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letting go of friends....views and advice please

(6 Posts)
bugslife Tue 30-Apr-13 17:09:59

I have a couple of friends whom I have always considered very good / best friends, were very close, doing things together, nights out etc but since having children, have just been disappointed at the lack of friendship and support.

In the early years, I was always not doing quite as well as them, did not own my own home, lacklustre love life but suddenly, I met DP, bought a house, two kids. They are both single.

I used to live ten minutes walk from them both DP and I had to move away to afford a place, though only four miles in another part of town. This means when I had DC1, I didn’t know anybody and had no support (both parents being deceased and family too far away or not interested). They came to see me once.

A couple of years after DC1 I had a miscarriage, which I told them about (two other good friends knew and were supportive. ) They never asked me how I was afterwards, not a text or a call, nothing. This really hurt, because I was having a horrible time.

When DC2 arrived, again, no visit, I eventually suggested lunch so they could meet her.

They have turned up at birthdays when invited with presents but mostly, (there have been exceptions ie BBQs, dinners were I am one of a larger group maybe once a year) I do not see them unless I instigate it.

I had a bereavment earlier in the year, I told them, but did not hear anything from them. Not even how was the funeral, how are you. I did text one friend as we were due to meet up (yep, you guessed it, I suggested!) and said I was strugging and she just said ‘you can always call me’ . When she had a bereavement I sent a card asked how she was doing, checked she was ok, asked after family. I have not heard from her since as our meet up was cancelled.

I am due to see them this weekend, meant to be just the three of us for a proper catch up (I have not seem them since Xmas) and hear that one of them have invited a couple of people whom she is good friends with but who are not my friends. (I know them, but only se them at functions) DP thinks I should just go and it’s a night out but I find it real hard work talking to them, they are nice, but given I go out once in a blue moon, not people I want to sit and have dinner with . I don’t want to go, and am realising how hurt that they don’t see seeing me as a priority.

I should add that I do not talk about my children as I know it is not interesting for others to hear and once they congratulated me for 'being chilled and not banging on about it' . Thing is, once when i did say I was having a had time after DC2 and and life was a hellish, they still weren't interested.

I think I see these relationships as more important than they do. Part of it for me is that they have known me for so long, they knew me before children and I still like to hold on to part of me that was pre children when I see them, I’m still cerealqueen to them, not only known as ‘minicerealqueen’s mum’.

Do I expect too much? Is it time just to let these friends go, in that we have grown apart too much?

Thanks for reading this far.

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 30-Apr-13 17:49:33

The way I see it is that we cycle through friends according to different phases in our life. Very few make it from start to finish. Mostly we're friendly with people we have something in common with ... college, workplace, kids, an interest.... and when that commonality disappears, the friendship weakens. So if you were in the mortgage, DH and two kids phase and they were still doing the young, free and single bit then you overtook them.

Consign them to occasional meet-ups and the Xmas card list. There may be a point in the future when you have a lot in common again but, in the meantime, make new friends that are on the same page as you already.

Fairydogmother Tue 30-Apr-13 17:57:11

A lot of what you've said rang true with me. I think that there are v few friends that you manage to hang onto through the years and most seem to fade away when circumstances change.

You've clearly made more of an effort than they have but I don't think it's getting you anywhere. If you don't feel comfortable with other people being there this weekend then don't go as you'll just feel worse. Maybe time to withdraw a bit and try to make new friends - tho I know that's easier said than done! I don't seem to make friends easily and it can be hard striking up new relationships.

You'd make someone else a fab friend tho! You never know - withdrawing a bit might make one of them wake up and bit and realise they've lost you and make more effort.

Mumsyblouse Tue 30-Apr-13 18:01:30

I think Cogito's advice is good, you don't necessarily have to 'let go' forever, but perhaps just keep in contact the odd time through email/texting and go to group stuff, but no, they don't sound like close friends particularly.

I do have old friends I see rarely due to us both having children/families and living at opposite ends of the country, I don't speak with them much, but if one of them is having a hard time I really try to up the phone calls, plus if we do get the chance to meet up, we always take it and it feels like we have seen each other yesterday. I don't think it sounds like these friends fall into this category as they live pretty close and they haven't been there for you through several life crises, so perhaps until they have their own children/you reconnect, don't chase them for meet-ups.

And for this night out if you don't get on with some of the girls, just don't go,

bugslife Tue 30-Apr-13 20:27:37

Some good advice. It is unlikely these friends will have their own children as I just managed to have two before hitting 45 and they are older then me so there will always be this imbalance. I know they both feel sad about this, hence me keeping baby chat to a minimum.

I've been having a really hard time of late so was looking forward to a real good girly chat and getting some advice and that won't be possible now...and I'm thinking now if they care so little about prioritising time with me, do I want to confide in them?

Thanks for those kind words Fairydogmother

The two people on this night out are nice, I'd just have to work hard at it and make conversation, which frankly I'd rather not on a rare night out!

Exactly Mumsy they are a few miles up the road. They have nights out and I see the pics on Facebook. Once, they went on a hen do, without me, after me telling them I wasn't getting any emails about it because the email address was an old work one. They assume I'm out of the frame now, despite me saying I still want to be sociable. Partly also that I can't afford fancy restaurants now, and they don't want to slum it at Nando's.

Shall I just refrain from suggesting we meet up ever again and see what happens?

newbiefrugalgal Tue 30-Apr-13 21:17:37

Cancel this weekend.
Step back and see what happens.
You've put enough effort in over the years, they may realise they may not but worth funding out.
You have enough friends now that you are happy with?

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