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DH said, DH left, waves is still being sick but into the third timester

(995 Posts)
wavesandsmiles Wed 01-May-13 11:50:43

I haven't been around here for a while, as I was worried that twunt was reading MN to find out what my thoughts/plans were. He may very well still be doing that, but he's gone now, and my new mission is to reach out for as much support as possible (trying to see it as a sign of strength to ask for help rather than a sign of failure), so here I am.

Back in January DH (hitherto referred to as twunt), told me I had to fix the marriage etc, then within days I found out he'd been texting OW to say our marriage was over, researching late abortions etc. This was when I was 14 weeks pregnant. I'm now 27 weeks pregnant, and still have hyperemesis, necessitating almost daily visits to hospital for IV meds and fluids. Twunt left just over a month ago, and I now have lodgers in, which is helping with the mortgage.

I'm trying to be strong for my DCs, but at times it all gets rather overwhelming....especially as it is not really that long to go until my little acrobat makes an appearance. Before then I am on a twunt detox, and am trying to have no contact with him whatsoever. My DCs are being very good (most of the time), despite having to cope with their step dad (who planned to adopt them) just disappearing, and me being so ill all the time. But it is obviously challenging for them.

Terrified of the summer when acrobat arrives and the inevitably of facing up to a form of contact with the utter shite who left me in this predicament - our baby was wanted, and planned for. Lots of other practicalities to consider too, and considering investing in a diary so that I can put things onto paper rather than leave things spinning around in my head....

Anyway, I'm back, and hoping that there will be some virtual hands to hold as I continue to battle the hyperemesis, hormones and general challenges of the final trimester, and the impact of the not so "D" H's departure.

wavesandsmiles Sun 05-May-13 16:57:07

He doesn't value my feelings at all does he sad

There was "real" contact when he came for his bits and bobs a week last Friday, and then he texted me on Monday about money he owed me that he'd transferred. I ignored that one. So, yes, he is timing these interruptions very well.

I still haven't replied. So, I will focus on getting the DCs their tea, then think about trying to motivate myself to get changed for this evening.

themidwife Sun 05-May-13 17:06:53

Don't reply lovely - it'll open the floodgates! He'll then start telling you why he HAD to leave you blah blah!!

JaxTellerIsAllMine Sun 05-May-13 18:48:06

go out with friends, enjoy the evening and dont reply to his text! Utter, utter fuckwit that he is.

AndMiffyWentToSleep Sun 05-May-13 19:10:06

Enjoy your evening!
I agree with not replying. You won't succeed in making him feel guilty or realise how badly he's behaved.
(By the way, I remember hearing that hippos also breastfeed in water i.e. baby is underwater whilst feeding. Don't think you should try that one yourself though!)

wordyBird Sun 05-May-13 19:40:50

The time interval is interesting, isn't it.

Perhaps he has to get a fix of controlling and manipulating you every few days, waves - or rather, trying to. An even better reason to make no response.

Hope you feel well enough to go out this evening, waves. Have fun!

TeresaGreene Sun 05-May-13 21:24:52

Hi Waves I have followed your threads since the beginning but I am finally delurking to say that I am so so angry on your behalf that he sent you that text. He really is messing with your head. How dare he pretend to care about you and the little acrobat when he has left you not only pregnant, which is about as low as you can get, but also terribly poorly, and with financial worries. I honestly can't believe the cheek of the man. You are a real inspiration and you should be so proud of how you and your lovely children are doing in such difficult circumstances. Please accept these flowers because you deserve them smile.

MissBlennerhassett Sun 05-May-13 22:26:40

Agree with Teresa. Makes me so mad! Manipulative git. I really hope you had fun this evening and am also very glad you have some good RL friends. Stay strong lovely smile

AgathaF Mon 06-May-13 08:16:43

A agree with everyone else, don't contact him. In fact delete his text so that you can't keep re-reading it, then file it away in your mind in the compartment for 'unimportant shit' and shut the drawer.

Hope you got out last night and enjoyed yourself. You're doing well on the detox. I hope he doesn't ramp it up now you have ignored him. That would be just his mind-fuckery style. Be aware he might, and on your guard in case he turns up at your place.

mistlethrush Mon 06-May-13 09:02:33

Please don't worry about feeling 'a bit rude' by not replying. After what he has done to you you would be justified in being very rude - but I know you're too nice for that.

He's contacting you for one of two reasons - either he needs his 'fix' of control, or he thinks that its about time to reestablish his control over you.

