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Has anyone been left by their (Ex)H, to bring up their DCs alone, and actually years later realised they are glad that he went?

(251 Posts)
LineRunner Tue 30-Apr-13 21:26:50

That's it really.

After a couple of years on MN, I am realising that he might have done me a favour.

He was different towards me after we got married. (DD was just a few months old.) He encouraged me to drop my career. He had at least two affairs, one when I was 7 months pregnant with DS who was born prematurely. ExH is a fucking knob.

He told me he was leaving me as he was sitting on the sofa, and I said 'Pack a bag and go.' He did and has behaved ever since like I threw him out. (He went to OW #2.)

Yet he hates me.

I was meant to beg him to stay, right?

Otherwise I cannot make sense of the ten years of utter hatred he has expressed towards me, through at least five girlfriends/partners, that frankly I am now sick of, as the DCs have turned 15 and 17.

<have wanted to post this for ages.>

themidwife Thu 09-May-13 20:19:32

My DCs have discovered for themselves. The old Christmas card DD received for her birthday with a flimsy polystyrene market stall toy helmet (I bought her a bike) all because I dared to ask for a particular item for her birthday, the trying to convince the DCs I am a thief because after all his debts were paid there was only £1000 cash left for him from his half of the proceeds of sale of the house (& that was being generous - his debts alone were £19k out of a pot of £35 leaving me with a £15k deposit on a little house! The telling the kids I am like a stray cat who breeds to get money out of men (I've always worked & paid the bills with minimal or no maintenance for years) etc etc. They do learn for themselves eventually.

LineRunner Thu 09-May-13 20:25:22

What hacks me off the most is these Exes trying to lay it on with a trowel that their bad and tight-arsed behaviour 'is something your mother has forced me into'.

It may have been unchallenged and unchallenge-able when the DCs were in primary school, but message for ExH: they are 15 and 17 now. They think you are tight and unpleasant.

50shadesofvomit Thu 09-May-13 21:08:34

Omg! So many of these posts ring true to my ex.

Ex left us for OW in Jan after gaslighting and being EA. ds1 (12) and I sussed out the affair in September but he didn't leave until New Years.

Ex is mad at ds1 and me for exposing the affair to ds2 and dd and throwing him out. Apparently his relationship with OW is boring because its not a secret anymore and I've told her a few home truths like we sleep together at least 3 times a week where as he told her we hadn't shagged in years- lol. He is confused why ds1 doesn't want to see him any more and telling people that I've poisoned his mind. Ex has cancelled the direct debit for ds1's pocket money in an attempt to bribe ds1 to comply but I have simply given ds1 enough self confidence to tell ex to fuck off and given him money myself.

He thinks he's a hero as he's paying maintenance and living in a Travelodge (OW threw him out and he can't be arsed to find a flat)and was shocked that I won't do this washing and ironing any more.

Ex is a project manager and sends me powerpoints and excels with project management speak like milestones to explain financial and access stuff. (Children are like work and not a joy for him) Bizarrely today he sent me his monthly budget in an attempt to get me to feel sorry for him but fuck that. He left and was spending 00s on his affair. I am not going to make his life easier.

Loving the quote about good mothers allowing fathers to be crap. Since the split my sons have really talked to me about their feelings towards ex and me. Im pleased that they both understand how much I treasure and love them.

Currently worried about dd. she's 10 and sees ex EOW and once mid-week. (Shes the only kid to see him regularly) I suspect that ex is feeding her crap. Shes become quite withdrawn and angry with me and her brothers for not throwing ex out and not being able to ignore his twatiness like us. We aren't living in a household of negativity about ex. She starts to talk about past events in a totally different way to how her brothers or I remember and seems to hanker for a past life that didn't happen rather than the fun future that me and her brothers are currently enjoying.

fengirl1 Thu 09-May-13 21:50:48

Dd2 has had a parent's evening tonight.... As it's not local, we ( me and ex) take it in turns to go. Bit of background - she has severe visual impairment, registered blind. She had various assessments when small and I was told she is exceptionally bright...
Various texts going back and forth and then this: 'I remember my father always saying she would surprise us. He was right.' I feel very tempted to reply 'Yes, she is a credit to her mother'! (Who spent hours and hours when she was little encouraging and helping her to make the best use of her sight that she could, referred her to the visual impairment service herself and took her to all of her hospital appointments (bar two) alone....) Grrrr... There's always a way to take the credit isn't there? Quietly seething here whilst also considering telling him he's a pompous prat. grin

NicknameTaken Fri 10-May-13 09:24:00

I'm really encouraged by the posts about older dcs seeing through their (wanker) fathers. DD is 5 and finds it confusing. Her father tries to implant false memories eg. that she was unhappy with the new nursery when I left him and changed her nursery.

