Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Husband left me after 30 years

(185 Posts)
sadkaren2 Wed 01-May-13 11:34:41

I don’t know what to do. Please help.

My husband has just left me. We have been together for over 30 years, married for 7.

He has been working in Edinburgh for 2 years (flies back every Friday) as he is a consultant. We live in Essex.

He rang me and told me he had met someone else, and was not coming home again. She is 35, has 2 kids, and he has been seeing her for a year.

He said he didn’t want to talk to me anymore at all – all communication must be via email.

He also said he hasn’t loved me for years – not even when we got married – he just “went along with it”. He says he loves me like a sister. He never sais anything was wrong. But he would ring me 3 times a day and tell me that he loved me. I had noticed he had been a bit distant, but thought that was due to tiredness. He was due to be coming home permanently at the end of May.

I have since found he has spent a fortune on his girlfriend, including paying a £9,500 tax bill for her, and over £1,000 on Valentines night.

I don’t work, and haven’t done for a number of years. We were having IVF, when I was discovered to have cancer. My last op was 18 months ago, and I am recovering well. Before that, I was the major earner in the relationship.

He is 49, and I am 48.

He has also taken for £100,000 worth of shared goods from the house, tho he says he will return them if “the settlement says so”. He left most of his personal stuff. He won’t discuss money or almost anything, and just seems to want to live a life in Scotland and forget about me.

I don’t know what to do, I am so lost. He was my best friend, and I am still so in love with him. I just miss him so much. I just spend all day crying. I just want to stop the pain.


mrsmciver Fri 03-May-13 17:49:58

Karen i can totally sympathise with you. I have been married for 27 years and known my husband since I was 15 years old. I trusted him implicitly. I found some e- mails in his phone 3 weeks ago and it all came out that he liked this ow. He swears nothing physical happened. He spent all weekend crying about how he was going to make it better and how he was so sorry that he had hurt me. went on a business trip on the Mon. Phones me that night and says it is over. He said he must have been very unhappy for him to do that in the first place as it was totally out of character.
I was devastated, begged him to come back,but he won't. I feel like my life is over. I don't know anything different. Like you I tried to kill myself. But my eldest daughter,who is pregnant refused to sign the forms to get me committed. i was assessed by doctors and they said it was the shock,grief and trauma. My youngest daughter is also about to sit her Higher exams. My poor children, what I have put them through.
I have to stay strong for them but the grief is unbearable. I do have a good support network but due to illness I cannot work and every day since I feel I have no purpose to my life.
I felt I could not see that and run Karen. over the miles I am thinking of you too. We really should get mad and then get even!

mrsmciver Fri 03-May-13 18:07:37

Also 4 days after telling me it was over, he was wanting to settle financial affairs. I could not do it, was too much of a mess. Since then I have held him at arms length, it is my way of coping. i can't see him or talk to him, it hurts too much. I have told him if he wants to say anything then write it down and I will look it over.
But dear god it is so difficult when your heart is breaking and the pain takes your breath away.
I have seen a solicitor but really everything is split 50/50. that is no good to me as I would be left with no monthly income. I am really going to have to fight him for that. I am so scared and worried. According to the benefit system I would be entitled to £750 a month. He has a very good job, but he will want all the savings so he can buy a house outright.
He will, I think,leave me the house, but I couldn't maintain it on that kind of money as it needs a lot done to it even at this present time. It is only a little old house so anything newer and even smaller to buy will cost more. So so worried, cannot see a future.

worsestershiresauce Fri 03-May-13 18:17:16

Mrsmiver, I'm no legal expert and I guess you are in scotland so the law may be different, but surely you are entitled to half the assets, so he can't just fob you off with the house. If need be you can sell it, take half the proceeds and half the savings and buy something smaller. Plus the courts should assess some kind of spouse maintenance. Make sure your lawyer is a good one and you claim all you are entitled to.

mrsmciver Fri 03-May-13 18:35:25

Thank you worsester. I saw a legal aid lawyer, but she did not give me a lot of confidence. Spouse maintenance is only maintainable for 2 years at the most, and only if he agrees in the first place. It is not compulsory. You are right it is scottish law. Also could not buy anything smaller, it is a tiny house in the first place, and need bedrooms for children and coming grandchild.
Feel between a rock and a hard place. He knows my situation, but he is focusing on himself now and saying he has got to be selfish and true to himself. Did I know this man at all?

sarine1 Fri 03-May-13 19:13:36

Good grief - you are all on this most difficult of journeys away from these awful men! I have lurked on here for months but OP (and the rest of you), I am so moved by your stories and the courage that you're showing in the face of such despicable behaviour!
There's such a lot of wise support on here - I hope it's a help? There is a life for women without partners - not what we expected but it can be brilliant.

