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Single? The truth.....

(84 Posts)
Sunshineandflowers Tue 30-Apr-13 17:13:17

I have a thread on AIBU at the moment about the way my mum has reacted to me telling her I am thinking of leaving DH. Basically she has told me how awful being single is (she was for about 18 months) so I would really appreciate anybody who can verify the following claims:

That it's soul destroyingly lonely sitting on own all evening and weekend
That all my friends will become convinced I will steal their DHs and will not want to know me.
That every man I meet won't want to know me as I have children.
That I will regret every day leaving DH.

Apparently I need to make more effort, go on "date nights" etc. Despite the fact I have been unhappy for 10 years.

So is that dire on the other side. Did you leave and wish you'd stayed?

MumnGran Thu 02-May-13 17:38:32

Sunshine, I have just been reading back over this thread, and one sentence has stuck in my mind like glue"

"But I'd love to have an evening where I didn't dread the key in the lock"

Being on your own means you never have to feel that way again, and it is the best feeling in the world. You may have tough times, you may have lonely times, you may sometimes wonder where it all went wrong but none of those emotions come anywhere close to the dreadful feelings of living with an abuser.

Somewhere, hiding inside, is your self-esteem. Being single helps to find that again, and if that is all you ever get from it .....its well worth having. Being a mother doesn't automatically qualify you to be a decent individual let alone anything else......there are several threads here on toxic parenting. I think you need to turn to a really good friend for support, instead. Just someone who doesn't have their own agenda.

lubeybooby Thu 02-May-13 17:14:29

"So far it is much more like soul restoration than soul destroying"

Yes, absolutely this.

InNeedOfSense Thu 02-May-13 16:03:55

I'm recently separated from my h. I was very lonely in my marriage for a long time, and, tbh, I'm only just starting the process of working through the feelings / issues I need to learn from. My head is a bit pre-occupied, and I'm having many sad moments. But this week has been easier than last week, which was easier than the previous week.

There's an ancient proverb that says something along the lines of 'there is nothing sadder in all creation than a married woman who is unloved.' I used to cry when I read that. It still makes me well up now, typing it here. sad

In the last month, since h left, I've done so many positive things towards making a nice life for me and my dc, I've spent time with people whom I love and respect, and I've not felt anywhere near that level of gut-wrenching loneliness. Yes, I've had many sad moments, and I know I'm still in the middle of all the loss-breveavement type reactions, but I am genuinely doing okay. I had a nightmare last night which was to do with someone persuading me to take h back, and being coerced into going back to him and feeling as if I had no choice but to do so , and it was the worst dream I've had for a very long time , and I woke up in a panic and realised (once I realised it was a dream) that my subconcious was telling me that being forced to go back to h would be the very worst thing I can imagine. sad that I feel like this, but there's a great long back story, as there always is.

So far I don't regret h leaving. So far none of my friends, or their partner / husband has seen me as a threat. So far men have just been nice to me smile. So far it is much more like soul restoration than soul destroying.

Whatever you do, I hope you find true hapiness in life. smile

badtime Thu 02-May-13 15:49:51

Also, I meant to say, it is not surprising your mother fears being alone so much. She clearly doesn't like herself, if she needs the validation of a relationship at all times, and being alone with her thoughts would mean she would have to face up to the fact that she allowed her daughter to be abused for her own selfish reasons.

This doesn't apply to you, so you will be fine.

badtime Thu 02-May-13 15:39:55

Sunshine, how is ice-cream for your children something that should come from 'your' money? Is your husband controlling financially?

Anyway, why are you paying any attention to what your mother says about this?

She would rather be with someone who was abusing her daughter than be single, even possibly for a short time. That is not normal. It may be that watching her fucked-up relationship style has influenced you more than you realise, and you feel you have to endure your horrible relationship, and be grateful for any nugget of civility that comes your way.

I was single for 5 years. I am now in a lovely relationship with a lovely man, but there are a lot of things I miss about singleness (the stuff about making one's own decisions without negotiation, mainly). Do it.

lubeybooby Thu 02-May-13 15:37:57


I'm sorry about your mums experience but being single is what you make it. If you look at it negatively and focus on the past or whats been lost etc and sit indoors feeling miserable then yes you're going to hate it.

I LOVE it and have not lived with anyone for nearly 6 years now so count myself as single really all that time.

