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Crisis of confidence, group dynamics, maybe a LP..wibble

(5 Posts)
Isiolo Wed 01-May-13 14:19:28

It is tenuously a 'Relationship' issue, as I think it is down to my 10 year marriage to an alcoholic and seperation a year ago, leaving me a LP to 2 children.....

I have started a course, which is re-training for a new career. It started in January. We are a small group. We are eclectic and all get on OK, although I dont think we would be friends if not for the course IYSWIM. I am the oldest, and the fattest! There is 1 other lady at the same life-stage as me, i like her a lot and feel comfortable with her and we have met up with our families outside of the course

Im outwardly fairly confident i think. But alot of days I feel really shit. I can feel SOOO self conscious, not really about the age thing, but being out of shape, being a LP...maybe a bit about age, in that I feel a bit of a failure to be re-training at my age (40)

The others are younger and vibrate. And in relationships!! I don't want to be in a relationship...I just feel its another thing I have failed at. Im knackered most of the time, and dont get upto much besides facilitating my childrens lives. I have good friends, who I see regularly and have a nice time....but its not wild, and it usually involves the children

1 person in particularly is quite an all round over acheiver it seems..but lovely. So why do I feel so rubbish?? I dont want to do what they are doing! I love my kids, and my life kind of....GAH!!! I dont make sense do I?? I feel like they are judging me. I think they think I am incapable. Not all of them, probably 3 in particular. Im normally very perceptive, which makes me think they probably are! BUt also, normally I dont give a rats arse what people think of me...so why do I care??

ANd how do I deal with it?

Oh god...sorry, needed to off-load
thanks for reading
does anyone, have any clue what I am talking about?!

Littlefiendsusan Wed 01-May-13 14:35:32

You sound as though you are a positive person,proactive too.
It's normal to wobble in a new situation,learning new things and meeting new people. We evaluate who we are in a more intense Way.
It could be possible that the people who make you feel incapable are actually feeling incapable when compared with you.

I'm with you in being perceptive- sometimes that in its Self can be a Bit disabling.
Good luck op.

anicenewname Wed 01-May-13 14:44:52

Is this maybe about belonging? Everyone needs to feel they belong, and if you are spending time in a group where you feel like the odd one out it will cause you self doubt. Losing your marriage (even if you had to because he was an alcoholic) is devastating too, and you must have lost the sense of belonging you felt when you were in the marriage.
Retraining at 40 is a fabulous thing to do btw!
It takes time to find new groups to fit in with, sounds like you are doing well to have made one good friend so far on the course. Maybe try to keep the course situation in perspective - you are there for a reason, to retrain, not to be judged or to fit in.
Know the feeling by the way, when I get it I ring someone I love (sister or friend) for a catch up. Works every time xx

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 01-May-13 14:49:28

Agree with the above. Nothing is more depressing than being 40-something and being thrown in with a bunch of 20-somethings. It's like when your younger relatives post on Facebook and they all appear to be having so much more FUN with much slimmer HIPS and they don't view SEX as a convenient excuse for a lie down.... smile I'm 48 & have to deal with a lot of perky young things all called 'Sophie' and 'Emma' as part of my job and I sit there feeling like chubby old, wrinkly old Granny Cog all the time. What's worse is that I used to do their job when I was their age so it's like seeing my life pass before my eyes. <sobs>

Don't know what to suggest except to make a big effort to hang out with people your own age and condition.... or better still, people older and fatter. smile

Isiolo Wed 01-May-13 22:05:52

Thank you for the replies

littlefiendsusan thank you, yes I am a positive and proactive person. This feeling has floored me a bit.

anicenewname and cogito I think you are right actually. I have kind of walled off my feelings about my marriage; but I was/am pretty devestated and havent made my peace with it really. I always feel awkward refering to my XH, I dont know what to call him! We arent divorced, so technically he is still my husband. And as much as I know it has to be over, i still find it heart breaking and cant really accept it (although it was my decision)

Also, you have reminded me...a week or so ago I remember thinking that I feel so alone. Not really lonely, my life is busy and full, and I have enough friends and not enough time etc etc But I feel alone, in that I have to make all the big (and little) decisions for me, the kids, the house, our life..no one to consult with that is really invested. I am not the most important person in the world, to anyone. I do feel a bit without an anchor. I feel a bit like Im not me sometimes..like this is someone elses life

Yeah cog 'perky young things'!!! All the enthusiasm for life, and high expectations, and ideologies and excitement and anticipation...maybe that is what I am jealous of/makes me uncomfortable...mine has been squeezed out of me. Maybe its just being older, I dont know sad

One of the youngsters is someone else that I feel happy/comfortable with. We have more background in common, than I do with most of the others i think. I like her a lot, but she probably thinks Im an old fart.

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