3mum Fri 03-May-13 19:24:03

sadkaren I have been where you are. My partner of thirty years (married twenty-two) told me that he was properly in love for the first time with a colleague and he did not feel about me as anything except a friend. Fast forward six months, the great love has not lasted and he is with someone even more screwed up than the first one.

But even six months makes a huge difference to how you feel. I adored him and had been with him the whole of my adult life. Initially I was devastated. I can look at him now and think "what a sad twat". Frightened of growing old, attention seeking and putting himself before everything including our children.

Sometimes I miss him a lot, but what I miss is the man I thought he was, not who he actually is. Generally, I am calm, happy and starting to discover who I am (which is very different from who he told me I was).

Hang on in there. It is truly crap now, but I promise it is not always that way and even a few months will make a huge difference to how you feel. And I can absolutely promise you that no man is worth killing yourself over. Be kind to yourself, tell all your friends to invite you out as much as possible and go to everything. Keep as busy as possible, volunteer with a charity too if you have the time and in a shorter time than you thought possible, you will find the pain is ebbing and you have a tight bunch of friends who will ALWAYS be there for you AND a whole new appreciation for yourself as a valuable person in your own right with decent moral standards.

mrsmciver Fri 03-May-13 19:43:15

Oh I hope that is the case 3mum. Don't mean to hijack this thread, but I can understand where sadkaren is right now, and it is not a good place. I am so devastated, doctor I saw said it was worse than bereavement as there is no "ending". I knew there was something the matter with him as he had been "off" and very distant for a few weeks before and treated me badly, calling me names, being snappy, putting me down.

But I miss him still so much. I have never gone this long not talking to him and it is killing me. I want to hold him, smell him, make love to him. Even after what he has done.

My trust in him though is gone. And he knows that. Maybe that is why he is not coming back. He said I would make his life hell because I would constantly want to check his phone and laptop. And everytime he went away on business I would be a mess. But he did not want to even try and that is so hurtful, not even counselling. After all these years. He said he doesn't have the energy and needs to heal.

SoleSource Fri 03-May-13 19:48:03

mrsmelver it's really cruel, keep posting x

cjel Fri 03-May-13 19:54:59

Mrs. and Karen. Iam 18 months down the line (35yrs together since 15) Today is a sad day as its his birthday. I still miss him. but although today is a 'bad' day I have gardened in MY little garden, been for lunch, met a friend later for coffee and now am going to see another friend. I have laughed, been at peace and loved myself when I am on a down day. I think you will be suprised at how much you get because future earnings is taken into account and I hear quite a lot that what they 'offer'at the start is a rubbish amount so I'd advise both of you to get a really good family lawyer and start to move towards a life full of people who do love and want youxxx

mrsmciver Fri 03-May-13 20:37:45

Cjel, thank you for some hope. Things seem so bleak right now. I am terrified of the future, all the plans to travel we had made when he retired. We were even going to be buried together. I am only in my forties but just can't imagine the future without him.

