How best to deal with false friends?

[nerofiend]

I?ve just realised that a group of three friends I had from my twenties, and very dear to me, are just a hypocritical, lying and gossiping lot.

I told them in the past quite private stuff about my life, and they used it to gossip among themselves, ask me prying questions to obtain more information about my life and spread unfounded rumours about me among people who know me.

One of them lied quite blatantly to me when she went with all her family to my other friend?s wedding in Sweden, and claimed she paid for all the airplane fares and related costs, when the reality was that the bride paid everything for everyone herself. I think the bride wanted the world to see what good friends she?s got that are willing to spend all that money on her wedding. I know for sure my other friend hasn?t got the means to pay for all that herself.

None of them came to my wedding abroad even though I wouldn?t have expected it as I know they are not rich.

I?ve distanced myself enough, but I?m still in touch. Should I just drop all of them at once? Shall I keep them as Xmas card friends?

The truth is, I?m very upset and angry at what they?ve done, and hearing from them or contacting them doesn?t bring me any joy at all. Quite the opposite.

I fear that I will be cut off from a very important part of my life if we?re not friends any more. Maybe it?s also the fear of being forgotten for ever, and being as a result more lonely. I feel really sad about this whole situation.

I honestly don?t know what to do.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

Keep them as Xmas card friends if you can be bothered. Drop them all together if it makes you feel better. If you are questioned why you're not in touch don't be frightened to articulate it rather than think you have to keep schtum. Then work on making new friends... proper ones that don't gossip about you or exclude you from events.

[nerofiend]

Thanks, Cogito. Sound advice. I actually borrowed the term Xmas card friend from you. Thought it was spot on!

I think I just lost the strength to make new friends at the moment. Had so many dissapointments lately.

All best

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

So enjoy independence for a while... Consign the Ugly Sisters and this 'very important part of your life' to the past, have a think about what you want to do going forward and then launch yourself back on society new and improved.

BTW... you say you had these friends from your twenties. I don't know how old you are now but I've noticed that friendships often 'arrest' and people tend to treat you the way you were when you first met. If you were all silly young things and you were the 'spare girl' from the outset they'll always see you as such. If you're now older, wiser, more assured... any new friends you make will treat you that way instead.

[nerofiend]

It's funny. When people talk about friends, it's always on terms "the ones who are always there for you", "my constant rock", etc etc.

The reality for has been quite brutal, though. Most of my females friends from my twenties were false, envious, gossipy, unreliable, narcissistics etc

In fact, the only solid rock so far turned out to be my DH in the end. So much for "girl power" :(

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

I probably shouldn't say this, what with being a feminist and all, but gender is no guarantee of a nice personality :) I think I have just two 'rock' type friends. The rest are pleasant enough but that's as far as it goes...

[nerofiend]

I also only two really good friends that I made in my thirties. I'm forty, now btw.

Maybe it's just the way life goes... :)

[Sianilaa]

I've been in this position. These friends don't make you pleased to see them, they sound like they cause you grief and upset. They are not friends and you will be happier without them in your life. I would cut them off altogether and look forward, not back. I felt like a weight had been lifted. Don't let people treat you badly. X

[JustinBsMum]

Mind you people age and things change. I am friendly again, after many years, with people who we all bitched and gossiped about at the time (each other ifyswim). Think it was possibly caused by bored SAHM syndrome.

We actually do, after all this time, have a laugh when we occasionally get together.

[Lazyjaney]

They're not really friends now OP, time to make new friends so these ones and their doings mean less to you.