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ex p suggests a planned ds/dd for our dd whilst remaining apart

(86 Posts)
pod3030 Thu 02-May-13 21:40:42

Hi ,
ex p and i split when he decided our planned dd changed his life too much and he wanted the life he had before.workaholic, history of ea and gas lighting, me and dd had to move out of the family home as everything in his name. he's away a lot which gave me time to resettle not far away so dd could get to see now really blossoming and realising how my personality had been squashed.enjoying my new life and dd happy.

i had a thread not long ago about wanting another child and considering a sperm bank. I think i had come to a decision that yes, this is what i wanted, so i informed ex p as it would affect our dd. he said he had always wanted two dc (this is not true, he gave one of the main reasons for the split as not wanting another dc to complicate his carefully constructed life) and he would like to be the donor so dc have the same dad.
so part of me is thinking, yes, it makes sense, the new dc will have a dad, it won't change the situation but will give me what i want and ex p still gets to do the disney dad thing. it will be the same, but with two.

then i wobble, think am i self sabotaging my chances of happiness with a potential soul mate in the future?, will this keep ex p too much in my life, is this more of his control? he has been ok about respecting my boundaries, he knows i never ever want to get back together. but it's making me weepy thinking about another baby he'll have a say in iykwim. oh i'm so confused. this is madness isn't it. or is it?

Homebird8 Sat 04-May-13 03:48:56

Another DC, wonderful - but not with this man. It seems like he thinks he owns your body. 'What a good receptacle for my offspring' he's thinking to himself. 'And free childcare from her too.'

Would you trust him to leave you to make all your own pregnancy choices or would it all be 'That's my child you're carrying' and 'See, she can't get enough of me even now. Doesn't know her own mind?' All sorts of horrendous extensions to that chain of thought. hmm

mathanxiety Sat 04-May-13 00:54:45

I think you are projecting your own hopes and dreams onto both this man and your DD. And you are still feeling guilt for the breakup and seeing this man now as a collection of problems you could possibly solve rather than a huge problem in your life - enough of a problem to make you think you had come away the winner when you left with nothing..

You are thinking with your ovaries. Sit tight and get a puppy.

Start looking at what you have, and the position of strength you now occupy that enables you to be a good mother to your existing DD, and stop pining for something that would be very bad for a potential child and would really only be a way for you to assuage guilt you have over this man and your child. Your DD will be starting into the terrible twos soon (a naturally narcissistic phase that most people grow out of), and that I predict is when her father will suddenly start to suspect she is a separate person from him. That means she will suddenly be dealing with his narcissism (because the principle that other people are separate individuals is something narcissists cannot accept, plus there is only enough oxygen in any given room for one narcissist at a time) and she will need you on duty 24/7 and not distracted in order to protect her.

I have a feeling you feel guilty that you have abandoned a man whom you believe to be some sort of diamond in the rough, and that just a bit more accommodation from you might result in some sort of magical transformation. If it was just you getting involved in this role of angel I would be very worried for you, but you are seemingly seriously thinking of taking the ministering angel thing one step further, and do not seem to worry about what exposure to this man will do with either the child you already have or the one who is just a gleam in your eye right now.

A child can't be brought into the world with a ready-made full time job, or in the case of the baby you are thinking of, two full time jobs - father's therapist and sibling's best friend and family for when you are gone.

lottiegarbanzo Fri 03-May-13 13:40:54

I suspect that, whatever you do, he won't remain so involved with your dd when she becomes less cute and compliant. So, the difference in parenting between her and a donor-dad child might not be as great as you think. Plus, if you go down that route, either he'll distance himself from you, or be unpleasant about it so that you'll distance yourselves from him. The contrast might not be so great as you imagine.

Floggingmolly Fri 03-May-13 12:36:38

He has form for ea and gaslighting? You would be seriously nuts to even consider this.

joblot Fri 03-May-13 12:29:03

What athinginyourelife said.

And what happens if child has special needs? Will he and you be just as happy with that scenario?

Basically, don't do it, it's for you and him, not the child, i.e. Selfish reasons

VenusRising Fri 03-May-13 12:01:17

He's abusive, you are gas lighted to think he's going to be magically nicer. He's inboard with you as he wants to control the situation, not because it's you.

