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Time for a fresh start(5 Posts)
My marriage is over. Three years and a one year old DS. And now I need to decide what to do next.
On the plus side the split is amicable, mutual and we want to remain friends. Especially for DS's sake. For the moment I'm staying in the flat with DH, living as housemates, so he's in the living room and I've claimed the bedroom. Which is working quite well for now - in fact we are getting on better than ever, and he's been a great support. Obviously it's not long term, so I've got to figure out my next move.
Got a lot to figure out, and a lot going on in my head. It's been a hideous few years. Bereavement, disability, homelessness, mental illness, suicidal thoughts, family fights, hard pregnancy.. you name it.
I'm not the person I was when I met DH, and all the dreams I had now seem so much more unattainable. I don't know what I want from life anymore.
Things I need to figure out/sort out;
Living arrangements - Currently in a one bed first floor council flat. For health reasons I can't live here alone. However the stability of a council place does appeal, especially after being made homeless. Private rental does scare me, but it may be my only option.
Health - I've had back problems for 5 years which have stopped me working. I've had an MRI, X-ray and multiple blood tests. I've seen 4 physios and a chiropractor. All we know is that my back shows signs of early wear and tear and the physios have said that my upper spine doesn't move like it should. I'm on a hell of a mix of painkillers. Naproxen, Co-codomal, and (when needed) Tramadol. Since giving birth I've had severe wrist to elbow pain, and they've ruled out carpal tunnel. Typing this is agony, even with the Tramadol.
Work - I used to do data entry or retail. With my wrists and back both of those are out of the question. I'm good at web design, graphic design and sewing. But again, not really an option right now. So either I need to find a job that doesn't hurt, or find a way of managing the pain.
Mental Health - Suffered with depression for 14 years now, (not so) ex-self harmer, (not so) ex-ED sufferer. My mum died of lung cancer 3 weeks before DS was born. My dad got a new girlfriend 6 months later, and we've been arguing since as he wont accept I'm still grieving. Obviously the break up of my marriage hurts. And there are associated issues with that (DH is going through a gender crisis).
Self esteem - With the not working, the disability, the depression, and the weight gain (especially in combination with my history) my self esteem is pretty low. I feel like everything I once had going for me (my health, my work, my looks) has vanished. Nowadays the only thing I am happy about is my ability as a mother.
Hobbies Most of these have fallen by the wayside due to my health problems. My life feels pretty damn empty right now.
So, lots to figure out. No idea where to start.
I don't really expect anyone to have any answers, don't think there are any, just some support would be good. Think I need my own cheerleaders!
And in case anyone thinks "this sounds familiar", it probably is. I'm a NCing regular, decided a new beginning needed a new name, and what better name than the alternative name for Persephone? Fresh start in the Spring, and returning from the darkness. I used to be MurderOfGoth/Empusa/Kaloki. Hopefully this name will stick.
It sounds like some counselling might be useful.
Maybe even CBT. Have to spoken to your GP?
Anyway, wishing you the best on going alone.
I've just started counselling thankfully. At the end of the session the counsellor looked at me and said, "I can see why you're here!"
I think you have started to figure it out.
You've made the decision to end your marriage. You're seeking counselling. You're examining your life. These are all positive things. Sometimes in order to find the answers, you need to be asking the questions! You're dealing with some huge issues so I'd be much more worried if you weren't a little apprehensive. You sound as though you are very considered and proactive. You will be fine.
Thank you Bookie
It's bloody scary, though I guess a lot of these things have been bubbling under for a long time, I can't avoid them any longer.
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