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Tricky friendship issue(16 Posts)
Looking for a bit of general advice and need to vent... I have a friend (not a close friend as such, but someone who I knew socially) who started working for a company that shares our premises. She is bright, beautiful, has plenty of friends and interests and is generally a nice person.
She also has terrible taste in men, and can't be in a relationship - she doesn't know how. She has scared off the most recent guy (long story which might out me), and I've held her hand through it as she has been in a state at work and has spent every lunch hour for the last few months dissecting the whole thing. Her behaviour towards him now I find unsettling. I've tried everything from telling her bluntly that it's her behaviour that's putting him off, to just nodding and listening, pouring the tea.
Here's the crux. I'm heavily pregnant. I've spent my break times counselling her when frankly I'm at a bit of a low energy threshold, she is pretty self-absorbed (I think the overanalysing of relationships has now become a general insecurity that makes everything about her). To her, I've got a great life - husband and baby and all that. Fair enough.
But she has started being a bit snide, for example, telling me about how she was so glad she met this guy before having a baby as 'why would he want me after that when I'm all ripped and shredded' , she has made comments about saggy boobs etc, and even today, when I was all but passing out in the heat, she stopped me in the corridor to say how miserable she was as she was exhausted from period pain, and how no one could understand how tired she was... She knows I'm heavily pregnant, not sleeping and working longer shifts! It could be just complete self-absorption but it felt pointed.
I kind of feel so sorry for her and her comments aren't upsetting me as I feel secure and happy, but I can feel myself withdrawing from her - I feel I've given her time, friendship and energy, and she is now resenting me and trying to make me as miserable as she is! The irony is she would probably find a nice guy if she changed her attitude to herself, but what do I do? I finish up soon for mat leave, but I don't have the energy for bullshit and at the same time don't wan to hurt someone who is clearly a bit unstable...
There's lots more but I have gone on enough! Thanks...
You have to distance yourself. I have a similar friend,she's like an emotional vampire. There really is only so much you can do to help some people. I got to the stage where I felt I was enabling my friend's behaviour just by listening and sympathising.
I'd find reasons to be unavailable at lunch times. You need energy for you and your baby, and it doesn't sound like she's capable of supporting you in return.
her comments aren't upsetting me as I feel secure and happy
Well, the more secure and happy you are the more she will try to bring you down.
She is probably v envious and v unhappy about her situation. But is not a friend to take this out on you.
That's how I feel Carly - like an enabler, to what is at times quite strange behaviour indeed (particularly towards this guy). She can get very stroppy if you question her, which I have done, but seems to just be completely oblivious to the needs/wants/lives of others (me, her other friends, this bloke).
I'm just glad you aren't all telling me resoundly I'm being a hormonal cow (would have accepted that, frankly!)
No you are not being a hormonal cow OP!
She sounds extremely hard work. And a bit toxic.
Honestly, do not waste any more of your time on her.
I had a friend who used to make snide comments. We are no longer friends.
When does your maternity leave start? Then you can use that as a tool to distance yourself - don't agree to her popping round. She must have other friends, and if she doesn't, its hard but she has to realise you don't/ won't have the time or emotional energy.
And you could be busy lunchtimes, having lunch with people you won't see when you go on maternity til you get back.
She isn't being very nice- dont put up with it, it's not ok to treat your friends badly.
Her behaviour with you is probably similar to her behaviour in other relationships i.e. men, so cut loose. You don't need this negativity and she sounds like she hasn't got the capacity to learn and will never be a friend.
You sound like a lovely friend and she sounds totally narcissistic.
I would tell her in case she hasn't noticed that you are heavily pregnant and need to focus on your health right now as you've not been feeling great. Then distance yourself as much as possible.
If she keeps drivelling on about herself then tell her clearly what an insensitive bitch she is being. Sounds to me like she is pretty 'Ripped and shredded' on the inside never mind being buff on the outside!
I don't know if I deserve that SirRaymond, but thank you - my patience has all but gone! Roshbegosh I think you're right. She isn't listening to this man and imposing her view of their relationship on him (to the extent where I think it bears little relation to reality, if I'm honest). She's doing the same with me (literally has not asked how I'm feeling or anything, which again I'm not upset or hurt by, but just find it a strange thing to do).
Sigh. I think I will quietly step back, I don't have long to go. This will inevitably make me a bad person in her eyes, but I'm getting to the 'beyond caring' stage!
It sounds like she's jealous of your situation, tbh (stable relationship, baby on the way). Making snide comments about pregnancy, she knows exactly what she's doing. Sounds like sour grapes to me.
I've been in a very similar situation, and believe me it isn't doing you any good, taking someones emotional trauma on board when you are pregnant.
I had to deal with a colleagues abortion (she got herself pregnant by her boyfriends mate, whilst her boyfriend was in hospital) I helped as much as I could, but ended up being signed off from work with raised blood pressure.
I could cope with my job, it was my colleagues troubles that were too much for me!
I don't know if she's completely self absorbed or resentful of your happiness, but this relationship isn't benefitting either one of you so I think your decision to step back is a good one.
Congratulations on your pregnancy BTW.
I don't know either Dahlen, it's worn me down a bit just in terms of energy so haven't really picked it apart, just surprised by the behaviour which is just odd, thanks for the congratulations
Oldwoman that is much worse, I really feel for you having to go through that, I can imagine the abortion issue when pregnant would have been particularly sensitive. I will count my lucky stars!
Really appreciate the advice and comments - hard to know if you are overreacting or being a hormonal cow (thanks LemonPeculiar for the reassurance!)
To have spent every break time for months listening to her neurotic ramblings would be enough to drive anyone nuts, you seriously need to distance. And don't worry about hurting her feelings, she hasn't worried about hurting yours!
The thing about chronically unhappy people is that it is not enough to be miserable, they have to drag everyone else into their nightmare. Avoid avoid
Some people are a one way street when it comes to this sort of thing. I would mentally check out and keep it light if you don't trust yourself to have a full blown confrontation (I don't think I would have done, when heavily pregnant!).
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