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what's wrong with me?? kick up the a*** or handholding please!

(7 Posts)
whatshewants Tue 30-Apr-13 15:13:28

SBXH, left family home after breackdown (?), Alchol misuse and needed wn space...OW within weeks and found out later was around before we married. Last few years have been really tough, I thought we were working together, it now seems he checked out long ago. So why can I not let go?? He often visits, stays over and socialises with friend s and family and up until recently says he loves me...I know! and hinted that given time would get back together.

\at the moment a row has now resulted in vile texts and anger. I need clousure and he wont talk, always stonewalled. I know I have the power to stop this too, but have tried to stay on good terms for DC.

Why do I just give him opportunity after opportunity to hurt me. Its been push me pull me for months. But when things go wrong in his life he contacts straight away...andI helpsad

This isn't love, but I still struggle to image life withour the man I have loved for 13 years.

I want him to talk and let me move on, he wont. I suppose I have to just let it go, any help in how would be really helpful.

TeaMakesItAllPossible Tue 30-Apr-13 15:34:34

I would suggest no more visiting and no more staying over.

Also you need time to socialise with your family and friends without him so remove him from that.

If you have children they can have their access time with him away from your space and your life.

You don't need him to talk to move on. You need boundaries, and your own space, to allow you to move on from this relationship.

You deserve to be treated better.

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 30-Apr-13 15:54:02

"Why do I just give him opportunity after opportunity to hurt me."

Because you're an optimist with a romantic streak. Fatal. You may think he's the best you can do... all you deserve? Either way, you really have to detach from him 100%. He's not your partner, he's not your friend, he's not even a very nice person to hang out with. Focus on making a completely new life for yourself and filling the gap left by him with something much more constructive.

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 30-Apr-13 16:01:06

"I need clousure and he wont talk, always stonewalled."

Know this. You'll never get 'closure' from this person. There will always be unanswered questions, things that aren't said, apologies that aren't made. Wait for closure and you'll still be in this mess 10 years down the track. Reject him completely & stop feeling you have to be mates with some loser just because your DCs contain half his DNA. Be 'civil' from a distance by cutting off his opportunity to abuse you through socialising, texts and phone-calls. Change your phone numbers. Limit information to e-mails only. You will feel 100% better.

BarredfromhavingStella Tue 30-Apr-13 16:01:24

You think you need closure but you're never going to get it from him. Move on & make a lovely new life for you & your DC-you don't need this man.

Dahlen Tue 30-Apr-13 16:17:32

It takes two to make a good relationship. Just as you couldn't make your marriage work just with your own effort, you cannot make the co-parenting arrangement be fair and friendly unless that's what he wants too. And he doesn't. He wants all the good things you provided for him while married with none of the responsibilities.

Accept the fact that you cannot have an amicable relationship with your DCs father. Decide what you want and inform him that this is how it's going to be. Converse only about the DC and only by text or email.

He has to be allowed access to the DC and you shouldn't obstruct his efforts to be involved, but let him do the running, e.g. leave it to him to organise contact events, tell him to contact the school directly for information about parent's evenings, etc.

Then stick to it.

After an initial tantrum you'll probably find that he'll be easier to deal with than ever.

squibb Tue 30-Apr-13 23:11:12

As above he wants all the positive things from you without hassle etc.

It may turn out that you can have a positive relationship with him, but it's going to be a different one, as ex partners, and it's not going to happen overnight. All the time you engage with him in ways similar to when you were together it will encourage him to think that he can continue the current convenient setup.

So you are going to have to be much more distant, formal yet polite. And it might not hurt to find a way to explain all this to him, he might throw it back at you and be unpleasant, which case not much hope for closer relationship in distant future, or might be very reasonable and reluctantly agree it's all for the best, in which case he might be a positive thing in the lives of you and your DC in years to come.

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