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Stalemate!! What now?

(35 Posts)
Niknakpaddywhack Thu 02-May-13 21:00:11

Sorry, this is long but I am at a point where I don't know what to do and would really appreciate some advice.

Some background- me and dh have been together 20 odd years, married for over 15yrs, we have 2 ds's mid-teens, and dh has 3 adult children from his first marriage, who have 4 children between them.
It has not been an easy marriage but up until about 5 years ago it was mainly happy- we are good together with finances, sharing the work load, sexually, but not so good with communication or dealing with problems.

So...in the past when we've had issues it has always been me that instigates talking about it and trying to resolve the problems, but the same issues keep arising. I am fed up going through the same things time and time again eg his uncalled for rudeness of my parents, ignoring house rules when our gkids are here (but I'm not) etc
Six weeks ago an issue arose that we had discussed at least twice before and agreed a way forward, which dh disregarded each time. I told him I was cross then walked away.
I did not want to be the one that sorts it all out and then gets shit on all over again so I haven't mentioned it again- my initial feeling was that I'm done, had enough, don't want to do this anymore. I don't know if I love him enough to be bothered anymore. So I've not kissed him, hugged him, or let him kiss or hug me, nor have we had sex (usually 2 or 3 times a week). I am polite but distant. I'm not sure what I want or expect to happen.
FWIW these issues on their own aren't LTB but neither do I want to be disrespected.

claudedebussy Sat 04-May-13 11:19:55

to me, rudenes to my family and friends shows a huge lack of respect and i'd be really upset.

have you tried calling him on it in front of everyone?

how do you normally handle it?

AThingInYourLife Sat 04-May-13 13:20:18

The hostility towards and ignoring of my parents would be a deal breaker for me.

I think you should change tack on your house rules.

The "no gc upstairs" rule doesn't get to the problem at all.

It just seems like one of those pointless rules made by fussy people that are made to be broken.

I would address the actual problem by scrapping that rule and instituting a new rule that children in your home are to be supervised by their own parents.

That means no toddlers off upstairs out of sight and mind while adults watch TV and leave them to other children to look after.

It's not fair (or safe) to do as they are doing.

I would communicate this rule to adult stepchildren, and remind and enforce when I was at home.

I would also encourage my sons to tell their older siblings when they had enough of playing with their DNs.

cjel Sat 04-May-13 13:25:51

Athing. I just had a thought about the rules and following what you said it would make more sense to have a no TV rule while they are there, it struck me that we don't have tv on when we are all together.

Niknakpaddywhack Sat 04-May-13 22:59:27

Thanks again for your responses.

claudedebussy I normally discuss any rudeness once we are alone. I suppose I'm embarrassed and don't want to draw more attention to it- I want him to be liked.

Mmmm AThingInYourLife I can see what you mean, but communicating that to my dsc and dgc would mean I would have to do it and be the wicked stepmom, and then dh wouldn't enforce when I'm not home. And I have always told my ds's that it is lovely that they play so well with their dn's but that they can do something else whenever they want. Again, it's harder for them when I am not around to 'release' them.

I suppose the fact that I am still pondering on these issues means that I haven't quitegiven up and so perhaps counselling is the answer- perhaps make me understand why I am controlling and why he is rude?!

AThingInYourLife Sun 05-May-13 07:45:47

Nobody can call you a wicked stepmother for asking them not to dump their small children on teenagers without checking first and releasing them after a short time.

And if they even attempt it, you go hmm

And if your husband won't stand up for his younger children in this, then you know that he can't be trusted to put their interests first.

Now you have a good reason to make him leave.

claudedebussy Sun 05-May-13 08:48:18

ok well i would start calling him up on it in front of everyone. you don't have to be rude or aggressive yourself, just say the words in a gentle manner. calls attention to it without losing the plot. your family will be pleased that you're sticking up for them and your dh will hopefully begin to see the light. the great mn classic:

'did you mean to be so rude darling?'

