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Shit. Gone Mumsnet on a friend :-(

(12 Posts)
Bogeyface Fri 03-May-13 00:36:03

I didnt mean to and I was being kind, I am really worried about her but now I think I was too blunt.

We have been friends forever, hardly see each other due to distance, work, kids etc (it can be 10 years between visits) but when we do its like no time has passed at all. She is my oldest and dearest friend and I love her very much.

She found out about her H's affair and kicked him out. She was devastated, he has been her only real relationship as they got together before we left school. He was supposed to be moving in with the OW but now it seems that he has discovered that the grass isnt greener and things are not quite going to plan for him (oh dear, what a shame, you bastard). My friend would have him back in a heartbeat and is playing on things to try and make him come back. Not in an obvious way but making a point of dressing in a certain way when he is coming to fetch their DC etc.

I have recently split with my H in similar circumstances and said to her that I know how she feels, but that the man I want is the man I thought I had married not the the man he turned out to be. I said that I was worried about her because if she took him back just like that then she would be with a man that she knows cheated on her and lied to her and that he would know she would take it and he could do it again.

I said that the man she loved doesnt exist, and I wonder if that was a step too far? She isnt an MNer (I dont think) and despite outward appearances and her profession, she isnt as strong emotionally as many people think. She, unlike me, hasnt got much experience of relationships and the shitty things that people can do to those they profess to love.

She hasnt got back to me which in itself isnt unusual, we are not the sort of people that reply to emails the second they come in, but I am bothered that I may have been too blunt for her in her fragile state.

Should I message her and apologise, not for what I said, but the way I said it? Should I say that I love her and didnt want to upset her, but that I dont want to see her get hurt again?

AnyFucker Fri 03-May-13 00:42:58

I don't see anything wrong with what you said, particularly since you can relate it to your own personal experience

Being truthful and pulling no punches is not exclusive to MN, you know smile

piprabbit Fri 03-May-13 00:44:37

I think you should talk to her. Ideally face to face, otherwise on the phone. Try and understand her perspective on what is happening for her and maybe don't be quite so quick to bring your own reactions to your own situation into the discussion.
You sound like a lovely friend who is trying to look after someone you care for - but perhaps your friend is feeling a bit overwhelmed at the moment?

Bogeyface Fri 03-May-13 00:49:54

maybe don't be quite so quick to bring your own reactions to your own situation into the discussion.

Thats exactly what I shouldnt have done isnt it?


I didnt say it nastily, just that I was worried that she would take him back without dealing with the affair and then he could do it again which is basically what happened to me. I am trying to save her from going through it again, as I did, but I am worried that I have been too blunt.

Seeing her is not an option at the moment due to distances etc, phoning would be difficult too but I think I will email her again.

AgnesBligg Fri 03-May-13 00:55:32

I don't think you said anything wrong but if she would have him back, 'in a heartbeat,' she may well feel the need to keep you and your negative view of her intentions at a distance.

Rulesgirl Fri 03-May-13 01:06:03

Thing is its her relationship and her marriage and her future. A couple of my friends have been in the same situation and some did what she is doing and fighting for her husband.My friend had her husband begging to come back. Realised the mistake he made. Been back together ten years now. They both realised that not all affairs are equal. Sometimes both parties are to blame for the breakdown of a marriage. An affair is a symptom not always the reason. And not all men are serial cheaters. I would tell her you support her no matter how she wants to do things. smile

iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii Fri 03-May-13 01:10:14

I think I would say sorry for being blunt. She can't 'un-read' what you have said in the email (which is probably a good thing) but,as a friend, it would be best if she didn't think you were too opinionated. Otherwise she may cool her relationship with you and you want be able to support her. IYSWIM

Bogeyface Fri 03-May-13 01:11:49

I have just sent her a message saying that I am sorry if I have upset her and that I love her and support her no matter what she does. I also said that I shouldnt have put my own feelings about my marriage breaking down onto her situation.

Finger crossed she will understand. Our friendship has been through far worse than this, but I am just so worried that I have hurt her.

wordyBird Fri 03-May-13 01:23:28

That sounds perfect! That doesn't change your position, but gives her leeway too.

She knows you and cares about you BF, so chances are she'll respect your opinion, whether she shares it or not. She'll know you didn't mean harm, I'm sure.

iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii Fri 03-May-13 11:55:25

Sounds like a perfect response.

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 03-May-13 12:22:16

Never apologise for saying the truth. It's not what she wants to hear but that's different to it not being what she needs to hear...

Rulesgirl Fri 03-May-13 16:53:50

Have you heard from her op? I think you did the right thing. Your experience is just that, yous. She sees her marriage problems differently. If she's choosing to want to do all she can to save her marriage her own way then good luck to her and she will need positive people around

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