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So upset, don't think dp ever has any intention of marrying me

(80 Posts)
Smiledisarm Tue 30-Apr-13 19:02:21

Long story short, dp and I are in process of buying a house. Got mortgage agreed in principle and found our dream house. Then mortgage collapsed because I'm not currently working meaning dp would have to get the mortgage in his name only. Theoretically we could still move into dream house together but then I'm legally in shit creek without a paddle if ever we broke up. I'd have no legal claim on the house, anything in it or any money put into it if ever we broke up,
So naturally I'm worrying, nervous and reconsidering everything. Dp doesn't understand why as he says he's 100% commuted to me, loves me to bits and sees a long, bright future for us. This doesn't help me legally and do I said I do sometimes worry about his commitment to me (as he can be unpredictable and analyses everything often shedding doubt on our relationship. He insists he is commuted and asks what he can do to prove that .... Isn't it obvious??? I feel so sad about it all, everyone around me is either married or engaged, we have never even discussed it. I have brought it up on occasion but he just doesn't see the big deal. If he's 100% committed to me, is it do unreasonable??

JennyMackerz Tue 30-Apr-13 19:34:23

I agree with that Kingrollo. The uncertainty when you want certainty, it's torture. Or it becomes torture.

Is being divorced better than never having married?!

KingRollo Tue 30-Apr-13 19:36:51

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Spero Tue 30-Apr-13 19:38:00

Do NOT buy a house with someone you can't have a conversation with about issue that matter.

In fact, don't be in a relationship with them. Been there, got T shirt.

It is a recipe for misery and wasted years.

mamapants Tue 30-Apr-13 19:40:28

Putting your name on the deeds is fairly straightforward think it requires you both to seperately meet with solicitors and then a fee of 30 to change the deeds.

As he has stated that he can see a long and happy future together then I would hazard a guess this has more to do with his failed marriage than a lack of love towards you.

I know my DP feels that marriage doesn't mean anything having gone through a failed one and he has an emotional resentment towards it. He does know that I'd like to get married in the future though and he has even lOoked for engagement rings but he isn't quite ready to go beyond that. But I do know how he feels as we've spoken about it properly even discussing details of the wedding we would like. I think the important thing is for you to talk about it as it clearly means a lot to you.

KingRollo Tue 30-Apr-13 19:40:32

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Phineyj Tue 30-Apr-13 19:40:39

You don't have to get married to protect any financial stake you have in the house (presumably you will contribute to decorating, repairs, furniture etc from time to time?) You can get a Tenants in Common Agreement for the house spelling out what you would get if you split or if it was sold. A solicitor can do it - it's not expensive. If your DP won't even discuss doing that I'd be concerned.

CitizenOscar Tue 30-Apr-13 19:41:27

I had the same as Spero - even bought a house by myself when I'd have been happy to put ex-DP on the deeds if he'd seemed more committed. So glad I didn't!

I'd hinted and been as obvious as I could but didn't want to set ultimatums or try to pin him down.

Anyway, things finally came to a head when we were 29 (after 8 years) and we broke up and within 4 months we'd both met future spouses and were married within 2.5 years.

Marriage isn't for everyone but I think you do need to have a serious straightforward conversation with your DP about the specifics of your future. You can be put on the deeds of the house but it seems like the issue goes deeper than that so you do need to know how DP feels and he needs to be aware how important it is to you.

You'll need to think about why it's so important to you and also be able to listen (as calmly as possible) to DP's reasons for (possibly) not being so keen. Then you can work out where to go from there.

Good luck.

mrspaddy Tue 30-Apr-13 19:41:45

If you want to marry him.. I wouldn't accept just buying a house. Some men don't want to marry. You need to find out straight and clear what the story is. Don't waste years of your life waiting to be asked -like I did-

JennyMackerz Tue 30-Apr-13 19:44:34

kingrollo & spero, have the t-shirt too. I have only been in one relationship since my x but we talked about everything that we wanted so frankly. it was such a relief.

Spero Tue 30-Apr-13 19:46:20

The house issue was a way for my ex to fob me off. Of course I am committed to you! We own a house together!

Except houses can be sold. Then suddenly we didn't own a house together. And when I finally plucked up courage to say I wanted to be married he said he didn't want to marry 'anyone' .

As the mother of his child I had rather hoped to be more than just 'anyone'.

So due to my cowardice and head in the sand attitude I have a daughter whose father lives on other side of world and she suffers for it.