You may find he has another kid very soon with his new girlfriend, just to rub your nose in it.

Get a puppy.

Your dd will be fine as an only.

It's your hormones in overdrive to want another bio child. Not to put too fine a point on it, you're 40 and the chances of having a less than perfect child are high now: how would you cope then?

You may meet a lovely divorced man with kids yet.

Don't go back to the abuser!!

anonacfr Fri 03-May-13 11:52:10

Also you don't know how controlling he might turn out in the future- how about school choices or even random things like extra curricular activities.
I remember a horrible thread a while back where a 'father' was making huge difficulties for his children because they weren't playing the right musical instruments.

You have to look at it long term- not just when the children are babies and toddlers and they're all cute and he has to defer to you as the primary carer.
If he was abusive and controlling to you he could use your children to manipulate you as they get older.

So yes, having another child with him would give him more control over you.

AThingInYourLife Fri 03-May-13 11:43:23

Bringing a child into the world with a man you know to be abusive is unbelievably irresponsible and selfish.

Having no dad is better than being forced to spend time by law with the kind of man who would kick his child out of their home because he was bored with fatherhood.

If you went to a sperm bank, would you choose the sample labelled "domestic abuser"?

The last thing anyone needs is for this prick to have another child.

newbiefrugalgal Fri 03-May-13 11:19:18

I'm another that thinks it might be a good idea.
DC have same father and same access.
Imagine one child going off to dads for the weekend.
The other googling 'sperm bank daddies 2013'

WhiteBirdBlueSky Fri 03-May-13 11:09:05

I'm going to go against the grain too. If he has a relationship with your DD already, then it's going to make life much easier to have both children with the same father. You're not going to have one who has a daddy and one who doesn't.

I think it would be important to do it on a sperm donor basis though and not just end up shagging him. grin

DIYapprentice Fri 03-May-13 10:37:07

Hmm, a difficult one, and with my head I would say 'don't do it'. But I have to be honest and say that actually, yes I would consider it, and would probably go ahead with it. I'd quite like my 2 DC to be on par. If you're not going to have the 2nd dad in their life, you may as well give them the same dad.

tribpot Fri 03-May-13 10:32:20

Looking at it from the point of view of your parents and siblings is a very helpful exercise. If you were two well-adjusted adults who'd fallen out of love but had a mutually respectful and mature relationship maybe this option would be the best and most practical. As it is it's just a minefield. And a minefield you'd be willingly walking into.

I would tell your parents about this offer, just to see their reactions in person. On top of which, from what you describe I could see your ex playing Golden Child/Scapegoat if he had two children, and you'd have to live with knowing you'd put the second child into that situation when they didn't need to be.

larrygrylls Fri 03-May-13 10:29:19

I think it is a good idea.

Firstly, you can never lose contact with him altogether as he is the father of your existing child. If the second one is with him, he can have contact with both at the same time, leaving you those periods free to get on with your life. They will be biological full siblings. He will have to contribute financially to both of them, which no one seems to have mentioned, and could make a big difference.

If you have your second with the sperm bank, you will forever be taking your first child around for contact while being left with the second. And, if you meet someone new, surely it is better to effectively be a single mother of two full siblings (as many are) than have one sibling with an exP and one with donated sperm?

I am not sure he gains any more control than he already has, which, by the sound of it, is OK now.

DoingItForMyself Fri 03-May-13 10:15:57

I started off thinking that it wasn't a bad idea, that having 2 DCs both having access with the same dad would be simpler etc, but having read all the other responses my mind has changed.

His EA tendencies are the biggest problem, he is still having an influence over you and is making you doubt your decisions. That alone is a worry. That he will no doubt inflict some of his less desirable behaviour on any children as they grow up is the bigger concern.

The only real reason I can see for not using a sperm bank is that there would be nobody else to take some of the responsibility off you for a day or two per week, but if you are close to your family and have friends who can help out with the odd sleepover etc, I can't see it being an issue.

