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WWYD or how would you get to know more? (long sorry)

(8 Posts)
betterthanever Mon 29-Apr-13 22:34:56

You may have read some of my other posts about my ex wanting contact with my DS who is 8 and he has never seen him.
I have been posting mainly in legal and seeking legal advice as it was all so new and my ex has taken me to court. I understand the legal side a lot better thanks to wonderful, wonderful advice on here.

What I am after now from you experienced wise people is more general advice about this ex. I know nothing about him and what I do know concerns me but I don't have much concrete evidence and in the legal sense they would probably not care. This man may end up being in my life in one way or another for years. How can I keep sain? find out more info about how his life may affect my DS and how can I best protect my DS?

He was abusive, it went from shouting, smashing things and calling me names to threats of physical violence and he was very manipulative. He ended the relationship and there was no going back as I had only stayed with him as I was in the FOG and pregnant. He has never supported me at all, in any way since the early stages of my pregnancy. He has avoided the CSA for many years in many ways including saying he wasn't the child's father. He hasn't worked for years. I don't know why and I know very little about him as he lives a good 40 or so miles away. I know non of his friends nor family (long story but he doesn't have many anyway).

The case is moving slowly mainly because my ex is struggling (or not putting in any effort really) with indirect contact and my DS is opposed to contact with a stranger and was very upset when he first made contact by just turning up at my house and giving him a present which my DS hated (for reasons I will not bore you with). The court are not happy with the fact the indirect contact is not great but they give him many chances and he is on legal aid and I am not and he knows this will hurt me financially the longer it takes. The court may get fed up.
Legally I know I have to try and establish contact.
I wish I knew more about this person, he has made up a story that he has only just found out he has a son and then contradicted himself many times which the court is aware of.
He once told me he could be very vindictive and if he wants to get back at someone he stops at nothing, I should have believed him. I can't let him use my DS like this but apart from just keep on going slowly with the court case and seeing if more info about him comes up what can I do? Just keep faith in the court system?
The safeguarding checks didn't bring a caution up from the police I thought it would for assault and he has been involved in another cafcass case but I am told for confidentiality reasons (understandably) I can't know about this. I am not aware he has any other children. I don't think he is married.

ImperialBlether Mon 29-Apr-13 22:44:15

Christ. I'd be tempted to emigrate to avoid this nasty piece of work.

Frankly, I think it's disgusting that he has all the rights and you have none. He doesn't pay maintenance and has denied the child is his, yet he has the right to free legal advice and you don't?

I think the more you find out about him, the more you'll wish you hadn't bothered.

Your poor son, being in the middle of this. Are you with another man now that he sees as a father figure?

ImperialBlether Mon 29-Apr-13 22:45:01

Did you call the police out when you were with him, or did you just get out of the situation?

betterthanever Mon 29-Apr-13 23:01:29

Thanks for the replies. I am not with someone else. I was really put off and with working FT and spending much loved time with DS and being very ill when DS was little due to stress, I have left that area of my life to a later date, although I have a number of close male friends who act as male role models for my DS and he takes part in many sporting activities with males coaches.
It hasn't always been like this but we have a good life now and I have pulled things round for us. It is shocking that he has all these rights and I have non - people have been very shocked by the system.
I think you are right about the more I find out... someone at work said the same.
I really wish I had called the police but I didn't want any trouble at the time; I never thought I would be one of those people who would feel like that and not do something. But then no one expects to have someone treat them like this. I thought he would stop. I do have two solicitors letters one of which mentions his threats and they both state that arrangements for DS can be made via them as well as warning him that I would take an injunction out if he continued his threats. He thought it was still fun to be abusive even after he ended the relationship. He never replied to the letters. They were my last communication with him until 8 years later....

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 30-Apr-13 08:15:59

Did you ever call the police about this man? Would he be on record for domestic violence or any other aggressive, threatening behaviour?

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 30-Apr-13 08:18:16

Sorry, just read that there was no caution. Is your solicitor is allowed to know about the other CAFCASS case?

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 30-Apr-13 08:21:11

Another thought. Have you or have you considered meeting your ex? Face to face, look him in the eye kind of thing? As you say, you're going to struggle matching him through the courts if he's determined to take it to the wire. If this is just some vindictive power-trip on his part, if you meet him and show him that you're not frightened, the fun might go out of it for him.

betterthanever Tue 30-Apr-13 10:31:34

cogito I did think about that but as the process is on going legally, I thought if I offered to do that now it would open up for him to contact me again directly and I am confident that, that would put my an DS in a vunerable position. He see's DS as his property, his entitlement as he does with many other aspects of his life. he has always seen himself as a victim. He would justify things he did to me by saying how it wasn't his fault all the time. He did make me feel confused about myself as a person frmo time to time but I see things much mroe clearer now.
Negotiating with him is just impossible - it is his rules or nothing and he can change his own rules at any time too. He feels important having his solicitor and having his court case. I just hope that as the court are loosing patience they may say things to him in front of me that he doesn't like and he looses the fun element that way.
Throughout my pregnancy and in the face of great hostility, I tried to keep in touch with him in a reasonable manner and it just led to an escalation in his abuse. I wish I had reported it to the police but I can't change the past. I thought he would see sence I couldn't understand how anyone could be like this and I was also embarassed.
Friends and family were getting frustrated with me for keep trying to negotiate with him and saw that no matter what I did he was not being reasonable and it was very hurtful and stressful for me. When the threats of violence were witnessed they were firm with me, one actually rang a solicitor about it and that was how the letters ended up being sent. They are very concerned now and do come with me to court and are able to write witness statements if required.
My solicitor is not allowed to know about the other case. I have a new cafcass person this week so I may sue that as an opportunity to mention it again and just say will the judge know about it and should I be concerned?

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