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So, now he's withholding sex.

(10 Posts)
IzzyO Thu 02-May-13 08:12:29

Past couple of months he's gone out of his way to start arguments. Picking on me for every little thing, creating arguments out of nothing - even inventing scenarios and arguining over them! I've recently stopped biting the bait so it is calming down somewhat but even so I asked him if anything was wrong, had I done something to piss him off? is he unhappy? does he want to split? all of these questions were reacted to with horror and promises of loving me forever and being together forever and he was just "stressed" because we're moving house. Well guess what, so am I!! although on top of moving house I have 3 assignments due in within the next 2 weeks, I'm working full time and I'm having to put up with constant bickering at home - I'm fucking stressed too but I don't take it out on anyone else!!

Ok so his latest thing is withholding sex. I'm 9 years younger than him and my sex drive is pretty good. So was his until recently. We used to have sex almost every night and a few months back it went to around 2/3 nights a week. I could cope with that. Now it's zero. He has not come anywhere near me for over a fortnight. Again I tried doing the grown thing and talking to him - laying no blame I said I'd like us both to make more effort with our sex life. I understand we're both tired and stressed out but I miss the intimacy with him and need to get it back. I suggested we go to bed earlier (since he stays on the sofa until gone midnight when he actually falls asleep down there before coming to bed!). He said "but I get tired during the week" - so do I! so now we're just going to have sex on a weekend?? he replied "well another thing is that I don't like having sex when the kids are in the house" - so .... that would be every night then?? how come it wasn't a problem before?

So anyway he agreed to make more effort but added "you know, if ever you fancy it just come on to me - I don't mind" - err great, if ever I'm desperate then I'll just climb on top of you, sort myself out and then you don't have to put in ANY effort at all - ok hmm.

So next night - it gets to 11pm and I say "right, I'm off to bed .... " (secretely been looking forward to a bit of intimacy all day). He jumped up and said "yeah me too" - great I think.
We get to bed and he just lays there going to sleep. I make the effort, go closer to him, kiss him - he gives me a quick kiss and says "night night darling".

So what the actual fuck is going on here?? I know you'll all scream "affair" but there are no other symptoms of that. He's never out, never late home from work, leaves his phone lying around - if he's cheating he's giving her just about as much attention as he gives me. Fuck all.

PregnantPain Thu 02-May-13 08:15:33

I think you should sit him down and tell him how you feel, I'd want my DP to come to me if he was unhappy. Maybe he is having problems with erectile dysfunction or similar and feels embarrassed to tell you. Just sit him down and say whatever the problem may be he can tell you?

IzzyO Thu 02-May-13 08:18:57

Defo not erectile disfunction. If I play with him, its up within seconds. He just chooses not to use it.

Should have also added in the op that I know he looks at porn which pisses me off - he can't come near me yet he can watch sleazy shit on the internet and get off on that? great confidence boost that is.

NorthernLurker Thu 02-May-13 08:23:34

I think he's spending his sex drive on porn. You need to have aserious talk about that.

VoiceofUnreason Thu 02-May-13 08:31:35

My ex did that. Wouldn't have sex in the week because she was "too tired after work" (as you say, so was I, but.....) So it became weekends only. Which then become Sunday mornings only. Which then became nothing.

Her sex drive was never great to begin with (she admitted that the initial frequency was to "get me") and she really had no interest in sex much at all.

She wasn't cheating, as I knew her schedule and she was hardly ever out. This may just be a total libido issue, it may have nothing to do with an affair. My ex went to her doctor to check hormone levels or physical problems and nothing.

I put up with the situation for far too long. Tried to talk about it. She refused. After several years I left. Should have done it long before. Tackle this head on, but gently, but if it isn't resolved to your satisfaction, walk away, because it is unlikely to improve.

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 02-May-13 08:39:10

How long have you been together? If it's a long time, something radical has changed and my money would be on the porn. If you've not been together that long then maybe the novelty of three-times-a-night sex has worn off?

SundaysGirl Thu 02-May-13 10:16:09

The house this a big change for you both in terms of how your set-up is financially? Are you buying a new house together or anything like that?

BIWI Thu 02-May-13 10:22:13

Has he, perhaps, had a one night stand and is frightened that he might have caught something?

It seems very odd, if you're sure he's not having an affair, to go from every night to nothing.

MadAboutHotChoc Thu 02-May-13 10:28:33

Could he be cheating during work hours? Lunchtimes/fake conferences and seminars?

It could be porn (which is linked to infidelity btw) but an affair is more likely given the petty arguments and bickering.

Mondrian Thu 02-May-13 10:47:20

Male view - really tempted to say "how you liking it now that the shoe is on the other foot" or even that "he is showing classic signs of oestrogen supremacy" but .......

Ok on a serious note I thing it's not the relationship per-say but the stress of the move. Different people behave differently under stress, I am fine, i even perform petter (in life & work) and actually use sex to de-stress but my DW doesn't and shows exactly the same symptoms as your DH does. You on the other hand can handle the stress, that's all.

Male (& even female) performance (sexual) is very much driven by self confidence so easy to get yourself into a vicious circle so while initially it could be brought on by stress it could then turn into a self confidence issue - before all this started was there any signs of performance issues?

If either of the above play a factor it's pretty easy to put it right.

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