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DH dealing with death of toxic parent- help!

(4 Posts)
cocopops Tue 30-Apr-13 18:13:49

My MIL who was a horrible toxic woman was buried yesterday. She treated my DH horrendously over the years- making sure he knew always that he was not the favourite son. She had an almost unhealthy obsession with her eldest son who lives in another country.

My FiL was an enabler and while DH thinks he is a sweet put upon old man, I will never forgive him for this.

Anyway, I wondered if anyone with toxic families had found themselves in the situation where history has almost been rewritten on death and everything bad that happened forgotten. My DH seems to be beside himself with grief- it turns out from the eulogy he wrote that she was, in fact, a saint- a wonderful woman who loved her family so much.
Im finding this very difficult to deal with- I know she was his mother after all but I don't understand why he is so beside himself, after all she did to him.

I also do not want his father to be any more involved in our lives than he was before but DH, who is always too busy to be home for bedtime during the week and always has to go into the office at the weekend, seems to have no problem finding the time to spend with his father.

I know I sound a bitter woman but I can't forget what his family have done to mine over the years.
Any advice or thoughts?

musickeepsmesane Tue 30-Apr-13 18:19:31

you just need to support him. we had problems with my fathers eulogy. Eldest DB turned him into a saint, youngest remembered only the bad stuff. I just took middle ground and made sure DBs were ok. Your DH is mourning the death of a parent, no matter how bad the relationship. He will probably also start processing the bad stuff and this will really hurt him again. He will need you to nod, agree and be there for him. Also, my eldest DB didn't want others knowing the truth about DF, none of their business anyway.

CreepyLittleBat Tue 30-Apr-13 21:15:41

^ good advice up there. It sounds like he is not only mourning the mother he had, but the mother he would have wanted, that now he'll never have, iyswim. He might also feel guilt at not liking her so much, or not pleasing her. Sorry you're in this grim situation xx

knitknack Tue 30-Apr-13 21:20:23

I sometimes think its harder to mourn a difficult relationship than an easier one (at least with parents), having lost both of mine young. Look after him, let him mourn the mother he SHOULD have had as well as that he did have. Expect it to be a long road. Maybe a year or so x

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