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Am I being insecure and irrational?

(69 Posts)
maristella Fri 03-May-13 13:28:12

I have been with DP for about 6m now. Apart from a few hiccups it is a lovely relationship, the best.

But I'm really struggling with something. His friend, who I'll refer to as Ben, is really hard to deal with. When I first spent time with Ben, I had just had some truly terrible news. Ben warned me he likes to play games with people's heads confused I explained what was happening and asked him to be gentle. After a few incidences of him trying to play games, I literally begged him not to. This was in my home, he was my guest shock

I ended up in tears! Every time DP left the room he would say that I have to make damned sure that I get on with him.

The next time I spent time with him he was mostly fine, probably because he had pulled. I say mostly because we were on our way to a party, I was sat next to him in the car, and he told me he is, in his words, a sleep rapist!

The next time I saw him out socially we pretty much ignored each other. At the end of the evening he left with another friend of DPs and basically warned this guy to stay away from me as he had been watching us. There was nothing to watch!

When DP is introducing him to people he has to introduce him as his best friend, or Ben will get upset. If DP is out with other friends or with me, Ben will blank him for a while. DP often makes light of the fact that we mustn't upset Ben, and acknowledges that he is high maintenance.
DP has chosen not to discuss Ben's behaviour with him.

Last night DP and I went out for another friends bday. We ended up having a discussion about Ben, how I don't trust him. DP says I'm insecure, needy and am being nasty. I said I feel very uneasy about Ben and feel unsupported. We have pretty much broken up. I have worked so hard to remove toxic people from my life, yet here is Ben. Ben spends Xmas with DP and has announced he would be best man if we married. I don't want him in my life or anywhere near me.

maristella Fri 03-May-13 13:31:15

Sorry for the essay shock

It's just so good to be able to let it out!

Another thing: when I first spent time with Ben we mentioned a few mutual acquaintances. He told me that my friend cheats on her partner, that my SIL cheats on my brother, and is nasty about my brother at every opportunity. Why??! confused

AttilaTheMeerkat Fri 03-May-13 13:36:02

How long have Ben and your man known each other?.

Have other people commented on their unusual friendship, what does your man get from being friends with such a person?.

Also this is not good either:-
"DP often makes light of the fact that we mustn't upset Ben, and acknowledges that he is high maintenance. DP has chosen not to discuss Ben's behaviour with him"

Now why do you think that is?. There are always reasons why. What is he so afraid of?. Why does "Ben" seem to have such a hold over your man, almost like a svengali to his muse. Your man as well is also a big part of the overall problem here.

hellsbellsmelons Fri 03-May-13 13:36:52

Well doesn't he sound just delightful.
No I don't think you are being any of those things.
Think this would be a deal breaker for me too!

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 03-May-13 13:38:13

"DP says I'm insecure, needy and am being nasty. "

Your DP is choosing Ben over you. Don't know what's going on between them but really don't stick around to be insulted by this Odd Couple any more.... You've only been going out six months. Plenty more (normal) fish in the sea

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 03-May-13 13:40:07

"when I first spent time with Ben ..... etc. Why??!"

Because he's a NUTTER. Judge a man by the company he keeps....

maristella Fri 03-May-13 13:44:33

DP is definitely choosing Ben. This could have been so good, but I won't be made to feel intimidated by his bloody friend.

pictish Fri 03-May-13 13:44:53

6 months in? Let him go and hang out with Ben, and find yourself someone who's best friend isn't an inapproptiate, ill mannered leech.
Total deal breaker for me.

Btw - the most alrming thing about your post isn't your desctiption of the creep Ben, but this...

I ended up in tears! Every time DP left the room he would say that I have to make damned sure that I get on with him.

And who the fuck is he to dictate? His friend upset you, and his response is to demand that you learn to like him?

He's not life partner material by any stretch of the imagination.

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 03-May-13 13:45:05

Good for you. Let Ben keep his bed warm at night, eh? hmm

pictish Fri 03-May-13 13:45:59

Fuck Ben, and his 'fwend'.
Pair of dicks.

maristella Fri 03-May-13 13:46:03

Every time I'm invited to somewhere that Ben will be I get really anxious, it's ridiculous! This guy has so many red flags about him. Horrible

AttilaTheMeerkat Fri 03-May-13 13:46:08

The first twelve months of a relationship are supposed to be the happiest; for whatever reasons your man is choosing Ben over you.

I'd walk away from their dysfunction as of now. You don't honestly need this dysfunctional mess in your life because you can't fix it either.

AttilaTheMeerkat Fri 03-May-13 13:47:13

Your man also has a few red flags re him as well particularly if he's hanging onto a friend like Ben.

VanitasVanitatum Fri 03-May-13 13:47:26

Pictish I think Ben was saying that, not dp?

pictish Fri 03-May-13 13:50:51

Oh sorry yes I was Ben who said she'd better make sure to get along with him!!

Does your bf know that he said that to you? If he does and still goes on to tell you that you are the one with the issue, then it amoubts to the same really.

My problem isn't with Ben, who is just a prick, but with your bf, who insists on thrusting him in your face.

AmberLeaf Fri 03-May-13 13:52:08

Ben sounds like a nightmare

Your DP won't stand up to him, so none of this is going to change.

As fr the 'sleep rapist' comment, I wouldn't be within a million miles of a man that proudly admitted to that.

pictish Fri 03-May-13 13:54:08

Neither me.
People define themselves by the tales they tell.

EldritchCleavage Fri 03-May-13 13:55:48

They sound like a dangerous pair, to be honest. Is there anything that would get your DP to stand up to Ben the self-confessed sleep rapist?

maristella Fri 03-May-13 13:56:47

Thank you. I'm so relieved by your responses, after being told it was all my issue.
I told DP he can go spoon Ben for all I care last night wink

maristella Fri 03-May-13 13:57:28

And by the company they keep pictish

pictish Fri 03-May-13 13:58:26

Tell him to give Ben a great big kiss on his hairy ol' arse, and to never bother you with his evil twin again.

AttilaTheMeerkat Fri 03-May-13 13:58:38

Have you given your man the Order of the Boot now?.

He and "Ben" need to be out of your life asap.

How on earth did you meet Tweedledum and Tweedledee anyway?.

Raise your own relationship bar now a lot higher.

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 03-May-13 14:03:36

Glad you've told this boyfriend (he's not a DP really is he?) to shove it. You could, as a parting shot, call the police about Ben's 'sleep rape' confession. They're taking all kinds of old sex offences very seriously these days.

maristella Fri 03-May-13 14:13:46

No 'DP' is not the man I thought he was, not by a long shot.

maristella Fri 03-May-13 14:16:05

I would only have to tell the police about Ben's drug dealing. That's the hold he has over DP. Ben dishes out free weed in return for DPs company. Pathetic

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