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Friend finally leaves EA husband, guess what the new ones like?

(14 Posts)
CRAPTA Fri 03-May-13 12:29:12

We spent ages last year supporting a friend in breaking free of a bad relationship. Finally she can get her life back and be happy. Or so we thought.

We've all met the new man and guess what?
Complete and utter ****.

I don't think I have the energy to do this again.

thezebrawearspurple Fri 03-May-13 12:35:14

Stay out of her relationships, you can't change her preferences, only she can do that and will do only if she is ever ready to change.

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 03-May-13 12:38:09

If this is new then seize the opportunity to make your feelings known. No punch-pulling just straight down the line. 'If you insist on seeing Mr KnobHead, don't expect me to come along'.

pumpkinsweetie Fri 03-May-13 12:38:47

Awful isn't it when we see someone suffering from relationships like this one.
Sometimes it's best to leave things well alone and hope that in time she will come to her senses, but that is normally a timely experience sad

My dm was with an violent man, and no matter how hard i tried she wouldn't listen to sense until she herself couldn't take anymore and saw the light.
I remember a time when i was living with her and my dh had to restrain him as he was strangling my mother with such brute force.
2 years i had to stand by whilst i heard about the latest violence and in those 2 years anytime i tried she would rebel against me and in the end i realised she would only confide in me if i had nothing to say.
But there was light at the end of the tunnel, i hope there is for your friend too.

mrscog Fri 03-May-13 12:42:02

I think you must be honest from the start this time as. It might help your friend to see the light quicker. I wouldn't go down the 'he's a knob' route though. I would pick out behaviours you've seen/things you've heard him say, then say to your friend 'you know when he said x/did y, I thought that really took advantage of your better nature/wasn't nice, it reminded me of your ex. Are you ok?'

CRAPTA Fri 03-May-13 12:48:32

Sorry, posted too early.

My gut feeling is the new man is just as bad as the last.
We have tried to get her to slow things down but they 'are in love' and she's not listening. She is happy, we are jealous, she trusts him. We don't know him. We've made efforts to get to know him but he has already been seriously over-friendly 'just harmless flirting' with 3 women she is friends with that I know about (including me).

Her family has tried to talk to her, her friends are all telling her to slow down and keep hold of her money. He wants them to move away with him as there is too many bad memories at home for him. They want a fresh start together. She's already making excuses for his behavior.

I feel we've totally wasted all the time we spent helping her last year. I am so disappointed and unwilling to go through all the emotions of last year again.

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 03-May-13 12:51:01

So tell her straight that you don't like this new guy and whilst you love her as a friend and will always be available if she needs your help, you can't be dragged into yet another emotional soap-opera watching her flush her life down the toilet for the sake of 'love'. Then it's a big fat 'adios'

CRAPTA Fri 03-May-13 12:57:56

I don't want to be picking up the pieces again.

I don't be that friend anymore.

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 03-May-13 13:12:22

You owe her nothing. Don't feel guilty. She's making bad choices but you don't have to go along with them. Just make sure she knows a) why you're stepping back and b) that you're there for her when she wakes up a and smells the coffee. Already sounds like he's planning to spirit her out of the area so the 'isolation' phases is well underway...

CRAPTA Fri 03-May-13 13:28:14

That is exactly how it is COGITO
The emotional soap-opera.

It is a car crash waiting to happen. How I wish he was the person she thinks he is.

CRAPTA Fri 03-May-13 13:34:02

What could we have done after she split from her husband and before new man?

I feel she has learnt nothing from her last relationship with her husband.

I almost hope he does take her away and I feel a shit friend for saying that.

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 03-May-13 13:44:20

You could have pointed her towards the Womens Aid Freedom Programme which is for victims of domestic abuse... emotional or physical. That can help victims find self-confidence, understand the abuse wasn't their fault and learn to spot it more easily in potential new partners. She sounds like someone who is over-optimistic and willing to turn a blind eye if someone pays her a bit of attention... as my friend would put it 'when your fanny's on fire, your brains go out of the window'.

How long was it before she jumped from the frying pan into the fire? Did she spend much time being single? Did she enjoy being independent?

CRAPTA Fri 03-May-13 13:47:25

mrscog good advice.

We are trying to not go into attack mode, she did get very defensive and we've been trying to be more subtle. She draws us into the relationship.

She was telling me earlier about how much money she's lent him recently and it felt like she wanted me to be negative. If I did she would only get defensive. She was telling me how she is sure he will pay her back but I felt she was trying to convince herself. Realistically there is little chance she will get her money back for a good few years. But she still seems to be lending him money.

CRAPTA Fri 03-May-13 14:15:21


She sounds like someone who is over-optimistic and willing to turn a blind eye if someone pays her a bit of attention... as my friend would put it 'when your fanny's on fire, your brains go out of the window'.

That is spot on.

The Womens Aid Freedom Programme sounds interesting and exactly the thing she needed. I don't know if we would have been able to get her to accept it was needed and do it though.

In reality she probably spent only a few weeks being single because she was still doing things for her husband until the first few months of this year and never fully broke away until the beginning of March. When she met the new man she was quite secretive.

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