I have had a couple of relationships of varying seriousness, a lot of dates, and a few 'friend with benefits'

I just love it so much. I don't ever go without sex or company, I go out a lot, it's awesome

the only downside is being responsible for everything financially. I don't think it fair to move some poor bloke in just for his money so therefore I don't do it

I keep my space and my own schedule and I like it that way. I don't see myself even getting into a serious relationship again til my DD is settled with uni and living away. Which is about 3 years away and I'm fine with that wink

HotDAMNlifeisgood Thu 02-May-13 15:27:02

Just adding my stone to the general edifice of "not only have I never wished I'd stayed, I regret not doing it sooner"

You deserve happiness, sunshine. Your current marriage is a drain on your happiness. And that won't change unless he changes (which he clearly doesn't want to do), or you leave. Only leaving is within your power: if he's demonstrated that he is unwilling to change, then it is time for you to take the only action you can and that is left you.

I have been single 2 years:

- I never sit home alone and lonely, as I have built a fantastic new life for myself. When I am home alone, I am not lonely, iyswim.

- If anyone thinks I want to steal their partner, they are twats. Can't say I've noticed anyone thinking that way in my circle. And even if they did, what of it? Their problem, not mine.

- I am proud of myself every day for leaving a deeply unhappy and unbalanced marriage. It truly is my greatest achievement, in terms of forging a more fulfilling life for myself.

garlicyoni Thu 02-May-13 15:15:28

If you came round my house and did a bit of ironing, or some of my work, I'd be grateful. If you did while being grimly passive-aggressive, giving me the silent treatment and barking the occasional put-down, I would not have you anywhere near my house again. I certainly wouldn't sleep with you!

Lweji Thu 02-May-13 14:52:26

Not really a favour to you.
It was something he did to get more money into the household.

Regardless, these people always have some good points, or else their partners would have left ages ago.

I have said this in another thread, but for me it's not so much the balance but whether you can live with the bad parts.
Can you live with the silence?
Can you live with his comments?

Lovingfreedom Thu 02-May-13 14:51:12

1. no - plenty of things to do to pass the time.
2. er...maybe very slightly with some (insecure) people, but not generally. Probably less invitations to do coupley things...but how much would you really miss those anyway?
3. definitely not. Most guys realise that women of my age (not sure how old you are) are quite likely to have kids. Either they have them too...or they are fine with yours (or if they're not interested in kids they might avoid you. hasn't happened to me)
4. Nope! Definitely not!

Sunshineandflowers Thu 02-May-13 14:43:34

Neither! I do ironing as a job to earn a bit of money. Admittedly it's "my money" in that it goes on the odd coffee/ice creams for the DC etc, so it was genuinely a favour he did for me.

Lweji Thu 02-May-13 14:32:33

he did some ironing for me

Your clothes, or his?

(I don't like him either, BTW)

wordyBird Thu 02-May-13 13:08:47

Yes, to garlic and Jenny's posts!
Add me to the list because I don't like him either. sad
Life can be better, starting today.

Fluffycloudland77 Thu 02-May-13 13:07:29

When sil left her oh she got £500 a month in tax credits etc, it really helped her though a tight spot.

Plus free prescriptions and dental.

JennyMackerz Thu 02-May-13 13:05:18

Sunshine, I used to write lists endlessly. pros of staying, pros of leaving. And then, cons of staying, cons of leaving. I stared at the clear evidence telling me to leave and just re-jigged the questions slightly. don't OVER analyse it. You're not happy with him. You don't like it. To hell with the ironing and the dinner, ykwim.

garlicyoni Thu 02-May-13 12:59:42

I don't like him, either!

Honestly, how is this difficult? You are living with - sharing your space with, sleeping with - a person you don't like, and who is rude to you.

Did somebody tell you to do this? To put yourself through it, inflict a grumpy home environment on your children, to tolerate insult? If so, what do you think of their opinion?

Sunshineandflowers Thu 02-May-13 12:53:30

It's so difficult. It's like I'm continually weighing things up.

