Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

I am right to say no to this aren't I?

(67 Posts)
Mollymom Wed 01-May-13 19:33:59

Exdp and I have been separated a month now. He hasnt yet moved out and dd doesnt onow anything yet. Exdp wants to take dd camping this weekend with him and ow. I do not think this is a good idea at all and want to say no. Am I right? The thought of this gives me a huge amount of anger. They willbe playing happy families I think

simplesusan Fri 03-May-13 19:04:25

So you have been separated for a month and your ex has already made plans to move in with another woman! Good God what a total shit.

I personally wouldn't be so accomodating.

I would be telling him to leave and not making life at all easy.

No your dd should not be meeting let alone going away with the ow.

Tell him no.

Tell him to go and fuck himself.

Go to a solicitor and get some good, solid legal advice.

Take care of yourself and dd.

Then later on down the line come back and celebrate with us and we will all do a merry gig with you, rejocing at how much better your life has become without this manchild.

SolidGoldBrass Fri 03-May-13 18:37:39

Sockreturningpixie: yes, people throw their partners' belongings into the garden and tell them never to come back but this will only work if the unfaithful partner accepts the punishment. If s/he knows his/her rights and simply refuses to leave, then changing the locks won't stop him/her calling a locksmith and changing them again. If there is no court order to keep an unfaithful partner out, then s/he can break a window or force a door to get into the home; it's not a crime to break into your own home.

IneedAsockamnesty Fri 03-May-13 09:24:03

Of course I'm not actually advocating that anyone do that. And I would always say to anyone who asked me anything from a legal angle 'go see a solisiter'

IneedAsockamnesty Fri 03-May-13 09:18:54

It would be unusual for the police to do anything other than say it. Because they mostly go down the its a civil route line.

And in reality they cannot force you to let someone in unless that person has a court order they have no powers what so ever to make you let the other person in.

Mollymom Fri 03-May-13 06:56:47

His parents know we have split but not sure if they know about ow. They are fairly old so wouldnt want to distress them by bringing them into it. They are supportive tho. Getting legal advice is a good idea. Will look into that next week. Hadnt thought that he was being manipulative but he is! I feel like I am starting to see the real him now.

PurpleThing Fri 03-May-13 03:08:41

SoldGold is right though. If he starts to make a scene when he comes "home" and finds the locks changed and the police get involved they will say that she has no right to bar him from his home. This was my experience even though stbxh was actually renting somewhere else already, he still had a claim on our marital home for a long period (a year I think). And that kind of scene is going to be very distressing for OP and dd AND give ex the ammunition of The Police being on his side.

OP, "you get everything your own way" is clearly a laughable accusation when he is having an affair and taking so little responsibility. Please do not listen to his attacks against your character. Please consider what is in your dd's best interest and try to enforce that.

Have you thought about mediation? It can be difficult with someone who is manipulative so don't stick with it if he is being a nightmare. But it can help to make him justify how his actions benefit dd to an unbiased by-stander. What do his parents think?

Please also get legal advice.

IneedAsockamnesty Fri 03-May-13 00:53:36


People sling their partners stuff out the door loads,it happens its a fairly usual reaction to cheating or other such behaviours it only becomes an issue if the other party takes them to court.

Not a good tactic for a provable abusive person to try because that's classed as another incident of DV but for a perfectly reasonable none abusive person who has come to the end of her teather due to OW being flaunted and the total lack of consideration towards her dd's emotional well being it would be considered not a abnormal response.

Certain types of people tend not to bother with occupation orders because they imagine they cost thousands take months and in the absence of actual physical violence are unlikely to be obtained but lets hope he never learns they cost 70 quid and get issued for more reasons than violence

SabrinaMulhollandJjones Thu 02-May-13 22:04:29

Ooops - sorry didn't notice there was a page2&3 to this thread! Hope you and dd have a nice weekend together.

SabrinaMulhollandJjones Thu 02-May-13 22:00:44

Too soon, definitely.

Mollymom Thu 02-May-13 21:52:38

No idea what she sees in him but perhaps she is after some kind of father figure-ex alluded to something bad happening to her. Think he probably has fed her a long line of me not understanding him type stuff. Hope it doesnt last long. I would never have him back whatever happebs tho.

OhHullitsOnlyMeYoni Thu 02-May-13 21:21:13

She probably thinks he is house trained and older=wiser. She has no doubt been fed a pack of 'woe is me' bull by him and thinks all he needs is a good woman. Of course, it will be the OW who is at fault (as in OP). She is too young to have come across this man before; she should be running for the hills. She will learn.

Skinnywhippet Thu 02-May-13 21:15:01

Gosh he's stereotypical. What does she see in him? Is she prepared for a step daughter?

Walkacrossthesand Thu 02-May-13 18:51:59

This may be premature but, with my crystal ball, and mindful of the big age gap, I foresee a fairly rapid deceleration of their lurve orbit once real life gets in the way - at which point he will likely come crawling back sobbing that he wants his family life back.... I do hope you will be able to remember, at that point, how little heed he's paying you and DD now - it's as if you no longer exist, isn't it!! - and keep your door firmly closed. Then brace yourself for the venom of a man spurned, because of course none of this will be His Fault.

