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Husband left me after 30 years

(185 Posts)
sadkaren2 Wed 01-May-13 11:34:41

I don’t know what to do. Please help.

My husband has just left me. We have been together for over 30 years, married for 7.

He has been working in Edinburgh for 2 years (flies back every Friday) as he is a consultant. We live in Essex.

He rang me and told me he had met someone else, and was not coming home again. She is 35, has 2 kids, and he has been seeing her for a year.

He said he didn’t want to talk to me anymore at all – all communication must be via email.

He also said he hasn’t loved me for years – not even when we got married – he just “went along with it”. He says he loves me like a sister. He never sais anything was wrong. But he would ring me 3 times a day and tell me that he loved me. I had noticed he had been a bit distant, but thought that was due to tiredness. He was due to be coming home permanently at the end of May.

I have since found he has spent a fortune on his girlfriend, including paying a £9,500 tax bill for her, and over £1,000 on Valentines night.

I don’t work, and haven’t done for a number of years. We were having IVF, when I was discovered to have cancer. My last op was 18 months ago, and I am recovering well. Before that, I was the major earner in the relationship.

He is 49, and I am 48.

He has also taken for £100,000 worth of shared goods from the house, tho he says he will return them if “the settlement says so”. He left most of his personal stuff. He won’t discuss money or almost anything, and just seems to want to live a life in Scotland and forget about me.

I don’t know what to do, I am so lost. He was my best friend, and I am still so in love with him. I just miss him so much. I just spend all day crying. I just want to stop the pain.


AgathaF Thu 02-May-13 20:08:38

They won't be thinking about you Karen. They are wrapped up in their own selfish selves. That's why you need to protect yourself as much as possible, financial with good legal advice and representation, and emotionally too. Try not to torture yourself wondering about what he has said, what she knows, what she's like. It won't change anything.

Have you got support around you - family, friends?

fengirl1 Thu 02-May-13 20:14:03

'Get angry' - this. You don't deserve this, you didn't want this. Don't chase him. If he doesn't want you, why would you want him? That sounds harsh I know, but you deserve better. Get a decent solicitor, get on with the divorce and watch him squirm for a while, them move on with your life and do things that please YOU.

MadBusLady Thu 02-May-13 20:16:01

Yup, I think he has probably told her every lie under the sun.

But that doesn't really matter, does it. They've convinced themselves that it makes sense to do something horrible to you. They're not going to wake up tomorrow, or any day, and realize "Oh, we've been a complete pair of bastards, we'd better undo all our decisions." They are committed to this course, they'll keep persuading themselves that they are right, and they will definitely seize on any evidence at all that you're a "crazy ex".

You can't put this back to how it was by talking to him, or make the scales fall from her eyes by talking to her. The best thing you can do for your own health is to stay away from them and start firing off solicitors' letters.

akaWisey Thu 02-May-13 20:53:26

I agree with the other's Karen. Please don't try and talk to him except through solicitors. He's planned this and you should deal with him via the legal process for your own sanity, because you aren't dealing with the man you thought you knew. The sooner he realises you aren't a woman who will just lay down and act like a doormat the better.

I can recommend the Abandoned Wife book as soon as you feel ready to read it. In the meantime MN will help. It helped me deal with almost exactly the same scenario. And I'm not only still here, I'm thriving and I'd be glad to be among those who want to support you even as we might not say what you want to hear. RL friends and family are so important too and you should be talking about this. I hope you have these aplenty because they are invaluable too.

Karen, please believe me this is a process which you will come through.

TrickyTreeLou Thu 02-May-13 21:11:22

Karen, agree that silence is the best way forward.

I was told this countless times on MN last year, and when I finally adopted that approach it helped me regain some power over things again. It stopped him messing with my head.

Men like this hate it when they don't know what you're thinking or what you're planning - really hate it. It is all about control with them, and you need to take some of that away from him.

I also know how tempting it is to want to contact the OW. But do not give them the satisfaction of showing them how angry or upset you are. They are not worth it.

skyebluesapphire Thu 02-May-13 21:21:42

yes, keep the moral high ground and do not contact her. As said above, you are no longer dealing with a person that you know. My Xh changed everything when he left me, appearance, clothing, lifestyle, personality..... You can not relate to him in the way you used to as he is no longer that man....

It takes a very "special" sort of bastard to just walk out with no prior warning. This is because they cannot stand the fallout, they are cowards who will walk away rather than deal with anything.

My ex has left me with huge issues due to the way he walked out so suddenly and all the things he said were reasons why he had to go. I won't let him destroy me, but it is not easy!