I hope you got to the music last night and enjoyed yourself

wavesandsmiles Mon 06-May-13 14:59:28

Well, I did go out for a couple of hours last night, was quite exhausting, but at least I have got over the hurdle of confronting the real world, as opposed to only being at hospital or home.

I did contact him in the end, but I phoned rather than texting. He is now clear that I do not want him contacting me, and understands that should their be any major developments I will make contact with him. He was not "nasty" so much, just wittered on about how he loves me, but isn't in love with me, and therefore we have no future. That I am not the person he thought I was when we got married, and that he is obviously not the person I thought he was (he is right on that count at least).

At hospital today I had a chat with one of the midwives who thinks it is very important that I get a plan of action for when the baby arrives, and I don't suddenly find myself with no practical support. So I will speak to the people who are coming into help at the moment and see what can be done. I also need to make arrangements for the DCs for when I go into labour, and potentially the pets, although I am sure that the lodgers will help.

Last thing I will do is ask twunt or DM (henceforth to be known as the witch). DM is back on form, having let her have the DCs round this morning and for lunch, she then threw a strop when I said I had plans to spend time with them this afternoon. She told both of them they wouldn't be getting a treat because I am punishing her confused What a wicked, utterly toxic thing to do to young children. It's just about me spending time with my children for goodness sake. So all ties being cut there for a while again sad

Thumbwitch Mon 06-May-13 15:10:07

Ah no, please don't refer to your ma as "the witch" - it gets me all edgy! wink - can we call her TB (toxic bitch) instead? Please?

Glad you are talking to the right people and I hope that Twunt has taken on board what you've said to him. Please remember that any noise he makes about "loving" you is utterly negated by his foul behaviour. Words are easy - it's the actions that count. And the only thing that's "changed" about you is that you aren't prepared to take any of his bullshit any more - which can only be a good thing! smile

Have some thanks and virtual wine - you probably need it after dealing with that precious pair today.

wavesandsmiles Mon 06-May-13 19:23:49

TB is ok with me.

I've had an up and down day. I made a picnic tea and took the DCs to the beach where they had their first swim in the sea of the year which was lovely. But when we got back, the past hour really, it's been hideous drama. DD locked herself in the bathroom and I was calling and calling and eventually my lodger had to break the door down. She wasn't dead or injured, just soaking in the bath oblivious. So I have had to screw all that back on, so it's kind of fixed. Then DS went nuts after his bath, yelling, punched his sister, and when I asked him to go to his room he refused. I tried to get him up and hurt my arm with the picc line in, and when I finally got to his room I fainted again. He is still so stroppy. I want to go to bed so I think it needs to be an early night all round.

This is when it all feels too much. I physically cannot cope with the bad behaviour, and stuff like having to refix doorframes! It also feels a bit like having to walk on egg shells all the time with having lodgers in. If the children raise their voices I panic that the lodgers will decide it is a horrid noisy house and move out.

And then I want twunt back. To take some of the pressure off. It's all too much just now.

AgathaF Mon 06-May-13 20:04:56

Waves - would he really have helped though, or would he have made the situation worse, and judged your parenting into the bargain? At least you could deal with the situation as you saw fit.

Glad you had a nice time at the beach.

Tomorrow's another day smile.

themidwife Mon 06-May-13 20:11:55

I agree - he wouldn't have helped. He would have complained about your DCs & encouraged his to behave badly to make matters worse & be rude to you too.

oldwomaninashoe Tue 07-May-13 16:21:48

How are you doing today Waves?

JaxTellerIsAllMine Tue 07-May-13 23:22:44

you ok waves? weather still nice here, so hoping its still nice where you are too.

Listmaker Wed 08-May-13 13:45:30

How are you doing Waves?

wavesandsmiles Wed 08-May-13 21:00:16

It's been a hard few days. Damned twunt breaking the detox and confusing my emotions all over again.

Today I had the horrible GTT and also my 28 week antenatal check. Weight has dipped again, so once again I am below my pre-pregnancy weight which is rather disheartening. As of course is the ongoing vomiting!

It has also made me realise that I am on the home straight to acrobat's arrival, and I am really worried about how I will cope with a newborn by myself, given I have 2 other DCs, a house to run, a menagerie of pets, and lodgers.

TB is going to receive an email later on this evening, setting out why she is no longer allowed to take the DCs away for 10 days in the summer, and why contact with them is off the cards until she is able to control her behaviour; in particular the way she speaks about me to them. It's the right thing to do, but yet another thing to deal with at what is a horrible time.

I'm actually feeling a bit frightened about how I will cope the next couple of months with the ongoing pregnancy issues, and how I will cope when acrobat is here. I am planning to start setting up a support network, and my task for the evening, after email to TB, is to write up a list of household "chores" and work out how my DCs can help, and where I may need helpers over the next few months.