So last night he did some ironing for me (job not home stuff). Which is really good isn't it? But he was rude about dinner "why exactly are we having this??" Then no further conversation for the entire evening apart from one word answers or grunts. Then one of the DC was ill so I had to squash into her bed because if I take her in our (king size) it disturbs his sleep. I just keep looking at him and thinking how much I don't like him.

fromparistoberlin Thu 02-May-13 10:30:47

"I now understand why my mum ignored the fact my stepdad abused me,

sweetheart, her advice is not worth SHIT

I understand your fears, and only you can decide. but being single is NOT the end of the world, and agree that for every single woman, there is a single man (unless muntiple marriages have swelled). OK its a 51 to 49% rate, bit have faith

dont listen to her, listen to what you want

BeCool Thu 02-May-13 10:08:06

So I was preparing for DD2's 2nd birthday last night - baked a cake, prepared the decorations, getting presents wrapped for this morning etc etc and I momentarily felt a little sad that I was doing all this alone.

And then I remembered I did it all on my own pre-split anyway - every birthday, Xmas, holiday etc - it was always down to me to make the preparations, make the plans, get everything together, do the shopping etc. If I asked ExP to help he'd huff and puff, but insist he was involved, but not do anything until absolutely the last minute - causing lots of stress for all. He'd ask for my help as 'he didn't have enough time' etc etc. It was a huge pain in the arse, caused lots of stress, and I ended up doing everything anyway. It was easier not to ask - and then he would ask 10pm on the night before - is there anything I can do?

So the same feelings of loneliness in and out of the relationship, but now I don't have the feelings of stress, harassment and disappointment caused by him continually opting out.

YoniBottsBumgina Thu 02-May-13 08:07:58

(hi garlic - yes it's me smile )

wonderingagain Wed 01-May-13 16:53:19

sad Your mother won't help you - this sums it up.

It's compounded by the fact that I now understand why my mum ignored the fact my stepdad abused me, because his life was more of a priority than mine. That's why she stayed married to him because that was more important than leaving him and protecting me.

You will get so much support on here so keep posting. I hope you can soon see this as the beginning of a great journey.

acceptableinthe80s Wed 01-May-13 16:42:40

Glad to hear you're getting pro-active on this sunshine. Yes CAB will be able to help you figure out financials. this website is also useful. Please post again if you need any advice. Good luck.

Crinkle77 Wed 01-May-13 16:15:41

You have already said that you feel lonely within this relationship so don't see how it will make much of a difference being single. Rather you will be free of the contraints of being in an unhappy marriage and will be able to get on with your life

JennyMackerz Wed 01-May-13 16:11:35

oh my god :-0 at your mother racing to tell your H what's going on in your head at the moment! She has no respect for you.

I hope that you get the support you need from friends.

MumnGran Wed 01-May-13 15:00:36

Hi Sunshine (what a great way to start a reply, or the day or .... :-) )

I have been single for seven years, after a very long marriage, and actually think you have to learn to live alone and single before you should contemplate jumping back into a relationship. I suspect your mother didn't manage this .....given her reasons for you not leaving your marriage.

1 ) Its OK to sit in front of the TV in the evening - if it makes you relaxed, calm and happy. I love TV nights :-) if you don't enjoy it, then you will fill your evenings with things you do enjoy .....internet surfing, reading, all the things you never find time to do when you have a partner.

1. (part 2) Do I feel lonely? actually the only time that happens is when I have been to a big social event, and there is no-one at home to discuss it with in the aftermath. So, I suppose the answer is once in a blue moon and it lasts for 10 minutes. The dogs jumping all over me to say hello rather cures the miseries!!

2. Did I lose friends. Well one, whose husband tried it on when he came around to "help" with a plumbing problem. Otherwise, existing friends have been brilliant. I would say that, when I moved, some new contact women have been very, very watchful when their husbands are around ....but they are the ones with the problem, not me. Invitations to dinner may be awkward as singles upset table plans but I had a bigger problem with friends trying to set me up because the world doesn't overly like us to be happy in a single state.

3. If a man doesn't want you because you have children .... then he is not a man you would want :-)

4. I have NEVER, EVER regretted leaving my marriage ..... even when it was really tough financially. I would have lived in a tent with nothing, rather than stay.

And perhaps that is where the true answer lies. If you are truly unhappy, then anything is better than staying where you are.
If one is still in love and been left, or is just feeling "grass might be greener ...", then perhaps your mothers view of life alone may come into play.

Only you know why you want to leave.

B x

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