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Single? The truth.....

(84 Posts)
Sunshineandflowers Tue 30-Apr-13 17:13:17

I have a thread on AIBU at the moment about the way my mum has reacted to me telling her I am thinking of leaving DH. Basically she has told me how awful being single is (she was for about 18 months) so I would really appreciate anybody who can verify the following claims:

That it's soul destroyingly lonely sitting on own all evening and weekend
That all my friends will become convinced I will steal their DHs and will not want to know me.
That every man I meet won't want to know me as I have children.
That I will regret every day leaving DH.

Apparently I need to make more effort, go on "date nights" etc. Despite the fact I have been unhappy for 10 years.

So is that dire on the other side. Did you leave and wish you'd stayed?

CabbageLeaves Wed 01-May-13 07:05:55

I was incredibly lonely when married.
I have never regretted leaving him. Never.
I have regretted staying so long. One life and all that.
I did have one woman say something along the lines of 'you want to watch her' about me to a friend who is was stood chatting to at the time because I cycled with her husband. To this day I never knew if she was serious or not but I think she was. Friend and I giggled about it later that evening. Otherwise it's never been a problem.
I'm not sure my DH wanted a woman with DC so I can see this could happen... But frankly I wouldn't want them!

Am I happy? Yes yes yes.

I dropped DD off at club last night, plugged in my iPod and walked the dog somewhere nice. It was lovely. I felt peaceful and happy. Very few days in my marriage (at the end) when that was true

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 01-May-13 07:17:40

"Just realised that there is a good chance my mother will contact DH to tell him."

So use that as motivation to do something about your situation and beat her to it. Get informed, get support, get a plan together and, in the meantime, articulate to him just why he's such a crap husband. I know that sounds like bridge-burning but at least you'll feel like you're getting somewhere.

fuzzywuzzy Wed 01-May-13 07:20:42

Coming from a culture which frowns upon divorce I can categorically say non of what your mother says is true.

I've had so much fun being single again and re-discovering the me that I had lost.

I barely if ever have time on my own, which I spend doing things I enjoy. I actually enjoy my own own company too (it's not impossible, I'm a lovely person!), but mostly I have friends with crazy schemes and my time is swept up in helping them out or enjoying being with my children, my girls and I have a fantastic and very close relationship because we are our own little world.

Not a single one of my friends has ever displayed any sign of fear that I will steal their husband/partner, many have been utterly delighted and tried to marry me off to their male relatives, apparently I come in the category of the sister they always wanted and can now have thro marriage!

I have never been short of offers, and the fact I have children doesn't bother anyone. I've met men who have never been married and have no children and who are still interested in me even tho I'm divorced and have children. I wouldnt be interested in anyone who had objections to the above frankly.

I thank god every day I left ex, wish I had done it sooner, we have a happier lighter household because of it.

CabbageLeaves Wed 01-May-13 07:39:34

My post should have made it clear its the man I don't want..not the DC.

Fuzzy. That's exactly what I was thinking last night as I was on my own. I was relishing my aloneness and wondering if this made me odd but realised I like myself so liking my own company is inevitable. It's also a really good feeling being happy on your own

Sunshineandflowers Wed 01-May-13 09:27:31

I think mum will more likely tell DH about her suggestions for date nights and how selfish I am for always putting the children before him. They should have a lovely chat about that.

Right I've photocopied mortgage statement and his pay slips. Found details of savings accounts. Now to book an appointment with the CAB, I presume that's the best route? Find out what I'm entitled to, I have no idea what I can get. I'd rather walk away with nothing but I have 3 DCs to consider!!

FreckledLeopard Wed 01-May-13 09:34:38

So, I was a single mother for the first eight years of DD's life. Then met DH. Got married. Realised it was a big mistake and split a year ago. Now just DD and I again.

In those years I have learnt:

Being single can occasionally be lonely. However, I relish having time to myself, I work full-time, so evenings and weekends are great for me to chill out, hang out with DD, see friends, see family. Lonliness really is not an issue for me.

There are some people in this world who do, for reasons best known to them, think that single mothers are predatory females who want to steal their husbands. However, such people are generally twattish and if they truly think that, then they're not real friends. Some of my best friends are married and totally normal and do not see me as a threat.