But the contentment in your post has given me a little hope. am so pleased you have come through the worst and are now living a life you are happy to live. x

cjel Fri 03-May-13 23:34:17

Mrs. Yes I am content thats a good word for it. I've just spent a lovely evening having coffee and chatting with a friend and while i was there 2 more people popped in that I have never met before. Wouldn't have happened if I was still married.I would have stayed in while he went out with the lads on Friday nights. I'm glad I can give you hope. As I say I still have regret for the future I thought we had planned as well but only in the same way that I regret I am not 20, size eight and rich!!smile

Grinkly Fri 03-May-13 23:54:28

MrsM you must be entitled to a part of his 27 years of contribution to a pension. So at least in the future this might help you, I would def make sure I held out for that rather than take a pay off now.

skyebluesapphire Sat 04-May-13 00:52:08

mrsmciver I totally get where you are coming from and I am 12 months on now. I am a hell of a lot better than I was, but at the same time, it is very difficult to move on. It is grief, the man that I knew died the day that he walked out and has been replaced with a man that I no longer recognise. I want back the man that he was before, but I don't want back the man he is now. But that doesn't stop you from wanting that hug, or wanting to talk to them.

I keep XH at arms length too as it is the only way that I can deal with my feelings for him, which vary between love, hatred, pity and disgust.

Any man that can just walk out on a partner with no real discussion or warning is a total and utter coward.

karen hope you are doing OK.

sadkaren2 Sat 04-May-13 12:36:29

Thanks everyone for the support.

Yesterday was a “bed” day – I just couldn’t do anything.

I miss him so much. I want to hug him, and talk to him.
I still keep making notes in my head “oh, I must remember to tell him that”.
I can’t believe that I will never see the man I love again.

I have made an appointment with my GP next week.

I am also shocked and saddened by how many other people are & have been suffering too, at the hands of unfaithful husbands.


cjel Sat 04-May-13 13:00:31

hope today is a better one. that longing for hug is miserable isnt it. are you able to do something today? get some sun on your face or something to tire yourself out? sending you <<Hugs>>

captainmummy Sun 05-May-13 08:20:37

MrsMc and cjel and sadkaren- really, I am gobsmacked by these men. They are not the men you thought they were. They are not worth your love, the way they have treaated you.
They checked out of the marriage a long time ago - before you had any inkling. And once they do that, they are, in their heads, free to move on. You have had it hit you like a train, but you will get there. Take care of yourselves, and protect yourselves against them.

I really must emphasise though that you get your full financial entitlement. Not sure about scotland but Spousal Maintenanice is not jsut for 2 years - when I split from exh I got a percentage of his salary as spousal maintenance - until he retires, then a further percent for child maintenance, 50% of the value of the marital home, and 50% pf his pension. He was in a good job, and can afford it, TG, and I have my own little house and the kids now. Get a good solicitor.

akaWisey Sun 05-May-13 10:37:24

These early days are an adjustment to the new reality. Your mind hasn't yet taken in what is happening but it will and, mercifully, only as you are able to deal with it. The poverty of words in your posts say to me that you are barely able to take all this in. But you will, bit by bit.

It sort of feels like being in a an immense storm IME. That's why in those moments you describe where you want to do what you'd have habitually done in times of crisis it's good to call on other people who can get alongside you until it passes and you can get on with the practical stuff.

I am really, really sorry this has happened.

skyebluesapphire Sun 05-May-13 12:36:51

I remember shaking for days. I wasn't eating, I was crying all the time and just had uncontrollable fits of shaking, my entire body. It was awful. I existed for weeks on a banana and half a sandwich a day, with gallons of water and a multi vitamin. I lost three stone in a matter of weeks.

It is like being hit by a truck because it is so out of the blue. One minute you are sat discussing an appointment, one that has been arranged for 6 weeks, but your H now no longer wants to go to because he wants to go to football with his friends (OW), then the next minute your H announces that he is unhappy and just doesn't feel the same any more and wants to leave. This is just after you have sent out your 40th birthday party invitations, and arranged your DD's 4th birthday party and upgraded your family holiday accommodation as a surprise for him. (all sad but true...)

You think that life is normal, you have no idea of the bombshell that is about to hit, and you have no idea at all , how long they have been planning this, so to them it is all sorted and they don't expect to have to deal with your grief or pain. You are just an annoyance to them.

It WILL get better. I still have dark days, but on the whole I know that I am getting there. I won't kid you, there will be some difficult days to get through , but stay strong, get help and support from family and friends. Keep posting on here and you will get great support. Most of all, don't let this man fuck with you any more. Get legal advice and make sure that you get everything that you are entitled to.

sadkaren2 Sun 05-May-13 17:42:40

I just looked on the OWs facebook page, and her status has been updated to "in a domestic relationship".

