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Am I being insecure and irrational?

(69 Posts)
maristella Fri 03-May-13 13:28:12

I have been with DP for about 6m now. Apart from a few hiccups it is a lovely relationship, the best.

But I'm really struggling with something. His friend, who I'll refer to as Ben, is really hard to deal with. When I first spent time with Ben, I had just had some truly terrible news. Ben warned me he likes to play games with people's heads confused I explained what was happening and asked him to be gentle. After a few incidences of him trying to play games, I literally begged him not to. This was in my home, he was my guest shock

I ended up in tears! Every time DP left the room he would say that I have to make damned sure that I get on with him.

The next time I spent time with him he was mostly fine, probably because he had pulled. I say mostly because we were on our way to a party, I was sat next to him in the car, and he told me he is, in his words, a sleep rapist!

The next time I saw him out socially we pretty much ignored each other. At the end of the evening he left with another friend of DPs and basically warned this guy to stay away from me as he had been watching us. There was nothing to watch!

When DP is introducing him to people he has to introduce him as his best friend, or Ben will get upset. If DP is out with other friends or with me, Ben will blank him for a while. DP often makes light of the fact that we mustn't upset Ben, and acknowledges that he is high maintenance.
DP has chosen not to discuss Ben's behaviour with him.

Last night DP and I went out for another friends bday. We ended up having a discussion about Ben, how I don't trust him. DP says I'm insecure, needy and am being nasty. I said I feel very uneasy about Ben and feel unsupported. We have pretty much broken up. I have worked so hard to remove toxic people from my life, yet here is Ben. Ben spends Xmas with DP and has announced he would be best man if we married. I don't want him in my life or anywhere near me.

maristella Sun 12-May-13 21:16:41


Branleuse Sun 12-May-13 21:16:01


superstarheartbreaker Sun 12-May-13 20:52:37

Are you sure Ben's not in love with your ex? Oh dosn't matter now. Sounds like they belong together. Shame that your ex dosn't have the gall to tell Ben to gte lost.

maristella Sun 12-May-13 20:33:26

XPs other best mate (although he cannot refer to him as a best mate confused) is a top bloke, really nice guy. Ben hates him! It was this other friend that Ben made insinuations about, saying that he and I need to be watched!

superstarheartbreaker Sun 12-May-13 20:24:37

I think part of it is the realisation that teh man who you thought was amazing aint all that. I found it incredibly frustrating that another person had a hand in my break up but never underestimate the power of the bromance....ok if best mate is a good guy...impossible if best bud is a looser. The looser mate is often the leader/bully too who dosn't want his mate to find love as it is a threat to their drug addiction happiness.

maristella Sun 12-May-13 20:21:04

It is so important, and I don't usually trust people at all confused

SgtTJCalhoun Sun 12-May-13 20:09:55

You sound lovely and trusting. You need to stop that grin! Don't be lovely and trusting till they've earned it.

6 months seems to be the usual time scale for twat traits to emerge. And don't say you should have know better. How could you? He was lovely to you, it's hard to keep your guard up but I do think its essential to.

maristella Sun 12-May-13 20:04:25

Sgt I was crying because I felt totally panicked. The flats are not nice, I'm an attack victim, and I do panic over my DS (probably too much).

I told Ben what was happening because I had just heard the news that a young relative had a terminal diagnosis, everyone in my life knew about this and the situation was discussed in front of him.

SgtTJCalhoun Sun 12-May-13 19:53:22

I am sorry and I want to be supportive but why did you ask this "Ben" specimen to go easy on you? When you first met him. Why did you even tell him about your bad news? A person like that would have been on it like a shark.

Why are you crying hysterically when you can't find them at the flats? Was it a particularly rough area? I think I'd have told you to get a grip too.

Though that is not to say they don't sound like a pair of loser arseholes, they clearly are but to be honest it doesn't sound like you are in the right place at all for a relationship. Maybe stay completely single for a while. Your twat radar is not working as it should.

Mumsyblouse Sun 12-May-13 19:48:57

Ben sounds like a bully, and your XP sounds like the pathetic mate who hangs round bullies in the hopes they don't turn on them and only pick on other people.