You need to stay strong, and look after yourself and get yourself the best legal advice that you can, so that you know what you are dealing with. File for divorce on the grounds of adultery and ask for him to pay your costs. He has admitted it.

BananaSoup Thu 02-May-13 21:38:04

Sorry to hear about your suicide attempt - but pleased it was unsuccessful smile

The way a relationship finishes is so important, and he has chosen to take the coward's way out. He could have told you ages ago that he wanted to move on, and kept in amicable, but he is too spineless.

You sound strong though, and things can only get better. Take care.

MoreLegsThanMe Thu 02-May-13 21:45:13

Keep talking to us Karen.

I was a prolific poster under a different name on this board in 2008 when my H left after twenty-five years.

You sound so like me.

You will get through this. You will. People told me the same and I thought they were insane. But I'm still here.

You will get through x

cjel Thu 02-May-13 21:52:54

Hello Karen, I've had to leave my H of 35 years after he got OW. The pain feels overwhelming doesn't it. Sometimes I think I am the only person I know who still loves him, I was advised he was orrid had trated me badly etc etc but I love the bones of him. Ihave been blessed with 2 dcs and 5 dgcs so am not in the same situation as you. However I would get legal advice straight away and even ring WA, they will help you reconcile what you had with what you thought you had.
I have told everyone I know to be kind to him and not give her any satisfaction of seeing us in a bad light.
My stock phrase is quiet dignity. It covers the way I am dealing with them. Detatch from having to have contact with him and take solicitors advice. Don't waste any more of your life thinking about 'her' or what she is able to give him that you couldn't have together. Use all your energy to take care of Karen - she is worth it,make her happy

Allalonenow Thu 02-May-13 21:56:47

How ever temped you are Karen, to contact OW by Facebook etc, you will only give them both a route to hurt you more, you will become the mad wife he is running to her to escape from. Your silence will help you to protect yourself.

Whatever you think of her, she has no feelings of loyalty or care or responsibility towards you, she has not broken any vows made with you. It is your husband who has done that.

You have said how you still love him, I think you are trying to protect your image of him as a loving husband by directing your anger at OW. Instead, direct that anger at the man who betrayed you.

If you feel you must vent your anger at OW, hand write a letter to her filled with all your pain, do not post it, but keep it by you till you are strong enough to destroy it, she will have lost all her power to hurt you then.

Take care, keep strong, keep posting.

Leavenheath Thu 02-May-13 22:15:20

What a rotten way to leave a marriage OP. So very sorry for you.

I should think it's tommyrot that he was unhappy for years. It's the classic thing these people say when they can't face the truth about themselves. That they just couldn't resist a tawdry affair. If this has been going on for a year and he was unhappy when he met her, what stopped him leaving straight away? Or come to think of it, when he first realised he was unhappy? That's just so much crap. You know what he was like before he started working away - don't let him rewrite your past.

How he's managed to convince an OW of a story with that many holes in it is anyone's guess. She must be a bit stupid to think that a man without kids needed to stay with his wife for a year before leaving.

Sure he might have lied to her - but so what? Does that excuse her getting involved with a married man? Since when did it become acceptable to shag a married bloke just because he lies that says he's always been unhappy? confused

Truth is, she'll never be entirely able to square dumping you so brutally and cowardly with any image of a decent partner. Deep down she knows that if he could do it to you, he could do it to her.

Sod dignity where he's concerned. Tell him as calmly as you can that he is a spineless shit who you've got nothing but contempt for. But use that anger well and get what you're entitled to.

sadkaren2 Thu 02-May-13 22:35:55

A small voice at the back of my brain says they were hoping I would die so they could get everything.

But I am not going to.

Leavenheath Thu 02-May-13 22:40:13

Some people are capable of extraordinary evil but if that's true it's no reflection on you.

If it's true and that was their plot, they'd better watch their backs and worry if one takes out life insurance on the other eh?

Their evil is not your problem.

drfayray Fri 03-May-13 04:02:22

Karen, I am so sorry. I understand because my Ex left me after 24 years of marriage. I understand your pain. He is a bastard. Please don't think he was your best friend, because he is not. If anything he is your enemy.

You need to do what others have posted: solicitor ASAP. Freeze accounts. Tell people who will help you. Go see your doctor.

And please, your life is more precious than some bastard. I wanted to kill myself when Ex said he no longer wanted to be married to me; that he had found his happiness; that I was ugly, had no self-esteem and who would want me? In fact I started cutting myself until I looked down at the blood flowing from my arm and thought what the fuck am I doing here? Hurting myself because of a man?! Went straight to my doctor. Told my family, told my friends. Saw a solicitor.

