Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Am I being insecure and irrational?

(69 Posts)
maristella Fri 03-May-13 13:28:12

I have been with DP for about 6m now. Apart from a few hiccups it is a lovely relationship, the best.

But I'm really struggling with something. His friend, who I'll refer to as Ben, is really hard to deal with. When I first spent time with Ben, I had just had some truly terrible news. Ben warned me he likes to play games with people's heads confused I explained what was happening and asked him to be gentle. After a few incidences of him trying to play games, I literally begged him not to. This was in my home, he was my guest shock

I ended up in tears! Every time DP left the room he would say that I have to make damned sure that I get on with him.

The next time I spent time with him he was mostly fine, probably because he had pulled. I say mostly because we were on our way to a party, I was sat next to him in the car, and he told me he is, in his words, a sleep rapist!

The next time I saw him out socially we pretty much ignored each other. At the end of the evening he left with another friend of DPs and basically warned this guy to stay away from me as he had been watching us. There was nothing to watch!

When DP is introducing him to people he has to introduce him as his best friend, or Ben will get upset. If DP is out with other friends or with me, Ben will blank him for a while. DP often makes light of the fact that we mustn't upset Ben, and acknowledges that he is high maintenance.
DP has chosen not to discuss Ben's behaviour with him.

Last night DP and I went out for another friends bday. We ended up having a discussion about Ben, how I don't trust him. DP says I'm insecure, needy and am being nasty. I said I feel very uneasy about Ben and feel unsupported. We have pretty much broken up. I have worked so hard to remove toxic people from my life, yet here is Ben. Ben spends Xmas with DP and has announced he would be best man if we married. I don't want him in my life or anywhere near me.

maristella Fri 03-May-13 14:19:35

Now it all makes sense huh? DP likes free weed more than he likes me, and he will protect his source. It doesn't matter what our plans are, if Ben wants to see DP our plans are cancelled, because we can't upset Ben.

pictish Fri 03-May-13 14:29:41

You can do sooooo much better.

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 03-May-13 14:38:36

Get shot of the pair of them. They're not worth wasting time on.

maristella Fri 03-May-13 14:40:17

Thank you. Onwards and upwards! While all my dreams go down the pan. DP isn't going to change. I had no problem with him having the odd spliff, but it's more than that. He puts it before me feeling safe, and I don't feel safe around Ben.

HairyGrotter Fri 03-May-13 14:41:37

Ben sounds like a cunt, as does your DP, if I'm honest. I would NOT tolerate being intimidated or spoken to in that manner, and the fact your DP even wants to hang out with this colossal bellshine screams NUTTER!

You can usually judge a person by the company they keep, I'd run, and not look back. But, if you do bump into Ben again, poke him in the eye for me.

ImTooHecsyForYourParty Fri 03-May-13 14:42:31

This person you call dp is nothing of the sort.

'Ben' isn't even the problem. This boyfriend of yours is. his choices. His reactions. his priorities.

Run like the bloody wind. He's not worth it.

ImTooHecsyForYourParty Fri 03-May-13 14:43:03

meant to ask - is this Ben in love with your (ex I hope) boyfriend?

maristella Fri 03-May-13 14:52:54

I still refer to him as DP because I can't be arsed to think of an alternative! I know it's over. Last night we argued, he was angry and spiteful. I made it very clear that I won't do this, I won't have this bullshit in my life, and said he'd made his choice. I gave him a blanket and went to bed. Fucking woke up next to him. Who am I kidding? He has no fucking respect for me!

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 03-May-13 14:54:04

You don't live together do you?

maristella Fri 03-May-13 15:03:49

Thankfully not. No, he lives with his mother. What a catch. He also owes me £200, and I really need it back hmm
I've been a fool

AttilaTheMeerkat Fri 03-May-13 15:18:00

Why was I not surprised to see that this bod lives with his mother. He has also chosen his weed provider over you; no wonder he wants "Ben" around. Both he and "Ben" are wastes of oxygen.