Similarly, some guys aren't keen on dating women with children. But then again, hypocritically, I'm not keen on dating men with children, even though I have a child myself.

I have no regrets about leaving DH. It was tough at the time, but the lonliness and misery I felt in that marriage was far, far worse than any unhappiness I've felt being single. I am so glad that we broke up - I'm so, so much happier now than I was being married. Staying in an unhappy marriage is soul-destroying.

Good luck!

littlemisssarcastic Wed 01-May-13 09:43:26

shock at your mother OP!

Nowstrong Wed 01-May-13 10:07:50

Dear OP, I left an extremely lonely 30 odd year marriage and have not looked back. My evenings can sometimes be lonely but I can do something about that now. I am so much happier. I cannot thank Mumsnet enough, even though a lurker, it opened my eyes and I found the strength to leave. I would especially like to thank Anyfucker and CogitoErgoSometimes for their advice to others, which I took.
OK so I have lost some "friends" but I have found so many new ones. I've even got a sex life now (couldn't remember what that was...).
To stay will destroy you. That would be a pity for your children. If you blossom, so will they.
I have rediscovered my children and family, or perhaps I should say the opposite. They have found that I do exist.
Time goes by too quickly. Get your soul back. Get your life back.
I wish you well.

SundaysGirl Wed 01-May-13 10:41:50

Just to echo everyone else - It is a thousand times worse being in a loveless, unfulfilling relationship than it is being single

I love living just me and my son. Actually to the point where I think I've deliberately stayed away from anything that has the remotest chance of turning into a situation where I have a live-in partner (but thats a whole other story).

Honestly it's really lovely having your own space and the freedom to do what you want. And I do not miss the endless negotiations about what to eat for dinner or when to go food shopping or what time to go to bed blah blah blah.

I did notice when my son first started going to kids birthday parties some of the other mums would always come up when I was in a conversation with their husband but that tailed off very quickly when they saw I was just friendly and in no way flirtatious. Thats really the only (and very mild) example I could think of that relates to the fear of husbands hitting on you / being seen as a potential husband stealer.

MumnGran Wed 01-May-13 15:00:36

Hi Sunshine (what a great way to start a reply, or the day or .... :-) )

I have been single for seven years, after a very long marriage, and actually think you have to learn to live alone and single before you should contemplate jumping back into a relationship. I suspect your mother didn't manage this .....given her reasons for you not leaving your marriage.

1 ) Its OK to sit in front of the TV in the evening - if it makes you relaxed, calm and happy. I love TV nights :-) if you don't enjoy it, then you will fill your evenings with things you do enjoy .....internet surfing, reading, all the things you never find time to do when you have a partner.

1. (part 2) Do I feel lonely? actually the only time that happens is when I have been to a big social event, and there is no-one at home to discuss it with in the aftermath. So, I suppose the answer is once in a blue moon and it lasts for 10 minutes. The dogs jumping all over me to say hello rather cures the miseries!!

2. Did I lose friends. Well one, whose husband tried it on when he came around to "help" with a plumbing problem. Otherwise, existing friends have been brilliant. I would say that, when I moved, some new contact women have been very, very watchful when their husbands are around ....but they are the ones with the problem, not me. Invitations to dinner may be awkward as singles upset table plans but I had a bigger problem with friends trying to set me up because the world doesn't overly like us to be happy in a single state.

3. If a man doesn't want you because you have children .... then he is not a man you would want :-)

4. I have NEVER, EVER regretted leaving my marriage ..... even when it was really tough financially. I would have lived in a tent with nothing, rather than stay.

And perhaps that is where the true answer lies. If you are truly unhappy, then anything is better than staying where you are.
If one is still in love and been left, or is just feeling "grass might be greener ...", then perhaps your mothers view of life alone may come into play.

Only you know why you want to leave.

B x

JennyMackerz Wed 01-May-13 16:11:35

oh my god :-0 at your mother racing to tell your H what's going on in your head at the moment! She has no respect for you.

I hope that you get the support you need from friends.

Crinkle77 Wed 01-May-13 16:15:41

You have already said that you feel lonely within this relationship so don't see how it will make much of a difference being single. Rather you will be free of the contraints of being in an unhappy marriage and will be able to get on with your life

acceptableinthe80s Wed 01-May-13 16:42:40

Glad to hear you're getting pro-active on this sunshine. Yes CAB will be able to help you figure out financials. this website is also useful. Please post again if you need any advice. Good luck.

wonderingagain Wed 01-May-13 16:53:19

sad Your mother won't help you - this sums it up.