'darling, great-auntie agnes is talking to you.'

see if he starts to change.

and i agree that your dss should not be babysitting. the no kids upstairs rule isn't working.

so i'd take the responsibility away from your dh and put it on your step kid's laps. get them together, with your dh, and explain that while your sons love their nephews / nieces, and are happy to play with them for a bit, they also need their own time. and so can all the kids come to some sort of agreement that when the teenagers are tired, they bring the kids down to mum and she takes over.

force the parents to take responsibility.

if it doesn't happen, your kids tell you they're tired, you go up, get the kids, take them downstairs and tell mum that the teenagers really need their own space now. could she take them in the garden for a bit?

but absolutely stop your sons babysitting for so long.

Niknakpaddywhack Wed 08-May-13 12:21:30

Thanks again -sorry for the delay- had a hectic few days.

claudedebussy will definitely have to try harder to pull him up on his rudeness at the time, I just wish he didn't do it!!
The problem with this if it doesn't happen, your kids tell you they're tired, you go up, get the kids, is that it never happens when I am home - I will get them stuff to do downstairs and it's never an issue.

So, this weekend my dh initiated a discussion saying that we needed to start talking about our relationship as are drifting further apart - I thought he'd read the thread! I agreed, but the more we talked the less I felt we resolved. This was at midnight- we don't have a lot of time without our ds's around so it's very difficult to have a proper discussion
and, more importantly, our es has his GCSEs for the next 4 weeks and I don't want this to jeopardise his results.

We've agreed to get through the next month as we have been- amicable and polite, and think about what we want and how we can achieve that. DH has said ' why don't we just go back to normal and work on it as we go along' but this is what we have done many times over the last few years, and I refuse to do it again. There has to be a better way or I'm ready to call it a day.

Thanks again for all your comments- I have read and will re-read again so that I can see both sides as there are lots of valid points that I need to consider.

Mindyourownbusiness Sun 12-May-13 17:53:38

God l feel for you, could have written your OP and thanks for the link btw.
Can l just say (probably get flamed) but visits with young children lasting four or five hours overrunning your house and not even allowing you to keep any part of it sacred. Nightmare. No matter how close family they are l think that is more like setting up camp rather than visiting.
Like me l think certain someones are enjoying the peace - the DSGCs mum or dad (whichever one isn't your DHs DC iyswim). l have mentioned on another thread about my DHs DIL being overheard many times encouraging her DP (DHs son obv.) to give the DGCs a meal here or stay here longer etc. so she gets a nice quiet few hours to herself.
You need to start arranging to go out at weekend - you and your DH so that they cant all 'camp' at your house and will have to limit their visits to a couple of hours or until you are due to go out.
My DH is exactly same as yours with house rules. I avoid going out when his DCs and DGCs are here as otherwise they will be picking up glass picture frames, climbing up in the window (if they fall they very probably will hurt themselves and break our TV basically) trampolining on our bed (they broke our last on ) going in my jewellery box where l keep some very precious (to me that is, but of quite significant value aswell) bits of jewellery. l came in one day to find my DSGD trying to put a pair of my diamond earrings in to dress up and play round the house wearing them.
I too see nothing wrong from banning them from our bedroom for above reasons but DH just cant seem to bear to put up any boundaries for fear of them taking offence as you say.
Have to go out now am afraid so will look back in later.

claudedebussy Sun 12-May-13 19:03:43

how's it going Niknakpaddywhack?

Niknakpaddywhack Sun 12-May-13 21:01:44

That's exactly it MYOB No matter how close family they are l think that is more like setting up camp rather than visiting. But when my DS'S have kids I will be able to tell them- "Lovely to see you but we're off out now so I'll see you out" without feeling, or being made to feel, guilty.
Most people wouldn't allow these issues to happen but it all changes if it's dsc- why?

claudedebussy thank you for asking and also for offering so much advice. We have talked, and I have tried not to take 'control' so that any decisions we make are those that we agree on.
I have explained that I am ready to give up- not as blackmail but to show how serious I am, because unless we are happier in our relationship then I would rather be on my own.
I have also made him actually consider what it's been like in my shoes and what compromises and effort I have HAD to make as a step-parent so that we have a good relationship with his children. I was very young - only 18 when we met, and I think he forgets, or takes for granted, all the things I have done to support him.

So I now expect the courtesy of his respect and effort to make me happy, for example, with decisions or his rudeness with my parents.
He says he understands and that he will make sure that, in future, he will consider my feelings, as he wants us to stay together.
I have to say, I'm not convinced-old habits die hard- but will give it one last try.

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