During our few direct handovers (most are indirect, through school) she clings to him, refusing to leave him, saying she wants to stay with him, and is very aggressive towards me. I have a bruise on my arm where she bit me, to his unconcealed pleasure. Once he is out of sight, she is fine again, and she has told me that she feels she has to behave in that way to please him.

I'm trying to change the arrangements to avoid the one direct handover we have every two weeks. I find it awful that his ego feeds of her distress during these scenes. He doesn't want to make things as easy as possible for her - he wants to be the central figure in the drama.

I think that explains a lot of the rage felt by exes described on the thread - when you move on, he's not the central figure of the drama, he's not Hamlet, and he cannot bear the humiliation of being reduced to a bit-player in your life.

LineRunner Fri 10-May-13 09:42:46

Yes, Nickname, I think it's very important that handovers become extremely dull.

You know, I think my ExH does feel a sense of humiliation for what he's done, and for how, deep down, he knows that many people see him. It's just a shame that he doesn't blame himself for his own actions, but blames me. So weak. I guess the creation of drama helps them keep up the froth of blame - like Spero says, it's all about what feels good to them.

LineRunner Fri 10-May-13 09:44:32

50Shades, I think receiving powerpoint presentations from your Ex must be up there in the top ten wankinesses!

LineRunner Fri 10-May-13 09:46:23

fengirl, You could perhaps simply reply, 'Yes. Thank you for the compliment. You must feel so adrift at times like this.'

themidwife Fri 10-May-13 10:21:21

I agree Fengirl - reply "thanks, I worked very hard to get her to this stage & it's great that you recognise that". Ha ha take that twunt!!

DoeEyedBeauties Fri 10-May-13 15:42:47

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Spero Fri 10-May-13 17:50:07

I am sorry to hear that. It is tough.

I don't know if it is any consolation, but I think the real grief comes through the loss of the hope and the ideal of the 'lovely family' and the 'nice man'.

i knew what I had wasn't real but I was so desparate to hope it would be so. So when its gone, there is a risk you berate yourself for being stupid to not do anything sooner.

But I hope you can feel less alone reading this, I don't think anyone on this thread comes accross as some stupid, boring person who deserved to be treated like shit. On the contrary, it looks like there are a lot of narcissistic, self absorbed, unreflecting idiots out there and far too many good women have wasted far too much of their precious time trying to pander to their egos.

I hope it is onwards and upwards for you.

Mosschops30 Sat 11-May-13 07:43:31

Just marking my place to read this later

comingintomyown Sat 11-May-13 08:01:55

Sorry to hear that but you are right its more the grief at the end of the dream of a family life etc

Reading these posts has cheered me up this morning and given me a much needed reminder of how our life really was as I have been a bit blue these past few days. I have been single since we split 3 1/2 years ago and feeling the stress of bringing up my 2 teens on my own.

My DD is 14 and doesnt want to spend time at her Dads. Long story short she says hes "Dad" until OW walks in the room and then becomes completely different and she doesnt like that man. I suppose I bought into XHs own PR about how his DC were his life and always come first blah blah when actually its clear OW and her extensive needs come first. It gives me no pleasure though that DD thinks her Dad is a prick as I know how much my own non relationship with my Dad screwed me up.

So much of what has been said rings a bell particularly the early years when he seemed so angry and bitter and it went from him telling people we mutually agreed to split to a year on that I drove him out. Actually what happened was he told me he didnt love me , didnt see any point trying to fix things and then moved out and started a relationship with OW. I too wondered why he wasnt in seventh heaven having got away from me his shit wife to be with his new soul mate who had got him through a dark place. I agree with whoever said he just couldnt cope with the responsibility of leaving his DC and so by concocting this new version of events he could abnegate that responsibility.

I have to get ready for work now but heres a quick addition to the last shag stories. Whilst in the middle of said act (I did know he was leaving) he said to me "Heres a souvenir for you" . Enough said.

LineRunner Sat 11-May-13 14:42:02

comingintomyown, He sounds extremely manipulative. I think you are definitely better off without that in your life.

Alone with two teens is bloody hard though. But it would be harder with a master of manipulation in the house, I'm pretty sure.

My DS is currently very sad that he thinks his dad's a prick, and it seems to be hurting everyone except his dad, who doesn't seem to think it's his problem. Apparently if the ExH can blame me for every emotion ever felt by any member of the human race, that makes his life feel ok.

NicknameTaken Mon 13-May-13 11:35:04

Question - if your dc came home and said daddy was hitting them, what would you do?