It's compounded by the fact that I now understand why my mum ignored the fact my stepdad abused me, because his life was more of a priority than mine. That's why she stayed married to him because that was more important than leaving him and protecting me.

You will get so much support on here so keep posting. I hope you can soon see this as the beginning of a great journey.

YoniBottsBumgina Thu 02-May-13 08:07:58

(hi garlic - yes it's me smile )

BeCool Thu 02-May-13 10:08:06

So I was preparing for DD2's 2nd birthday last night - baked a cake, prepared the decorations, getting presents wrapped for this morning etc etc and I momentarily felt a little sad that I was doing all this alone.

And then I remembered I did it all on my own pre-split anyway - every birthday, Xmas, holiday etc - it was always down to me to make the preparations, make the plans, get everything together, do the shopping etc. If I asked ExP to help he'd huff and puff, but insist he was involved, but not do anything until absolutely the last minute - causing lots of stress for all. He'd ask for my help as 'he didn't have enough time' etc etc. It was a huge pain in the arse, caused lots of stress, and I ended up doing everything anyway. It was easier not to ask - and then he would ask 10pm on the night before - is there anything I can do?

So the same feelings of loneliness in and out of the relationship, but now I don't have the feelings of stress, harassment and disappointment caused by him continually opting out.

fromparistoberlin Thu 02-May-13 10:30:47

"I now understand why my mum ignored the fact my stepdad abused me,

sweetheart, her advice is not worth SHIT

I understand your fears, and only you can decide. but being single is NOT the end of the world, and agree that for every single woman, there is a single man (unless muntiple marriages have swelled). OK its a 51 to 49% rate, bit have faith

dont listen to her, listen to what you want

Sunshineandflowers Thu 02-May-13 12:53:30

It's so difficult. It's like I'm continually weighing things up.

So last night he did some ironing for me (job not home stuff). Which is really good isn't it? But he was rude about dinner "why exactly are we having this??" Then no further conversation for the entire evening apart from one word answers or grunts. Then one of the DC was ill so I had to squash into her bed because if I take her in our (king size) it disturbs his sleep. I just keep looking at him and thinking how much I don't like him.

garlicyoni Thu 02-May-13 12:59:42

I don't like him, either!

Honestly, how is this difficult? You are living with - sharing your space with, sleeping with - a person you don't like, and who is rude to you.

Did somebody tell you to do this? To put yourself through it, inflict a grumpy home environment on your children, to tolerate insult? If so, what do you think of their opinion?

JennyMackerz Thu 02-May-13 13:05:18

Sunshine, I used to write lists endlessly. pros of staying, pros of leaving. And then, cons of staying, cons of leaving. I stared at the clear evidence telling me to leave and just re-jigged the questions slightly. don't OVER analyse it. You're not happy with him. You don't like it. To hell with the ironing and the dinner, ykwim.

Fluffycloudland77 Thu 02-May-13 13:07:29

When sil left her oh she got £500 a month in tax credits etc, it really helped her though a tight spot.

Plus free prescriptions and dental.

wordyBird Thu 02-May-13 13:08:47

Yes, to garlic and Jenny's posts!
Add me to the list because I don't like him either. sad
Life can be better, starting today.

Lweji Thu 02-May-13 14:32:33

he did some ironing for me

Your clothes, or his?

(I don't like him either, BTW)

Sunshineandflowers Thu 02-May-13 14:43:34

Neither! I do ironing as a job to earn a bit of money. Admittedly it's "my money" in that it goes on the odd coffee/ice creams for the DC etc, so it was genuinely a favour he did for me.

Lovingfreedom Thu 02-May-13 14:51:12

1. no - plenty of things to do to pass the time.
2. er...maybe very slightly with some (insecure) people, but not generally. Probably less invitations to do coupley things...but how much would you really miss those anyway?
3. definitely not. Most guys realise that women of my age (not sure how old you are) are quite likely to have kids. Either they have them too...or they are fine with yours (or if they're not interested in kids they might avoid you. hasn't happened to me)
4. Nope! Definitely not!

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