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Why isn't leaving cheating DP an easier decision?

(39 Posts)
questions2008 Thu 02-May-13 11:42:25

Over the last 2 weeks my DP confessed that he has cheated on me with 3 women over the past 2-3 months (we've been together for 5 months, he moved in after a month). The first 2 were random women he met at a bar and it went as far as kissing/groping. The last one was with his ex who he got back in touch with about 3 months ago by email and then started meeting up with her, leading to sleeping with her. At first he admitted to just being in touch with his ex, about a week later in an argument he admitted he’d slept with her, this week’s revelations have included the 2 random women and yesterday the fact that he’d exchanged explicit emails with his ex, and taken photos of her.

Now I’m not usually the type to be anyone’s doormat. I have always read the regular cheating/affair posts on here and recoiled with disgust, sure in my long-held (but never tested) opinion that I would never take a man back if I knew he’d cheated on me (in any way, not just sex).

He says he detached himself from the reality of what he was doing, that he would never do this again – that he won’t go out by himself, only when we could both go out together – and of course that he loves me and doesn't want to lose me.

Most days since finding this out, I felt a sick knot in my stomach throughout the day, and my emotions change by the hour from anger, to pain, to sadness to relief. I think part of me could actually ignore what happened and I have a strong desire to do that. How is this possible? Is this possible, is it healthy? Or will it come back to haunt me when I wake up? Why is it so hard for me to actually mean it when I say to him that this is over and I cannot forgive him, let alone trust and believe him?

I’m not sure what I am looking for here, I haven’t told any of my friends/family because I feel like a stupid fool, so I can’t talk to anyone in RL about this and I have no experience of infidelity. Perhaps I need to hear from others that I would be an idiot to consider staying in this relationship because from the inside my perspective feels utterly warped.

LoserNoMore Thu 02-May-13 17:26:34

You'll be better off without him. As someone who has recently thrown out husband of 12 years for similar, it will be for the best. And if he's doing that after only 5 months together it doesn't bode well.

questions2008 Thu 02-May-13 17:04:12

I understand it may seem like that - but it's quite the opposite, my parents have been nothing but supportive and would never dream of thinking that a woman needs a man - my mother just the other day, seeing that I was upset, told me about her friends' two grown up daughters who were single and living fulfilled and happy lives and that there was no need to be unhappy for the sake of a man (my parents have been (mostly) happily married for 30 odd years now so she's not a man hater either).

I think they were just happy that I was happy, after seeing how badly my marriage turned out.

But yes there have been other bad examples of relationships in the family, although I have always thought of them as being ones not to replicate rather than the "norm". So I think some counselling would be a good idea.

I have booked myself in for an STI check next week.

I think that is also part of it - in some way I feel sorry for him, he needs to be fixed I suppose. I just won't be the one to do it.

Thank you again for your posts.

mummytime Thu 02-May-13 16:08:38

You need an STI test!

How does that make you feel? If you let him near you, you might as well be sleeping with random strangers (from a health perspective).

Now your family seem a bit unbalanced if they were for him moving in after a month. I would suggest you go to the Freedom Program and probably try to get some counselling too. You have obviously already picked two losers (your sons father and this one). Try to sort out your boundaries and ideas before another relationship.

BTW You do not have to fix him! Just kick him out.

Charbon Thu 02-May-13 16:01:21

If your parents supported you moving a man in after only a month-long relationship, that makes me wonder how you were socialised in terms of romantic relationships, within your family of origin.

There are families who believe that women and mothers need to have a man in their lives, even at a terrible cost to the women and children concerned.

olgaga Thu 02-May-13 15:47:51

I think you've had some good, kind and quite restrained advice here.

Act on it.

You weren't stupid to fall for it, but you'd be stupid to keep falling for it.

Lweji Thu 02-May-13 15:43:12

But don't worry about what could have been.
Just sort it out now and make a note for the future.
Learning from mistakes and all that. smile

Xales Thu 02-May-13 15:38:03

Wow 5 months and he has messed around with at least 3 women you know of.

Imagine what he will do in 5 years when your relationship is mundane and normal.

Please consider a trip to an STI clinic. He loves you enough to risk your sexual health.

questions2008 Thu 02-May-13 15:21:26

Yes absolutely, I realise that for my son's sake at least I shouldn't have done it, however right it felt.

EhricLovesTeamQhuay Thu 02-May-13 15:17:37

That should be a lesson to you on why decisions like that should be based on solid evidence, not a 'good feeling'
Your son should never have had a man move in to be besotted with after such a short time. You didn't know him and now he has screwed you, and your son, over.
Next time, go sloooooooow
And if you think you have gone slow enough, go a bit slower. At least where your son is concerned.

