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I've hired a private detective - stressed out - need a rant

(165 Posts)
ivmessedup Wed 01-May-13 06:34:18

On and off since August I've suspected my DP has been having an affair with a girl at work. We all work in the same building and have dealings with each other from time to time. In August I saw a text on his phone from her. Are u about?

Now, I've been cheated on before and as far as I'm concerned, this only means one thing. Why does she even have his mobile number??

Anyway, I challenged him on the text and he denied it in the strongest terms. I came upon them a couple of times in the staff cafe in the building after that, and sat with them, DP and I telling her about our DD etc. This threw me off the scent.

Fast fwd to 18th April. DP was out Fri before and lost phone. At work spot DP and suspected OW chatting. She walked off when she saw me coming and he was all smiles as if nothing amiss. However, I could see her through a door hovering as if she would come back when I was gone.

I pretended to walk away and, sure enough, back she came. Unfortunately, I turned back to catch them out but she had 't reached the room he was in yet, saw me, said hello in an awkward fashion and walked off in the opposite direction.

So, radar back on, I insist on taking his iPad when I take DD to soft play, so I can spy on txts (mobile data on). Of course he's not that daft. But I do check the contact page. It's open at her name. Not a list with her on it- her only.

Next I check the new phone which in the first week has only 12 contacts cos numbers are lost. Guess who's one of them, and under a false name too!

Happily DP has bought himself a crap phone he can't work and can't navigate to delete everything. Lots of txts to her, all deleted but unbeknownst to him, still showing on the log as sent.

Now, without concrete proof, he'll just deny it and say I'm a nutter so, I've instructed a detective to track him for 2 weeks. The only opportunity he has to be with OW is during work or immediately after (I always leave first to collect DD from nursery).

The tracking starts on 7th May and meantime, tonight I've found another part of the phone which shows the first line or so of deleted texts. "Work hard princess", "stay strong princess" are the two worst ones, the rest are just "coffee, cafe?"

Anyone reading this would be in no doubt, but I can honestly see DP still denying it. So, I need to wait for the PI report . Hoping they can get some photographic evidence.

Only thing is that's almost three whole weeks till I can challenge him! Need some support that's why I'm posting. Very stressful sad

Numberlock Wed 01-May-13 06:41:28

Why waste your money?

barebranches Wed 01-May-13 06:42:06

thats awful. Dont have anything to say but here until someone more experienced comes along. xxx

newbiefrugalgal Wed 01-May-13 06:44:58

Hugs smile
Hope you can find your answers.
I know people on here won't agree and will say ltb but I'm with you and would want to know.
Hopefully these few weeks can be as normal as possible, can you lay low at work without him being suspicious?

AudreyParker Wed 01-May-13 06:46:13


I mean this very kindly. Regardless of whether or not he's cheating, you have no relationship. It is not healthy or normal to control your partners interactions with other people in this manner. You really need to seek some support, and I think you should leave your DP and be on your own until you have have some therapy to deal with your jealousy and control issues.

This all sounds so sad, and such hard work.

DragonMamma Wed 01-May-13 06:49:21

I'm so sorry you're going through this OP, it's not sounding good sad

I do agree with numberlock though, it's clear that something massively untoward is going on but you don't need evidence to leave him. You can do that just because you aren't happy with the situation.

I can't get over how he's so brazen about it, having cozy chats under your nose

LandOfCross Wed 01-May-13 06:50:22

Jealousy and control issues AudreyParker? Are we reading the same thread?

Good luck to you OP. I hope you find the irrefutable proof you need, and you and your DD can move on from these two idiots.
So sad that your H will not tell you the truth. It's not meant to be that way, but it is good that you are being proactive and not just believing his nonsense.

notfluffy Wed 01-May-13 06:52:51

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 01-May-13 06:54:46

Save your money. Of course he's going to lie & deny if you confront him but surely you don't want to live with a liar any more than you want to live with a cheat? The fundamental problem is that you don't trust the man. Even if your detective comes up with nothing, that's still going to be the case.

Wishfulmakeupping Wed 01-May-13 06:59:04

This is awful.
While your getting evidence together I'd be getting a head start on organising the finances do you have saving in joints accounts etc?
Can't believe they would do it under your nose but the same thing happened to a lady I know they all worked in the same department

Nehru Wed 01-May-13 06:59:15

You don't call a colleague "princess "

Tbh I'd leave anyone who did though.

racmun Wed 01-May-13 07:04:06

Ah you poor thing. I was in a similar situation a few years ago and my ex denied that anything was going on, surprise surprise they got together the day after we broke up but apparently nothing happened before then. Yeah right.

