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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Completely lost it this morning

54 replies

Mosman · 03/05/2013 04:28

We are booked in for couples counselling at 1.30 today.
I woke up this morning ate my tea and toast as normal, got up and something just snapped in me.
I pointed out to him that with me booking a weekend away in London and her going on holiday basically they fucked on every opportunity they had within a six week period and he said "well yeah I told you that" and that was it I flipped.
Slammed the bathroom door shut and he then tried to get to me in the bathroom, well that was it.
I emptied his clothes on to the bed and told him to get out, he tried to put his stuff back and that just wound me up more, I punched him on the back of the head, he threw me onto the bed and I carried on picking his stuff up and throwing it out the door onto the ground, told him to sleep in his car if he has no money.

I've finally cracked haven't I ? 12 weeks later and I am as angry as the day I found out, maybe more so.
But half of me keeps thinking for god sake it was a half hearted attempt at an affair, he couldn't perform after 4 attempts they gave up and it fizzled out really quickly.
What's the matter with me when I read in glasses book "not just friends" that other people forgive shagging their husbands business partner/best friend/years of infidelity ???

OP posts:

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MariefromStMoritz · 03/05/2013 04:46

I guess everyone's different, but I could not get over an affair. Even if I forgave him, it would haunt me forever.

Sorry you are going through this x

Chubfuddler · 03/05/2013 05:09

There's nothing the matter with you. And no reason why you should bend yourself double trying to forgive the unforgivable.

Chubfuddler · 03/05/2013 05:10

There's nothing the matter with you. And no reason why you should bend yourself double trying to forgive the unforgivable.

ClaudiaSchiffer · 03/05/2013 05:26

Mosman, it's completely understandable that you are still furious with your h. Also understandable that the idea of couples counselling is making you absolutely RAGE.

It sounds like a horrible incident to be caught up in, I hope you're ok.

I know some people can forgive affairs, but not everyone can (or should!) and that's ok. I don't think there is anything the matter with you at all.

SavoyCabbage · 03/05/2013 05:46

I thought you had booted him out, is he still living with you. It must be really hard. You don't have to forgive him, that's up to you. Just because other people have. You never know how you are going to react to a situation until you are actually in it.

Blackduck · 03/05/2013 06:10

I think his 'yeah well I told you that' response would do it for me. He should be grovelling, absolutely grovelling - dont hear much apology in that statement.

ClaudiaSchiffer · 03/05/2013 10:18

How are you doing now Mosman? I hope the counselling was bearable(?).

CogitoErgoSometimes · 03/05/2013 10:23

If you've 'cracked' it's because you're making a big mistake thinking you can reconcile this. He's still there, in your face, laughing at you, being flippant ... and you very understandably hate his guts.

Use the fury you now have to get shot of him. Show him the door and stop all this rubbish about counselling. The only counsel you need is one of the Queens variety... i.e. a solicitor to end this.

YoniMatopoeia · 03/05/2013 10:29

Shirley Glass tells you that some people did forgive. It does not say that you should. In fact, his behaviour sounds like he is preventing you coming anywhere near understanding or forgiveness.

It is his fault not yours.

Don't blame or think badly of yourself.

PeppermintPasty · 03/05/2013 10:33

Listen Mosman, I forgave, it's not all it's cracked up to be

We're 7 or 8 yrs down the line and we still have issues. Well, I still have issues with it, and I daresay I always will have.

There's nothing wrong with you, nothing wrong with being angry, remember that.

wonderingagain · 03/05/2013 10:40

He threw you onto the bed? That's a bit rough. A decent reaction would have been to say please, I'm sorry, don't kick me out.

Mosman · 03/05/2013 10:58

Too be fair I had just punched him in the head we were both in the wrong.
The counselling is really about getting me to the point where I don't see the tarts faces every time I close my eyes, every time I see a bottle of body oil that kind of thing. So we can communicate about the kids and stuff without me screaming you should have thought if that before you fucked her - in response to every request - it's for my long term benefit I guess.

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Mosman · 03/05/2013 11:00

I spoke to one of her friends on Facebook after I'd plastered their affair all over it - very mature I know - but this guy said it took him a year but once he'd forgiven his ex and her co defendant he felt free, that's what I want.

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MadAboutHotChoc · 03/05/2013 11:03

You don;t have to forgive - not everyone can or want to.

I forgave my DH's affair because of his remorseful actions after discovery and the hard work he is putting in the relationship and on fixing himself - anything less and he would have been thrown out.

be kind to yourself x

Dahlen · 03/05/2013 11:09

I hope I haven't misunderstood this, but this is not his first transgression, is it? And he's not showing any sincere remorse. I'm not surprised you're livid.

You don't have to forgive, you know. Forgiving and moving on are not one and the same thing, although people often use the term forgive when what they mean is get over it.

Mosman · 03/05/2013 11:20

Whilst its not the first time, he's been caught on all 5 at once, there's numerous and I mean numerous over 10 years.
The counsellor basically said whilst on paper you've been married ten years you've not been married at all tbh

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MadAboutHotChoc · 03/05/2013 11:23

Sounds like a serial philanderer trying to address his inadequacies via shagging other women good link

BicBiro · 03/05/2013 11:25

it's far too soon for you to think about forgiveness. you won't know for ages yet, and your head can't trick your heart into believing you are ready to move on however much you want it to. you need to process the utter pain and devastation and the only way to do that, I'm afraid, is to allow those feelings in.

I feel for you, you are in a shitty situation. good luck

Mosman · 03/05/2013 11:37

That's a good link. I think he falls into a combination of the romantic and philander he likes the idea of an affair more than the actual deed, it fizzled out quickly on all occasions.
For my own mental health I just need to get a bloody grip, am setting up a weekend away to get utterly pissed and have a few days peace.

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Chubfuddler · 03/05/2013 11:38

Do you actually want to be married to him? Do you love him? Or like him?

These are not intended to be loaded questions btw

Mosman · 03/05/2013 11:41

Honestly I do get on very well with him, under normal circumstances we have a laugh, enjoy the same things, adore our kids and have the same goals in life.
I don't love or like him right now but if you'd asked me that question on the 3rd of February this year I would have said yes without hesitation even though I had my suspicions about at least two of the affairs.
Where I went wrong was not confronting him earlier, not wanting to rock the boat.

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EllaFitzgerald · 03/05/2013 11:51

You didn't go wrong anywhere, Mosman. You're the loving, trusting wife who worked at her marriage. He's the one who went wrong.

I forgave ex partner, but never trusted him again. It didn't help when, 3 months afterwards, he told me he thought I should be over it by now. It was a massive relief when it all ended, to be honest.

Is there any way you could spend some time apart to give you a chance to think about whether you want to carry on with the marriage? Horrible situation for you to be in.

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hellsbellsmelons · 03/05/2013 12:17

As everyone has said - there is nothing at all wrong with you.
I couldn't forgive which is why I didn't stay with my husband and have finished another relationship for the same reason.
It's a deal breaker for many people.
You do what's right for YOU!

CogitoErgoSometimes · 03/05/2013 12:19

I think you're deluded.

Mosman · 03/05/2013 12:23

In what sense ? That we can ever be civil ?

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