And berate me, and tell me I am stupid, I got all emotional on Monday and sent twunt a text saying I missed him and was prepared to work at things if he was, so we could get back to being the family I thought we were going to be. He didn't even reply sad Which I suppose is all the answer I need.....Still beating myself up for losing will power, and breaking like that

themidwife Wed 08-May-13 21:21:54

Ah sweetie of course you will wobble. You're being really strong regarding your TM which is the first step to also becoming strong re twunt.

I bet the GTT was gruelling for you & am amazed you kept the lucozade down - 12 weeks to go - I'm sure you'll feel much stronger emotionally when you feel better physically thanks

LiveItUp Wed 08-May-13 21:45:39

Don't worry. Things will work out. You have an increasing number of people around you who want to help, and you will be fine. One day at a time. Having Twunt back is not the answer though (even if he did want it, which he doesn't - don't forget those early texts to his new OW). On the face of it, it may spread the chores that you are fearful of coping with on your own, but is not the answer for all the reasons you know.

Well done on your approach to TM. Completely the right thing to do. She will do all she can to diminish you in their eyes, and that is unlikely to change. Ever. Expect her to go a little ballistic in the meantime though - she has been using those lovely DCs as a weapon against you. sad She has shown you once again that she can not be trusted with your DCs.

Not long now. Once the sickness has stopped you will feel so much stronger and able to cope with it all. Be kind to yourself. flowers

wavesandsmiles Wed 08-May-13 22:04:11

I've emailed her. Pressed send, and it is done:

Dear mum

Given the events of the past few weeks and months, I have had to reconsider your offer to take DS and DD to [xxx] in August this year.

Sadly, until you can manage your behaviour towards me, particularly in front of the children, manage the way you speak to them about me, and the dialogues you have with them, I do not think that it is healthy for them to be around you.

I truly hope that you can take some time to reflect on your attitude to me, the boundaries that I feel you continually cross, and the damaging effect that this is having not just on my children's relationship with me, but will potentially have on relationships throughout their lives.

I am not prepared to enter into any form of argument about this, and would just ask that you make contact again when you feel ready to reconsider your role as my mother, Ds and DD's grandmother, and able to give me some assurances that your behaviour will be more suitable in future.


And midwife the GTT was horrific - had IV anti emetics before the horrid syrypy oily solution, but was laid out trying not to vomit. And it took me 13 minutes to drink instead of the required 3.

I don't think I will ever hear from my mum again. She has form for holding long term grudges - didn't speak to her own DM for around 30 years. And petty disputes escalate into decade long wars with her. On her part anyway. But I can't have her ruining my relationship with my DCs, or poisoning them as she seems to be. I only want them to know loving relationships. She is very very toxic, as I am coming to realise.

AndMiffyWentToSleep Wed 08-May-13 22:13:38

Wow, Waves, I'm really impressed with that email! Good for you!
And don't worry about the wobble, it's only natural.

TiredFeet Wed 08-May-13 22:18:06

waves I saw this in active, well done for somehow surviving the GTT. you really are on the homestraight now, and if you can survive hyperemesis then a new born will feel like a breeze in comparison. I am keeping all my fingers crossed you get a lovely placid baby too smile

your mother sounds dreadful. that is the last thing you need right now

themidwife Wed 08-May-13 22:19:14

WELL DONE YOU! Sorry for shouting! grin

pointythings Wed 08-May-13 22:25:30

Waves hard as laying down the law with your toxic mum has been, I think you have done yourself and your DCs a huge favour. Let her keep silence for thirty sodding years - that's 30 years' peace for you. You deserve that, don't you?

She has no automatic right to see her grandchildren. Grandchildren deserve loving, caring grandparents who do not use them as blunt instruments to beat their own children with.

Once acrobat is here, (worst case scenario) you will stop feeling sick. I think once you no longer have the crippling sickness, the world will be a different and more hopeful place for you. I am in awe of you - I was 'only' sick for the first 20 weeks (though it was 24/7) and I thought I couldn't handle that. And here you are at 28 weeks, having got rid of a toxic H (albeit with the odd wobble), a toxic mother, sorted out your house and got lodgers in - you are amazing.

Don't worry about your DCs' bad behaviour. They have probably been walking on eggshells with twunt around, and are now showing that they trust you by being themselves, i.e. imperfect and sometimes requiring duct taping to the back of doors. It's proof you're doing everything right - mine are always lovely at school (to the point where I am not sure their teachers are talking about the same children) and leave all their potential awfulness for at home.

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