell DP I intimidate the crap out of her so this may be my saving grace grin

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