I do not think you will see your £200 returned either.

You know that relationship bar you have or should have by now - raise it a lot bloody higher as of now!.

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 03-May-13 15:19:15

Smokes dope, has an offensive/paranoid/druggie friend who he prefers to you, gets in your bed against your wishes and sponges cash off you into the bargain... In what universe was this ever actually 'a lovely relationship, the best'...?

BabsAndTheRu Fri 03-May-13 15:26:14

You are well rid of both of them. Immature pricks. Man I'm getting angry for you. If anyone ever treats you like this again you tell them to fuck the fuck off. Hello I'm Ben and I play mind games, nice to meet you Ben now fuck off wanker and take yer pal with you.

maristella Fri 03-May-13 15:40:30

I feel angry too. I'm veering between angry and really gutted. I'm so gutted hmm
I'm into the last hour at work, so wi reply properly from home. I can't wait to get home!

ImTooHecsyForYourParty Fri 03-May-13 16:04:55

You can't think of an alternative?
Ex is an alternative!
So is arsehole!

Not good that he crawled into your bed when you were sleeping. Yet more proof if proof were needed that he doesn't give a shit how you feel about anything.

maristella Fri 03-May-13 16:06:10

Wanky bastard shit of an ex!! Can't put all my rage and bitter disappointment into just a few letters confused

maristella Fri 03-May-13 16:07:23

Ben loving bastard?
Ben's bit?
Ben's little crack whore?
Drug loving tosser?

Too many to choose from!

melbie Sat 04-May-13 00:11:33

Your ex sounds like an idiot. Ben sounds like a psychopath. You are definitely better off out of it!

StarsdontShine Sat 04-May-13 00:23:50

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MrsTerryPratchett Sat 04-May-13 03:48:26

I was going to say, 200 quid is a bargain. A very cheap lesson in wankers. Watch this twunt, though. I went out with someone years ago who had a boyfriend like Ben. When I dumped the BF, my ex-BF's Ben tried to do all sorts of weird and head-fucky stuff. Including putting a dead animal in my possessions.

maristella Sat 04-May-13 12:03:09

That is exactly what I can imagine Ben doing! But also I think he would try it on confused nasty little man. I am scared of him.
I have a massive hangover brew

TurnipCake Sat 04-May-13 12:12:00

God, they're both utter bellends

Run for the hills and don't look back, I wouldn't even bother trying to collect the money, it's not worth it

MrsTerryPratchett Sat 04-May-13 15:14:01

I'm sure my ex-B's Ben would have tried it on too. Weird, repressed creep he was.

Sorry about the hangover. Have a brew on me.

Loulybelle Sat 04-May-13 16:12:54

Dont serial killer double teams have that kind of creepy relationship going on, Ben being the leader and your Ex just helping him out.

Made my skin crawl just reading your op.

maristella Sun 12-May-13 16:16:22

I'm very much a single woman again!
Last week I got quite ill, XP came over and looked after me then sneaked out to see Ben when I fell asleep, returning at 5am! shock
We talked a lot, XP promised to be more supportive.

He then sat me down the other night and said he's going back to uni, which is great, but won't consider moving in with me until after his degree confused
It's rejection after rejection with him!

Last night I went out with friends, XP dropped me off, and visited a friend with my DS to have music session. When it was time to leave I went to meet him as we had discussed on the phone half an hour previously.
I got to the area and tried calling. I didn't know which block of flats this friend is in, let alone which flat number. I was outside searching for them for 40 bloody minutes! hmm I tried calling about 50 times, I was frantic and felt so bloody vulnerable. I was crying hysterically when XP answered the phone. Back at home I was told to get a grip, so I booted him out. So he's gone, with the tv. DS is cross with me hmmI had to pay for XP to get a cab, as he had left his car at home. An unnecessarily expensive farewell!

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now