If he loves you, if this relationship is real, he will talk to you about things that matter to YOU. I don't give a shit what his views on 'marriage' are - YOU are upset and he needs to hear you.

KingRollo Tue 30-Apr-13 19:46:37

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AThingInYourLife Tue 30-Apr-13 19:47:55

Whatever you do, don't go along with this ridiculous plan of having no legal claim to "your" house.

He has a fucking cheek asking that of you.

EleanorFarjeon Tue 30-Apr-13 19:50:56

Perhaps he doesn't want to get married again as he was married before and it didn't work out?

My cousin is in a similar situation. He's divorced & his partner very much wants to be married to him. But he feels that he should only have had one shot at marriage, which in his case, didn't work out. He's very principled, his partner doesn't get it, but I sort of do.

He's committed to her but feels a hypocrite to promise a life long committment to her when he broke the same promise to his first wife. As someone else said upthread, the meaning of marriage has changed for him.

Spero Tue 30-Apr-13 19:54:34

His views on marriage are utterly irrelevant at this stage.

It is the fact that he won't discuss them and the op feels she can't ask. That is the massive unfurling red flag here.

WorrySighWorrySigh Tue 30-Apr-13 20:00:46

A house purchase is a commitment to the mortgage company only.

Spero Tue 30-Apr-13 20:05:55

Hah! Exactly.

Snazzynewyear Tue 30-Apr-13 20:06:21

I think you need to be upfront about this now. Sit him down and say that you are uncomfortable about some of the contradictions that seem to have come up in your relationship - that he 'sees a long future' for you but also seems very evasive where marriage is concerned. Say straight out that you really want to get married and want to know where he stands on that. Then take some time to think over his response, whatever it is. Do not be rushed into anything where the house is concerned.

WorrySighWorrySigh Tue 30-Apr-13 20:19:15

If he is of the view that marriage wont increase his commitment as his commitment is 100% then it wouldnt matter to him if he did marry you so there would be no problem in marrying you. If he isnt prepared to do this then I would suspect that his commitment is rather less than 100%.

Why not propose to him and see what his reaction is?

I proposed to my DH just before we bought our first house. If I hadnt asked we wouldnt be married now (21 years later). DH couldnt see the point then but certainly does now.

Smiledisarm Tue 30-Apr-13 20:24:19

Ok I'm going to bring it up tonight, tell him it's what I want in my future and I need to know where he stands on that. Watch this space, I will update later and possibly need his reaction analysed lol

Spero Tue 30-Apr-13 20:39:24

Good luck. Well done on being brave. You do need to know where you stand. I think men are quite prone to just letting relationships drift along.

cinnamonsugar Tue 30-Apr-13 20:44:04

Watch this space, I will update later and possibly need his reaction analysed
There's not much to analyse about this kind of talk. If it's a yes, it's a yes. Anything other than a yes is a no. Good luck wine flowers

racmun Tue 30-Apr-13 20:48:48

Your name can't be on the house if you're not in the mortgage.

You can have a trust deed drawn up which is a side agreement between you and your partner setting our how the proceeds will be split. You would need to register a Restriction on the title which effectively means he can't sell without your consent. This would probably need mortgage co's consent though which may cause an issue.

If you live in the house without being on the mortgage then you will need to sign an occupies waiver form postponing any rights you may acquire behind those of the mortgage co. this basically means they can get you out if they need to repossess.

On another matter are you sure you can't be in the mortgage. I don't earn anymore but I'm on the mortgage and title is in our joint names if they'll lend to dp anyway it shouldn't make any difference.

Squitten Tue 30-Apr-13 21:01:10

Firstly, are you certain that you can't be on the mortgage? I'm a SAHM and our mortgage is in both names and always has been. I really would enquire further into that.

Secondly, I hope your DP gives you the answers you want. His reaction to the issue will tell you a lot

KingRollo Wed 01-May-13 06:08:16

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Smiledisarm Wed 01-May-13 08:14:16

Well there was a visible recoil upon the mere mention of it (would have been comical if it wasn't so upsetting!) and his reply was "eerrrr .... Dunno .... Can't even begin to think about that right now, I've just come out of a long marriage (divorced 3 years ago) which I couldn't wait to get out of". So basically I told him how important it was to me just to have that common goal for the future and he said he has tons of issues about marriage due to his last one so can't hand on heart promise it will ever happen for us ... But he wouldn't rule it out.
Upset but at least I know where I stand I suppose.

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