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I need to talk. My sister.......

(5 Posts)
sparkle101 Thu 02-May-13 19:53:22

Hi

Please can I apologise in advance for what could be a very long and gibbering thread but I need advice.

My sister is 6 years older than me (we have another sister in between us). Our dad was a womaniser and treated our mum like dirt and used to beat her. He hated us the majority of the time and was an alcoholic. My sister found my dad's "very hardcore" pornography colleaction at 12. My mum was too scared to leave him and so we had many years of this. My sister rebelled against him and started seeing the local bad boy and being promiscuous. When my sister was 17 she found my dad dead in the car in the garage having killed himself, they had not been talking for months when she found him.

His parents had disowned my sister because of her relationship and that she had disrespected him (even though my dad had raised his fist to his mum and they had not spoken to him for six months before his death) When they died they left her a tiny amount in their will (compared to me and other sister), and only so they could leave a shitty note about her attitude. As my step grandmother died a few months again the money is being divided up imminently.

She set up home with her boyfriend and had two children. They got into swinging but he was also violent to her and she eventually threw him out after about ten years. She then got into meeting men off the web for sex.

My nephew started stealing from her and his behaviour was so shocking she had to throw him out (at about 17/18 and having made sure he could go to his dads) my nephew now hates her and will not speak to her. My neice started self harming at 15 and it came out she felt she was trapped in a boy's body, she is now unergoing the process of a sex change.

During these sexual experiences my sister met her now husband. They both agreed to put it behind them and stay with each other. He is lovely and treats her so well. She has said in the past to me she craves sex and the thrill of cheating etc. She has also said that she is very up and down, some days pure elation and other days utter depression, to the point if my niece wasn't around she would have killed herself.

I have tried to encourage her to go to the doctors as she is much much more sad than happy, but she has had some tablets and some counselling in the past and it hasn't helped. I've tried to explain that it took me a good three or four counsellors to find a good one and maybe the tablets weren't the right ones.

She admitted today that she has been cheating on her husband throughout their marriage, she feels happy when she has sex with other people. She has also been drinking a great deal to the point I am worried about an addiction.

When she went home today he spoke to her to say he had booked himself into a counsellor as he thought he was in the wrong, she explained it was all her fault, she felt somthered, not sure how she feels about him and cannot live her life without having sex with other people, and he has left her.

I have tried so many times to say that life has dealt her a shit hand but she has another 40 odd years ahead of her and she deserves to be happy, that she needs to decide what she wants in life and it is not normal to feel how she feels. What with my dad, his parents, my nephew and my niece's sex change its not right to not stop and be upset or take time for herself. I want her to be happy, or at least balanced.

I want to help. I want to take away her pain. I couldn't bear if she did what my dad did. I've managed to deal with my dad the best I can and feel this is the root cause to a great deal of her problems. How can I help her? What should I say? What shouldn't I say? I have no idea at all.

Sorry its an essay. Thank you if you read this far.

StrawberryMojito Thu 02-May-13 20:02:44

Just be there. You sound a great sister. If her husband would be up for couples counselling could you suggest that,or would they be past that point.

sparkle101 Fri 03-May-13 05:24:39

I'd hope they'd consider couples counselling but I really don't think she has her head anywhere where she can decide what she wants or make a commitment.

The fact she is upset I suppose is a good sign but its just what to do now.

Littlefish Fri 03-May-13 06:52:50

She really needs to go and see a GP. The enormous highs and lows, the risky behaviour, the self medicating with alcohol could be a sign of mental health issues such as Bi Polar. I'm sorry to say that I don't think couples counselling will work until she has addressed her own mental health issues.

fluffymindy Fri 03-May-13 07:02:11

This sounds like bipolar to me too, the risk taking. Please encourage her to seek help. You must be so worried about her but she needs to see a Doctor. Perhaps ask if you can go with her for 'support'. If you do not feel the Doc is taking it seriously, keep going and see someone else. It often takes a bit of time and often the person can mask their behaviour in front of professionals. Perhaps contact MIND for some support and advice for you?

You sound like a wonderful sister and she is very lucky to have you. Best wishes x

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