The DCs won't make a big deal of their parentage if you don't differentiate. I have a friend with 3 DCs by 2 dads. One of the dads is reasonable with access/financial support, the other is useless, so the child rarely sees him, but with support from the rest of the family and even the other DCs' dad, its not a huge issue. Your children won't be the only ones with different family set-ups.

Booyhoo Fri 03-May-13 09:44:00

ive had to come back to this again.

OP this man is an abuser. they dont just keep that for 1 person and then never abuse again. once your DD gets to an age where he needs her to comply or wants to spin her his side of events he will start with EA and gaslighting etc with her. you will have a fight on your hands trying to protect her and get her through to adulthood withoyt too many issues from her father's attempts to control and manipulate her.

please please please dont do that to another child. you cant do anything about the one that already exists. she's here and she has to see her father but please dont create another life to subject it to him. that is very unfair and far outweighs any yearning you have for another child. Only children are not miserable/lonely children if their parents and families are very much involved and make sure there is plenty of opportunities for other friendships.

plus you never know what could happen. you could meet a lovely man next year who has two small children.

lottiegarbanzo Fri 03-May-13 09:31:47

Likewise, I'm an only, as my parents divorced when I was tiny. As an adult, I get a lot out of having a good relationship with my younger half siblings. It gives us a family of our generation, regardless of what happens to our parents.

You are facing a very complex equation and choices. There isn't one simple right answer but I'm afraid I do think involving the ex is very likely to be the wrong answer.

lottiegarbanzo Fri 03-May-13 09:26:52

Yes, I understand the point about giving your dd a sibling so she has family when older. I'm t the same age and stage - one young dd, considering another - and the idea that we and her gps are older, so she could bear the burden of our old age and beyond alone is very real.

pod3030 Fri 03-May-13 09:07:40

dd is 18 months.

i have thought about keeping with the one child, and it is still very much an option.
i am taking into account that she will be affected by a new family dynamic.
but i was also thinking of her when considering a sibling, as i am an older mum, her grandparents are therefore older, i would want someone in the world that is family that looks out for her and is there for her. my siblings and i are very close, and i want that for her.

anyway, the thread started because i was confused about the involvement of ex, not the morality of sperm donor babies- i've done that thread somewhere else.

ShotgunNotDoingThePans Fri 03-May-13 09:06:33

I agree with KingRollo and Distance; your 'yearnings' are not strong enough reasons to bring a child into the world - and they don't trump the rights of the child to arrive into a stable, balanced environment.

You've already mentioned the possibility of the 'I have a dad and you don't' scenario, which I'm sure wouldn't necessarily be said in so many words, but would always be there as an unspoken fact, whether it was openly acknowledged or not.

An unfair burden and disadvantage to place upon another human being.

Trill Fri 03-May-13 08:59:24

You keep saying that in some ways it is better than going to a sperm bank.

These are not the only options.

Please also consider the option of not having another child.

Not every child needs a sibling. Not every child's life is enhanced by having a sibling.

Your life might not be better with another child in it either.

BedHanger Fri 03-May-13 08:54:34

How old is your DD?

DistanceCall Fri 03-May-13 08:53:32

I'm going to go against the grain here. I think having children using a sperm donor is rather selfish. But you shouldn't have children with someone you don't love.

I would focus on the child I had, to be honest.

MusicalEndorphins Fri 03-May-13 08:49:03

Your children will love each other same no matter if they have the same fathers. If you use your ex for a father, he will want to be involved, but with an anonymous donor, you would not have him involved. Either way, the children will be siblings and bond. For all you know, you could have a baby on your own, then meet someone and have 2 more with him. You never know what lays ahead.

pod3030 Fri 03-May-13 08:47:07

ehric you really hit the nail on the head.

i do feel i will be using a lot of energy in the future protecting dd from his world view (which is ego centric).

so helpful all of you i can't thank you enough for you're help in getting some perspective. x

pod3030 Fri 03-May-13 08:41:48

thankyou show very good to get perspective from someone who's done the donation side of things . and you're right, full siblings arn't the be all.

my mind is racing now. i think i am definately back to my original thoughts of doing it alone with sperm bank.

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