It worries me a bit that your DS is being exposed to this lifestyle and these type of people.

superstarheartbreaker Sun 12-May-13 19:43:01

Also this is further evidence that stoners are not necessarily chilled out at all. IMO there is nothing about paranoia that is chilled. You are not being insecure and irrational....BEN is.

superstarheartbreaker Sun 12-May-13 19:41:00

Sounds like Ben was jealous of you and deliberately tried to sabotage your relationship so that he wouldn't loose his stoner buddy...thing is do you really want a man who is too weak to stand up to this looser. I know it hurts...I am going through similar ...At the time I thought I was being silly to doubt ex just because he had a tosser best mate but tbh I think it is an important character indicator.

maristella Sun 12-May-13 19:07:22

I tried really hard with Ben. He just wouldn't have it! He really upped the ante in recent weeks, he has been hanging out with XPs other friends a lot, even though he hated them until recently confused
In the last couple of weeks he has made lots of social plans on Facebook, tagging and inviting everyone apart from me. No car space for me etc. Oh well, I've deleted the weirdo wink

superstarheartbreaker Sun 12-May-13 18:29:22

Oh my ex had a bromance with a guy a bit like Ben. He was so rude to me as I think he felt threatened that I was going to knick his stoner mate. Never mind the fact that he was married..he didn't want his friend to find a girl as he would no longer have anyone to do drugs with.

It did affect my opinion of ex, especially when he refused to stand up for me in front of friend. Sorry for slight hijack but you do hav eto question their judgement with 'mates' like this. Trouble is , it is so natural to want to get on with your dps best mate but so hard if you hate them. You feel like you can't make them choose (but want them to ditch them). Sounds awful and he clearly has a hold on your dp.

WafflyVersatile Sun 12-May-13 18:23:27

Muuuuuuuuuum, maristella is being mean to me. sad

maristella Sun 12-May-13 18:19:33

Because I rushed in like a fool, without really knowing him. I'm usually quite cautious but after a really awful bereavement earlier this year I really let my guard down.

On a slightly more amusing note, guess who XP was ringing for help in the early hours of this morning when I turfed him out? Mummy dearest shock bless....

Ashoething Sun 12-May-13 18:10:46

Why would you even contemplate having a weed addicted mummies boy around your ds in the first place? You are well rid.

maristella Sun 12-May-13 17:53:34

I didn't go through with the break up last week, fool that I am.

The tv is his, I need a new tv now! I feel liberated without it, as every time we rowed, he would announce he is taking it.

He has texted today, saying he needs to take a break! shockangry Err, this is permanent! I haven't replied.

I'm angry, but I know the hurt is coming.

WafflyVersatile Sun 12-May-13 17:16:06

Why were you having any contact with your XP after splitting up. Never mind. Why has he got your telly? shock

Sounds like Ben has a hold over XP and sounds like XP is dodgy as fuck anyway, ben or no ben. Please don't have any contact with him again. If he contacts you tell him to leave you alone and if he doesn't you will have him done for harassment.

maristella Sun 12-May-13 16:16:22

I'm very much a single woman again!
Last week I got quite ill, XP came over and looked after me then sneaked out to see Ben when I fell asleep, returning at 5am! shock
We talked a lot, XP promised to be more supportive.

He then sat me down the other night and said he's going back to uni, which is great, but won't consider moving in with me until after his degree confused
It's rejection after rejection with him!

Last night I went out with friends, XP dropped me off, and visited a friend with my DS to have music session. When it was time to leave I went to meet him as we had discussed on the phone half an hour previously.
I got to the area and tried calling. I didn't know which block of flats this friend is in, let alone which flat number. I was outside searching for them for 40 bloody minutes! hmm I tried calling about 50 times, I was frantic and felt so bloody vulnerable. I was crying hysterically when XP answered the phone. Back at home I was told to get a grip, so I booted him out. So he's gone, with the tv. DS is cross with me hmmI had to pay for XP to get a cab, as he had left his car at home. An unnecessarily expensive farewell!

Loulybelle Sat 04-May-13 16:12:54

Dont serial killer double teams have that kind of creepy relationship going on, Ben being the leader and your Ex just helping him out.

Made my skin crawl just reading your op.

MrsTerryPratchett Sat 04-May-13 15:14:01

I'm sure my ex-B's Ben would have tried it on too. Weird, repressed creep he was.

Sorry about the hangover. Have a brew on me.

TurnipCake Sat 04-May-13 12:12:00

God, they're both utter bellends

Run for the hills and don't look back, I wouldn't even bother trying to collect the money, it's not worth it

maristella Sat 04-May-13 12:03:09

That is exactly what I can imagine Ben doing! But also I think he would try it on confused nasty little man. I am scared of him.
I have a massive hangover brew

MrsTerryPratchett Sat 04-May-13 03:48:26

I was going to say, 200 quid is a bargain. A very cheap lesson in wankers. Watch this twunt, though. I went out with someone years ago who had a boyfriend like Ben. When I dumped the BF, my ex-BF's Ben tried to do all sorts of weird and head-fucky stuff. Including putting a dead animal in my possessions.

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