AttilaTheMeerkat Thu 02-May-13 15:16:49

Please find some self respect and get rid of this cheating cocklodger now.

Also examine your own reasons as to why he moved in with you and your son after a month. Hindsight is a great thing but even without that, this was never a good idea on your part was it?. You did not know each other and you certainly did not know him fully after such a short time. He hit paydirt when he met (targeted) you.

questions2008 Thu 02-May-13 15:13:11

I realise for him to have moved in after just a month sounds crazy, and it felt a bit crazy at the time, but honestly it felt mostly right - even my parents were quite for it which was a big surprise. He is brilliant with my son, they are both quite besotted with each other - this breaks my heart, for my son. I don't think it's a matter of him using me, I think it's more his self-destructive tendencies to screw up anything good in his life.

And that is the bottom line of the matter I guess, to accept this would be permission for it to happen again and I may have had the excuse of ignorance first time round but I'd only have myself to blame if I gave him the chance.

thank you for your replies.

Beckamaw Thu 02-May-13 13:47:28

I think this is horrendous, but you
are luckier than most in this situation. You know about it and can act accordingly, and get over him ASAP.

Just get rid.

It won't get better. To accept this after 5 months would be tantamount to permission.

Leave the useless bastard. Make space in your life for a decent one.

SanitaryOwl Thu 02-May-13 13:46:29

Kick the bastard out. NOW. I'm not a one for saying LTB to anyone, but, really!

delilahlilah Thu 02-May-13 13:21:17

It's not that you shouldn't let a man move in with you ever again, it's that you should take more time to get to know them first. Personally, he wouldn't even be meeting my children one month in.....
Get rid of him asap.... he has no respect for you.

Charbon Thu 02-May-13 12:28:36

If you've let a man move in with you and your children after a month, I'd have imagined that family and friends expressed concern. If that's the case, maybe what's holding you back from taking the most obvious sensible course of action is an unwillingness to prove them right. It's a very common dynamic that people stay in relationships for far too long because of feelings of 'us against the world'.

I'd advise ending the relationship but after that, spend a bit of time analysing what led you to making such a rash decision and then doubting yourself and even considering remaining in such a relationship.

Longdistance Thu 02-May-13 12:28:20

5 months is no time.
I take it, I is your house/ flat?
Just pack up his shit, and chuck him out. And if he doesn't return the key, change the locks.
He's a vile disgusting creature, and is no doubt using you angry

EhricLovesTeamQhuay Thu 02-May-13 12:24:09

5 months is the blink of an eye. Cut him out and you will be over him in weeks. Don't cut him out and you are in for a lifetime of heartache. Just do it. You would be a real fool to carry on with this guy.

questions2008 Thu 02-May-13 12:17:22

You're right, Lweji, I think I have spent too much time thinking about rather than just acting my gut reaction.

Isabeller Thu 02-May-13 12:12:51

Poisoned Apple.

Looks just like a healthy delicious apple.

bollockstoit Thu 02-May-13 12:12:13

And why has he told you about it? I'd be suspicious that someone knows what he's been up to and more revelations are about to come out sad

Lweji Thu 02-May-13 12:12:00

Honestly, you need action now.
Stop thinking about it.

questions2008 Thu 02-May-13 12:10:30

I know you are all right. I am saying the same things to myself, about everything. I just needed to see it in black and white, hear it from others. It is so awful that he could treat me with such disrespect on so many levels.

Mumsyblouse Thu 02-May-13 12:03:40

You say 'move in with us'- does that mean you have children too?

I think the only thing that can be said is to use this as a warning to slow things right down in future, and to spend at least 6 months or more getting to know someone, seeing them with different people (work colleagues, friends, family), seeing them in different situations (stress, events, unexpected things) and just seeing how it plays out. You can't judge someone's character after a month.

As for what to do presumably as the house is yours, you ask him to move out! Surely he isn't expecting to stay after cheating 3 x in 5 months"

Sidge Thu 02-May-13 12:02:34

Just to give you something to compare it to - I've been seeing a guy for 5 months. We don't live together but are dating exclusively.

We're still in the hearts and flowers stage, all soppy and shagging our little socks off.

Surely that's how it should be, 5 months in to a new relationship? Not moving in and then in a matter of weeks looking around for someone else to shag.

You're not stupid. But you would be if you didn't kick him out ASAP. He's just using you.

TallyGrenshall Thu 02-May-13 11:56:41

YOU are not stupid.

HE is stupid because HE is the one that has wrecked this relationship.

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