My dd is 5, and says her father slaps her on the face and squeezes her wrist. I went to the GP and ask for a ss referral before Christmas last year. The sw interviewed dd and then ex, and said "Well, he denies it and they look fine together". My ex has a history of making malicious accusations against me, and it seems to be written off as tit for tat.

We have a mediation session today (court-ordered, because the bloody sw reported that the only problem is our lack of communication), and I'm going to raise it there (and frankly, I would be very happy if the mediator decided independently it was a child protection issue and flagged it herself). I can ask the school if they have a safeguarding person who might talk to dd.

I can't just stop contact - exH has made loads of false allegations that I block contact and is trying to be made residential parent on that basis. I really need ss behind me, but it feels like the only way to get them behind me (or rather dd) is for someone else to flag their concerns, because mine don't seem to be taken seriously.

What else can I do?

themidwife Mon 13-May-13 13:30:43

Nickname - as your DD is still 5 go & talk to the Senior Family Support Worker/Manager at your nearest children's centre. I'm sure they will have advice about who can help you. You can request a CAFCASS referral so they can advise & support you through this too.

Spero Mon 13-May-13 13:58:19

Nickname, I am sorry to hear that. Handovers sound horrendous. I would definitely raise this with the mediator. This is emotional abuse, it is awful that she has to feel she needs to act this way and it must be hard for you to endure.

Is there anyway handovers can be carried out by someone else, at least for a while? The problem is that SS are unlikely to have energy or resources to help you as the thresholds for their interventions are pretty high and if they see a little girl who seems happy to be with her dad they will probably just shrug and move on.

NicknameTaken Mon 13-May-13 14:09:23

Thanks, both. themidwife, the judge outright refused a CAFCASS referral, on the basis that ss had already looked at the situation and hadn't found a safeguarding issue. My sol reckons that it's a three line whip on judges not to make CAFCASS referrals in anything other than the most severe case, as they are so overstretched. I hadn't thought of the children's centre - good idea, thanks.

Spero, "shrug and move on" is just what it feels like. I raised it with the mediator, and it was discussed (he of course denied it and said it was all me, blah blah) and we will have an outcome statement that says we both disavow the use of physical punishment. I don't know if it will make much difference - maybe he'll think twice.

Nobody to do handovers - neither of us have family in the area. I don't have friends who could do it. Most of our handovers are via school, and I'm going to try to get the last remaining direct one switched to school.

Mediation now officially over so looks like it will be a full court hearing.

themidwife Mon 13-May-13 16:52:05

Women's Aid may also be helpful with advice?

olgaga Mon 13-May-13 16:58:51

You might have a look at Rights of Women (they have a family law advice line) and Maypole too.

JamieandtheMagicTorch Mon 13-May-13 17:00:52

Dear Linerunner

You are so wise and expressive on here.

He, OTOH, is not. No insight.

It's a shame for him really - yours will be the happier life, and the more giving.

LineRunner Mon 13-May-13 18:04:26

You know, Nickname, there came a point in my dealings with ExH where he went too far and one day I simply called the police.

Jamie, aiming for happy!

NicknameTaken Tue 14-May-13 10:45:44

Thanks for the suggestions. Police involved once, long ago, regarding me not dd. Don't want dd to be in that position, but the day might come.

Ezza1 Wed 15-May-13 00:01:08

Wow. Before reading through this thread I really thought I was alone in all the shite my exH has spouted over the last 12 years. I thought I had a unique, embittered twat of an exH but I have been enlightened!

Last day sex - check. (he told me he had sex with me to make me feel less ugly...pleasant)

Rewriting the past - check. I've been like this hmm over the years when the DCs have been recounting certain things their dad has told them.

Total bitching about me to anyone (including the DCs) about everything - check.

Threats of custody/social services - check.

The DCs are 15 and 12 now. ExH still kicks up a fuss about nothing every now and then.

I moved on the minute he moved out and in with the OW. He thoroughly dislikes that.

I've brought the DCs up single handedly. DCs are intelligent, thoughtful, kind, mature and altogether lovely children. I have a wonderful, close relationship with them both. ExH was hoping for delinquents to prove my supposed inadequacies and failings. He was also hoping to make them hate me with his bullshit. I've proved him wrong and he is seething.

I'm in a long term relationship, have another child and another on the way. Thats wrong too - "stupid cow, how could she do that in the middle of your GCSEs" (said to DC1) confused

Wow again!

LineRunner Wed 15-May-13 19:45:52

Crikey, Ezza, did the Exes go to the same Twat School?

ExH was hoping for delinquents to prove my supposed inadequacies and failings

My ExH referred to his own, lovely children as 'messed up' in one of his ridiculous contact hearings.

Wow indeed.

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