OhHullitsOnlyMeYoni Thu 02-May-13 18:03:18

Well done, you have sorted that out well.
He isn't thinking using much above the waist atm so sadly a lot of the practicalities may well be left to you. Hope DD copes well with the news x

Mollymom Thu 02-May-13 18:00:10

Thank you everyone. After complaigning he isnt getting to see much of dd he is still going camping with ow for the whole weekend! Me and dd have got lots of lovely thingd planned with friends so she wont notice him being gone. We do joint own the house. Have already completed a tax credit claim and told him how much maitainence I need. He doesnt want csa involved but if he doesnt pay I can then go down that route. Will tell dd next week and let her teacher know. Dont think ge has thought of that kind of stuff

OhHullitsOnlyMeYoni Thu 02-May-13 17:09:02

Is the trouble that you feel by telling DD you are making it 'real' OP?

SolidGoldBrass Thu 02-May-13 17:07:22

Please everyone bear in mind that she cannot throw him out of the house if he refuses to leave. A person cannot be forced out of a house that they own, or co-own, for adultery without a drawn out legal process (ie an agreement to sell the house and divide the proceeds). I know it's a really shit situation to have to put up with, but given that he has announced his intention to move in a month or two the OP's best option really is to put up with it until then.

However WRT this camping trip, glad you have put a stop to it Molly as it would have been very distressing for your DD to be stuck in a tent with a woman she doesn't know at all and no sign of you.

YOur best bet now is to get some legal advice WRT maintenance, access etc. This man is going to put his own interests first, all the time, so it's a good idea to be fully informed of your rights, DD's rights and his responsibilities, because you can't trust him to tell you the truth about anything.

Fleecyslippers Thu 02-May-13 17:02:46

Typical behaviour of an cheating wanker. And he won't change his attitude despite any reservations that you have because he and OW are selfish, self centered and think that the sun (and your DD) revolves around them and their new found 'lurve affair' hmm

The best thing that you can do is raise any concerns that you have in a calm and consistent way with specific examples of how his actions might affect your daughter. How confused and bewildered she will be and how adding OW into the mix so soon is the most selfish and idiotic thing ever (Don't say idiotic to him though cos that makes you the spiteful EX wink
I would force the issue of telling your DD NOW. Why is everything on his terms ? (Actually I already know the answer to that)
Your little girl is already bound to sense that things are not quite right. I would tell her as soon as YOU feel comfortable doing so because you are the one who will be left drying her tears while he fucks off into the sunset.

And after the initial upset, the best thing for you to do is continue to be the centre of her world, the solid, dependable base who is consistent and secure.

One day at a time OP - you WILL get through this but you need to get some control back over yours and DDs lives. He is an arsehole of the highest order sad

KBabs Thu 02-May-13 16:10:19

Even from a devil advocate opposing position I doubt the OW (from their perspective) would be impressed to be put in the situation of this either.
I am mindful of and appreciate this "lens" is not a perspective either for OP or her DD concern but does form part of the current landscape.

OP I hope it works out for you and your DD sounds like you will be well shot of him and hopefully move your lives onto higher quality relationships you both deserve. Having myself had a father demonstrating similar behaviour with a number of OW when I was a young child, I can assure you kids can see through this woeful behaviour, not that I am wishing it on them IYKWIM.

<Big hugs>

AndTheBandPlayedOn Thu 02-May-13 14:58:10

Molly, imho, he is using your niceness against you. At this point, why on earth do you give a s#!t what he thinks regarding "you getting it all your way"? He is clearly projecting his position on you (he is the one having everything his own way) to try to stop you in your tracks so he can go on having everything his own way. Stop falling for that manipulative

Give him a choice this weekend: he can not go shagging camping and move his stuff out, or you will move his stuff out for him...and that'd be in bin bags in the front yard for him to pick up on his return. And change the locks.

Imho, you will need to tell your dd. He obviously Isn't going to do it. It sounds like he was just going to throw dd and ow together and let the small child "figure it out for herself". angry on your behalf.

Mollymom Thu 02-May-13 14:32:12

I think he will find someway of making it my fault like I have primed dd or something!

DameFanny Thu 02-May-13 12:29:41

Is it worth pointing out to him that DD is most likely to be really angry with him if it's made plain to her that he's ditched you for someone else? Worth appealing to his self-interest, since he has so much of it?

NotKathyReichs Thu 02-May-13 12:21:29

Im just shocked youre letting him use you in this way! How are you supposed too deal with the end of the relationship and move on when he keeps popping back? In his head he has already left you and your dd sad

Change the locks, ring csa and start explaining whats happening to your dd before she has to go have overnights with the ow. He is taking advantage of you

Lweji Thu 02-May-13 11:41:21

Change the locks on this twunt and let him argue this in court.

He is not really living there anyway. It seems that he's just making a point.

Mollymom Thu 02-May-13 11:21:38

The relationship with ow started before we separated. We werent particularly happy anyway but I thought things could have been worked at. I posted another thread last week about him going shopping for stuff for his new place with ow when I am still waiting for him to sort out a new windiw fir dds room-he wants a mate to do it-been waiting for this since september!

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now