That was in about July 2011. I came here and received support and care. So much kindness.

Now I am divorced; got the papers on the 21st, I am living a good, happy life filled with friends and my children are settled and doing well.

You need to be strong and brave. I know you will be. We are all here supporting you. Please keep posting and remember many of us understand and know of what you are speaking and feeling.

There is light at the end of the will get through this and find a better, happier life because you deserve it Karen.

CheerfulYank Fri 03-May-13 05:29:36

Oh, honey. What a shit he is. sad

I have no advice but can offer virtual hand holding.

BananaSoup Fri 03-May-13 08:12:25

How are you this morning Karen?

wonderingagain Fri 03-May-13 09:17:45

I'm quite lost for words on this one. I don't think I've heard of a man being quite such a twunt after so many years together.

cjel Fri 03-May-13 10:20:57

I hope you live a long and happy life without him.x

akaWisey Fri 03-May-13 10:28:15

Karen your last post took my breath away.

I think that for some time, and definitely right now, your H and OW aren't and cannot be thinking about you. I doubt very much they can afford to actually. They'll be far too busy cementing a relationship built on lies. That's their problem.

Secondly, I really think you need to see your GP if you haven't already. The stark fact is that this is only just beginning and you must gather every single resource around you that you can, so bolster some resilience against the thoughts you're having (and also against the real possibility that he may come crawling back if it all goes tits up with OW).

Keep posting.

whenwillthisbedone Fri 03-May-13 13:51:28

Im new to this but joined today as Im going through something similar!

My partner of 11 years left in Jan, in Feb I found out he was seeing my daughters best friends mum. I have to face this women every day at the school gates she looks at me like the cat that got the cream! He says he didnt love me for years and has told this to everyone and she has shared intimate details of my life with mums at the gate! yet he was happy to be with me while I was main earner and he worked 30 hours a week.

It breaks my heart that he just doesnt care about me at all and our daughter has to hear her friend say your daddy bought me this and your dadddy did that etc

This is the most painful thing I have ever gone through but I do believe with all my heart that we will both come through this and be happier people! chin up sadkaren2!

worsestershiresauce Fri 03-May-13 14:25:46

Karen, you are going to get through this and come out so much stronger and happier than you have been in years. Men who are having an affair treat their wives with soul destroying emotional coldness and disdain whilst it is going on. They undermine your self confidence, make you feel like a failure, like everything tiny thing, every slight argument is your fault. I went through it, and my DH made me feel worthless, a failure, a nag, a misery, someone who just couldn't be happy. That was utter rubbish, before I met him I was a highly successful business woman with a lot of self confidence, who was really happy. The hollow shell I turned into was down to him, it was not who I was.

The day I stood up to him, and realised I was better off without him my old personality came back, and I felt like the weight of the world had lifted off my shoulders. It felt great. You will feel that way too. It will take a bit of time, but you WILL get there, and all the ladies on here who have been through it too will hold your hand the whole way.

Talk to your friends in RL. I was overwhelmed by the help and support I had from people I didn't realise cared. Go out for coffee, have fun, forget about him, be yourself with your friends.

captainmummy Fri 03-May-13 15:36:14

whenwillthisbedone - How awful for you, and your dd.
She thinks she got the cream? SHe got a complete shit who only thinks of himself.. It probably won't be long before she and her daughter experieince the same.

Hope you are coming throught it ok.

Karen - please keep posting. I know it is hard to hear us vilifying your 'D'H, and being so forceful on your behalf, but honestly, it helps. You should get angry. You have been shat on, by someone you thought was on your side.

SoleSource Fri 03-May-13 16:13:11

Karen just type it all out, there isn't a thibg you can type we won't be on your side about x

Plomino Fri 03-May-13 16:32:07

Oh Karen . Your last post brought a tear to my eye . That last sentence of yours ? 'I am not going to ' . That , is your inner strength talking . You DO have it , even though it seems hopeless right now . Draw on that little bit of strength , and you'll find that you 'll find a little bit more .

You know , I lurk on this board really . I consider myself to be very fortunate, and simply am lost for words at the awfulness of others to their partners , both male and female . But you know what ? Over and over and over , I come back and marvel at the difference in posters after some time has gone by . Their world might be altered , but it's not broken , or crumbled , and nor are they . Yes they might have had some really tough times , but they overwhelmingly do come out the other side happier . You can do this . You can get through this .

FreckledLeopard Fri 03-May-13 16:36:36

Oh god, what a total asshole. I'm so sorry you're going through this. Do you have friends and family that you can stay with, or who can stay with you?

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