I completely understand why you have hired the PI. Effectively you and your dd's home life is riding on this. It sounds as though you've tried to confront him but he just denies it so you are stuck in an impossible situation.

I can imagine that you feel like you are going mad at the moment and probably questioning everything he says or does.

Have you confided in a friend it anyone? I know it's hard but I think you need to have someone to speak to otherwise you will want to combust.

LandOfCross Wed 01-May-13 07:08:18

If it is so inncoent and work-related, why delete the texts?

Anyway OP, you have a week to get make plans for your future. Do try to keep busy.
The situation sounds awful. And infuriating.

TheChaoGoesMu Wed 01-May-13 07:09:51

I'm sorry op. I hope you get the proof that you need.

AnyFucker Wed 01-May-13 07:12:23

Save the money for the detective on building your new life

Whether this man is a lying cheat, or you have massive trust issues with him for no reason at have no relationship

It doesn't matter what he denies or how he acts now

If you are compelled to monitor him in this way (for whatever reason) then it is Game Over. do any of you get any work done ? The workplace situation sounds utterly ridiculous, like a silly Carry On movie.

newbiefrugalgal Wed 01-May-13 07:19:45

No way is this you being jealous OP.
ignore that poster.

MummytobeDC2 Wed 01-May-13 07:21:43

Unlike some of the other posters I do not think you have issues and a jealousy problem...

I think I would do the same thing, you have asked him about it, he is denying it so what are you meant to do? Carry on as normal? No way!! Your right to be annoyed and suspicious!

If it comes back that the PI can't find any fault, please speak to him about it, tell him how there friendship makes you feel and ask him to keep away. If you can't get over it, leave, before it destroys you. thanks

Branleuse Wed 01-May-13 07:22:45

princess ffs?


LIZS Wed 01-May-13 07:23:41

agree , you obviously can't and don't trust him . He is already an ex regardless of what is going on. Start looking for a new job and move on.

ColinCaterpillar Wed 01-May-13 07:25:41

Save your money. Honestly, my now ex denied he was seeing any

SoupDragon Wed 01-May-13 07:26:44

I think you should cancel and save your money.

You don't trust him. I think the relationship is over.

What would you do if the detective found nothing? Would you go back to trusting your partner or would you think the detective has made a mistake?

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 01-May-13 07:29:34

The OP may not have an jealousy or control problem but they certainly have an anxiety problem verging on the obsessional caused by fundamental mistrust. The DP in this case has already been told by the OP that they are uncomfortable with the level of contact that he has with this other colleague. Now, whilst it's impossible for people who all work at the same place to ignore each other, he should have taken that on board rather than keep meeting her for coffee. Certainly no more texting.

So I think your anxiety is not going to be helped by a detective. You know already a few things for definite ... a) you don't trust him, b) he doesn't care about your feelings and c) he is carrying on being over-friendly with someone else. No amount of denial changes any of those things.

ColinCaterpillar Wed 01-May-13 07:58:46

Save your money. Honestly, my now ex denied he was seeing anyone, convinced me I was deranged. On saturday I walked past him sat with her in a pub, he came running out and was denying it still, sat next to her when I confronted him and denied anything was going on. By Saturday night he was listed as in a relationship with her on Facebook!!! On sunday he was claiminh hed gone to his mums and that it was over anyway. He was not planning on getting caught basically.

I always say he would have tried to wriggle out of it even if I'd caught him en flagrante.


Fairenuff Wed 01-May-13 08:27:14

So sorry this is happening OP but I agree that you should start making plans to separate.

What the detective can't tell you is the one thing you want to know - that he isn't cheating. That is the only information that would be helpful and he can't possibly prove that can he?

So the next best thing would be proof that he is cheating. If you get all your legal and financial advice in place then you will be able to present him with a done deal as soon as you have the proof. It will be like pulling the rug out under his feet, he won't know what hit him.

Mosman Wed 01-May-13 08:36:27

I got our computer scanned -£3,000, phone download programmes to find all the deleted messages, hotel room bills the lot, even pretended to be him to ow to get her to send copies of texts and emails.
None of it helped. I wish I'd had a weekend in a spa instead.

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