I hate her. I just want to die.

skyebluesapphire Sun 05-May-13 17:53:26

((hugs)) for you. dont look at facebok, please dont. I was told the same and ignored it, so am telling you because I know! I felt like it was keeping me updated with what was going on, but in reality, it just upset me to see XH moving on with his life without me.

Block OW so that you cannot see her page.

You can and will get through this. I promise you. I felt like I wanted to die. The only thing that kept me going was DD and Mumsnet and my mum and my friends.

Talk to us, we are here

cjel Sun 05-May-13 22:08:00

So right about money Captain. I got loads more than he said I was 'entitled to'
Karen. Please don'tgive her one minute of your life.She should be nothing to you. She has had enough already, concentrate on looking after Karen.

springykitsch Sun 05-May-13 22:19:17

Darling, no man is worth losing your life over. It doesn't seem like it now, when you are in the acute stage of shock and unbearable pain, but please hold out and try to get through the days one (hour) at a time. It will get better. As skye says, it won't be an easy road but you will get through this. Try to hold out with the hope of that, even if you can't imagine it now.

I agree to not look at FB and to block her profile. It seems irresistible but, please, block her. As long as you keep hearing about her/them, it holds you in the pain. YOu need to get some distance in order to begin to begin to heal.

No expletives can sum up the despicable thing he has done. I'm so sorry. Bear in mind: if he did it to you he can do it to her. I hope it isn't too long before your anger begins to shift to the true villain in this; though, yes, it is very hard to be betrayed by another woman who has selfishly followed her own agenda. Believe me, you reap what you sow and she will (as will he). xx

FarBetterNow Sun 05-May-13 22:26:56

Please read this thread:

'Has anyone been left by their (Ex)H, to bring up their DCs alone, and actually years later realised they are glad that he went?'

It will do you good.

Best wishes to you all.

mrsmciver Mon 06-May-13 11:00:56

Skyblue, yes I was shaking like that for a fortnight. I couldn't even feed myself my hands were shaking that much, and I developed a stutter. I am better now with that but the heartbreak is still so awful. And when I talk about him when he wants to discuss financial matters the stutter comes back!

He was over doing the gardening yesterday so I made sure I never saw him, we went out for the day visiting, and I was dreading coming back because I knew there would be a list of financial stuff for me to look over. I was right. He was asking me to look into what benefits I am entitled to, to cancel a standing order from his current a/c into a small savings a/c of my own, telling me he had paid the council tax but that will also need to be looked at so we can move on.(He means for it to be put in my name). And also for a tv he can use at his mums. Some big stuff, some small. The stutter returned. Am I being a stupid wuse here because I cannot face up to this now? He also is going on the holiday we booked together on his own.

I texted him saying to give me space as it will take a while for me to get my head round this. But the texts just started to get into an arguement and he sounded so sad and unhappy in them. Saying to me he could't come back because of the constant negativity and that I would never get over it and always bring it up and he was so tired and unhappy. I felt so griefstricken at that, it made me sound like such a bad person to live with.

But it is only 3 weeks, am i being unreasonable to make him wait longer until I am in a fit state to look at financial affairs? I don't know what I am doing anymore, life is unbearable. Can't think straight at all. I don't know if he is transferring his anger onto me, blaming me for what happened, he says not. He is also being really short and nasty with our youngest daughter when he sees her. She says she doesn't want to see him for a while as she is getting too stressed.

captainmummy Mon 06-May-13 18:23:07

MrsMc - he is so much further down the road to a split than you are, he can talk about finances and TVs and stuff. You and your dc arein a state of shock - and of course you should wait until your head is in a better state than now. Hw should give you space -and he should not be in your house or garden. Don't get into a text-war with him -in fact don't text unless it is to do with the finances or the house.
Who cares if he is sad and unhappy? That' is not your problem any more.
And keep him away from the dc if he is upsetting them. He is a grown man, and responsible for his own happiness. They are kids and need protection . YOU need protection from him - hence the stutter. It'll go once you are sorted and he is out of the forefront of your life.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now