Why does my DP allow his "child" to treat him like dirt?

[ItsRainingOutside]

Advised to re-post this in relationships.

My DP has a 30 year old daughter who lives with him (yes, I know). She recently created a situation where she stopped speaking to him for 4 weeks and he did absolutely nothing about it. Today, she came into the house while I was on the phone to him and I suggested perhaps now would be a good time to sit her down and find out why she was being like this and maybe try to sort things out. Perhaps it's something he can help her with but imo, she's just being an attention seeking brat. He called me back to say "oh, she just started talking to me like nothing was wrong so I'll just get back to work". What makes me so angry is that she pays him £30 a week for all her food and utilities, she has 4 horses and a dog which she just leaves him to look after and when he asks her to do something for him, she either refuses or makes a big song and dance about it. In every other life situation he's strong, opinionated, won't stand for any nonsense etc. but with her, he just lets her walk all over him. We are selling our houses with the intention of moving in together (not with the daughter I hasten to add) but to be honest, I'm beginning to see a very weak side to his character that I don't particularly like. I have my own dd who is 12 and he has plenty to say when she goes into a strop but can't seem to take his own advice. What can I possibly say to him that I haven't said already to drag him out of this cycle?

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

After 30 years of creating 'Veruca Salt', I don't think you're going to get anywhere at all encouraging him to change tack. How on earth has he persuaded her to not join you when you move in together? Where's she going to live with horses, dogs etc for £30/week? That would bother me a lot, frankly ... I'd want to see her physically in a flat of her own or at least have an exclusion order in writing :)

[ItsRainingOutside]

She's moving to an inner city flat with her boyfriend soon (he's worth a whole thread of his own). She is attempting to rehome the horses - her choice. Her dad, however, is trying to discourage her from going with this nobody and is twanging her conscience about giving up her rural dream. Truth is, her and the boyfriend are like two peas in a pod, dp just can't see it. He still thinks of her as a child and boy does she take advantage of it. He's all happy today because she's speaking to him and my head is about to spin off!!! The exclusion order is a fantastic idea ....

[QuintessentialOHara]

I can see why you are starting to lose respect for a man that meddles and strops with his adult daughter.

I would not move in with him until you have seen how his daughters relationship pans out.

I bet he would prefer to have her living with you all, where he can get a real say in her life.

[WhiteBirdBlueSky]

I don't think he's likely to change.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

"Her dad, however, is trying to discourage her from going with this nobody"

My big fear - if I was about to commit to moving in with this man - is that he succeeds. Guarantee someone that spoilt and under that much pressure won't take to independent living too readily and you could find yourself with a permanent freeloader lodger by Christmas. Yikes...

[ItsRainingOutside]

Thanks Cognito and that's my fear. He says he can't wait to be rid of the responsibility of her but when she goes, he wants her to be with a nice respectable man living a nice respectable life. She just isn't cut out for it. That's the bit he can't see. She's going nowhere, with the wrong guy and she absolutely wants to make the journey.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

I have visions of you being a sort of cross between Gok Wan and Kirsty Allsopp... frantically assisting & encouraging Veruca as she sets up home, picking out curtain fabric, cooing over her bathroom fittings and helping her along that journey - with a cattle-prod if necessary.

In my own family there is/was a Veruca Salt. She left her lovely but indulgent parents to get married not once but twice, couldn't hack it in the real world, and ended up back with them until they expired...

[ItsRainingOutside]

Cognito. First para made me laugh out loud. Second one made me almost burst into tears.

You know what, it's a lovely day. I'm going to make myself a mojito and a cheese sandwich and sit out in the garden, trying to forget all about it until another day!!

Btw, met Gok Wan and he's a lovely, good looking man. Good or bad, I am more Kirsty Allsopp but without the accent!

[virgilsmuse]

If you could stomach it, I'd suggest really talking it out. Not laying blame particularly, but perhaps drawing out the comparison between how he sees your and his daughters.

[SquinkiesRule]

I think I would be very hesitant to move in together. What happens when/if she breaks up with her BF and she wants to go back to life as normal paying £30 a week in Daddy's house.
More planning and talking is needed.

[Xales]

God don't sell your house, give up your independence and move in with him.

She is 30. Chances of her changing are slim to none. He brought her up. He was in part responsible for shaping her.

He has plenty to say about your 12 year old and nothing to say about his 30 year old.

Living together would be a potential hell on earth for your DD.

I suggest leaving it to see how his DD survives with her BF for at least a year if not more before you consider this.

[ItsRainingOutside]

Thanks everyone. I'm going to talk to him about it tomorrow and have decided if his response means we can't move forward because he'll always put her first, regardless of how she treats him, then that's it. As much as I absolutely adore him, I can just envisage a situation in the future when I'm saddled with her and her nasty ways and I can't commit to him on that basis.

[perfectstorm]

Is he nice to your daughter? I appreciate he treats the two daughters very differently, but does he treat your child well, objectively, and respect her place in your life and her own home? Or are there concerns there as well?

Perhaps as importantly, what is his daughter's attitude to your own?

[Springdiva]

Can DP move in with you, into your two bed apartment (hopefully ), so she can't feel entitled to move back in with DP.

it doesn't bode well I'm afraid.

[cory]

She sounds dreadful but tbh I am not getting a very good impression of your dp either. To want to supervise his 30yo dd's relationship and only let her move in with a nice respectable man is controlling and unhealthy. I would be wary of this man; he has some strange ideas.

[ItsRainingOutside]

Thanks everyone for your input. We've had a long chat about the situation and he has, to my surprise, been thinking long and hard about what do to. I've voiced my opinion about my fears for the future if he continues to allow her to treat him this way. I also suggested that perhaps if he respected her decisions more then perhaps he'd get more in return. We'll see how it works out. He's saying all the right things and I believe he genuinely means it but let's see how he'll cope with the next major catastrophe in her life.