I didnt mean to and I was being kind, I am really worried about her but now I think I was too blunt.
We have been friends forever, hardly see each other due to distance, work, kids etc (it can be 10 years between visits) but when we do its like no time has passed at all. She is my oldest and dearest friend and I love her very much.
She found out about her H's affair and kicked him out. She was devastated, he has been her only real relationship as they got together before we left school. He was supposed to be moving in with the OW but now it seems that he has discovered that the grass isnt greener and things are not quite going to plan for him (oh dear, what a shame, you bastard). My friend would have him back in a heartbeat and is playing on things to try and make him come back. Not in an obvious way but making a point of dressing in a certain way when he is coming to fetch their DC etc.
I have recently split with my H in similar circumstances and said to her that I know how she feels, but that the man I want is the man I thought I had married not the the man he turned out to be. I said that I was worried about her because if she took him back just like that then she would be with a man that she knows cheated on her and lied to her and that he would know she would take it and he could do it again.
I said that the man she loved doesnt exist, and I wonder if that was a step too far? She isnt an MNer (I dont think) and despite outward appearances and her profession, she isnt as strong emotionally as many people think. She, unlike me, hasnt got much experience of relationships and the shitty things that people can do to those they profess to love.
She hasnt got back to me which in itself isnt unusual, we are not the sort of people that reply to emails the second they come in, but I am bothered that I may have been too blunt for her in her fragile state.
Should I message her and apologise, not for what I said, but the way I said it? Should I say that I love her and didnt want to upset her, but that I dont want to see her get hurt again?
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Shit. Gone Mumsnet on a friend :-(
Bogeyface · 03/05/2013 00:36
I don't see anything wrong with what you said, particularly since you can relate it to your own personal experience
Being truthful and pulling no punches is not exclusive to MN, you know 
Thing is its her relationship and her marriage and her future. A couple of my friends have been in the same situation and some did what she is doing and fighting for her husband.My friend had her husband begging to come back. Realised the mistake he made. Been back together ten years now. They both realised that not all affairs are equal. Sometimes both parties are to blame for the breakdown of a marriage. An affair is a symptom not always the reason. And not all men are serial cheaters. I would tell her you support her no matter how she wants to do things.
Have you heard from her op? I think you did the right thing. Your experience is just that, yous. She sees her marriage problems differently. If she's choosing to want to do all she can to save her marriage her own way then good luck to her and she will need positive people around her.
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