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How do I best support my friend through her 'troubled' relationship

6 replies

concernedmate · 03/05/2013 10:21

I am really struggling on how to deal with her. She has been in this relationship for 7 years. On the surface all appears well, but she confides in me a lot about what is going on.

Her dp's mum cheated on his dad, and his first partner (who they had a child) cheated on him, so because of this he thinks ALL women cheat and constantly checks up on her, if we go to the pub for lunch he will phone up every 10 mins to ask questions like any men in the pub? and then that night it all kicks off her being accused of meaning and sleeping with men. !! she adores him and has never cheated on anyone is her life and does not intend to start now. Its all in his head.

She is a sahm and all money goes into his account, and she has to keep asking for money for shopping etc, he will go off on one saying I have you £20 2 days ago how has it gone already etc etc.

They have 1 child together aged 6 and another aged 10 from his previous relationship. The kids are being affected by this and upset.

They seem to go into a pattern of this behaviour he will realise what a pratt he has been and apologies and they become so loved up for a week or 2 then the whole cycle starts again.

It all kicked off a few days ago and she asked me what should she do, I said its not for me say but everyone has different levels. If it was me I know what I would do, infact 8 years ago dh was going through a hard time severe depression and it upset the kids to a point where I said he needs to get help or else I will have option but to leave, dh went to see the doctors and was better.

Its really draining, and I don't know what to do for the best.

Any advice would be appreciated

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CogitoErgoSometimes · 03/05/2013 10:27

Take a BIG step back from this woman. She has no intention of resolving anything in her relationship and she's just using you as an ear to bend. If it's been seven years of bringing you down she's being very unfair and you have to say to her that whilst you like her and want to help, if she doesn't do something to help herself you are not prepared to carry on being her 'Wailing Wall'.

Point her towards counselling, Womens Aid, her GP but then a BIG step back. She'll be like this for another 10 years...

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concernedmate · 03/05/2013 13:35

We have only been friends for a year. She was a great friend when I moved into the new area and if it wasn't for her I would not of settled to quickly. So feel I owe her a lot.

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CogitoErgoSometimes · 03/05/2013 13:41

You owe her nothing except being pointed towards people that can actually help her. She may be nice but if you let her use you like this, you'll be the one that ends up having sleepless nights, not her.

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Dahlen · 03/05/2013 14:24

Have you actually come out and told her that you think her DP is abusive and pointed her in the direction of Women's Aid?

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concernedmate · 03/05/2013 16:02

Thanks for your advice I sadly do not think she will get help as you said, she has blinkers on and in a few days he will be sorry and it starts up again.

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concernedmate · 03/05/2013 16:03

I have said I would not put up with it and she said I know he does this and has mentioned he has problems but always makes excuses.