Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Lumbered with OM

(138 Posts)
kenickielovesrizzo Mon 29-Apr-13 20:04:58

Just wondered if this ever happened to anyone. Me and OM mutually split a while back (though I cared deeply for him but he is married with children). Then he calls to say he wants to talk to his wife and wants to reveal all/separate etc. At that point I think it hit me - I could never trust him/would not want to inflict any hurt on wife/children/he is selfish/self obsessed/boring. I have told him not to be so ridiculous and to pull out all the stops to save his marriage since he has children. Up until now I thought I would be ecstatic if he left his wife but this has been a MASS reality check. Glad I had the wake up call, but really hoping he doesn't carry out his plan and I end up lumbered with OM.

akaWisey Mon 29-Apr-13 21:14:22

Have to hide this thread now. Another first.

DontmindifIdo Mon 29-Apr-13 21:15:07

OP - stepping back a bit, you aren't unusual to feel this way once a married man is going to actually leave his wife and it all becomes real - I have a friend who's been the OW twice (that i know of) - both times when it looked like she was really going to "win" she went off them.

She both times has different reasons she gave to her friends, but really it was a combination of enjoying the thrill of the chase/the challenge of pulling a man she couldn't have (particuarly seemed to enjoy making him give up family time for her), and not actually wanting a commited relationship - she will argue otherwise, but never really wants to do the living together, "who's turn is it to put the bins out?" "can you put your dirty pants in the basket!" type relationship - her last one that lasted a long time was with a man who lived at the other end of the country (but unmarried - thankfully) and then she lost interest once he'd started getting job interviews in her town and talking about moving in with her. (I stepped away from her a few years ago and don't know her most recent romantic dramas - we're facebook friends only and she's officially 'single' on there, so could well be the OW again).

First things first, make it clear to him that even if he leaves his DW, you don't want to be together - be very, very, very clear you aren't just testing him, it's over if he leaves her or not. Then cut contact, let him decide what he wants to do.

After that, you might want to assess why you felt the need to go for a man you couldn't have. It obviously wasn't that he's the love of your life, so was it that you were avoiding a relationship that could lead to proper commitment, or that you were enjoying the 'naughtiness', the chase of getting a man you really couldn't have etc... best you look at that before you think about dating anyone else.

LEMisdisappointed Mon 29-Apr-13 21:17:39

You describe him as the OM, does this imply you are married/in a relationship? Do you have children? How did you get invloved with this pillock? He sounds quite weak tbh.

kenickielovesrizzo Mon 29-Apr-13 21:17:44

akaWisey - You have no idea about the extent of my guilt. Sorry you've broken your clean record re: insults - we're not all saints on here then?

Thanks for the bic Shinigami. Sheesh.

DontmindifIdo Mon 29-Apr-13 21:17:56

BTW - do not think for one second that if he does turn up on your doorstep having left his DW, you are under any obligation to take him in and are stuck with him.

You don't have to be with anyone you don't want to be. Don't feel you do.

MadAboutHotChoc Mon 29-Apr-13 21:19:47

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

kenickielovesrizzo Mon 29-Apr-13 21:22:07

Hi Dontmind - and THANKS for the post - it is really helpful. I know why I got into it and contrary to the beliefs on this thread it was for extremely complex reasons while I was very vulnerable/at an all time low - I will not go into details for fear of 'woe is me' insults that will no doubt come my way. Honestly thanks for the advice.

LEM - I got the abbreive wrong - he is MM - i am single.

MadAboutHotChoc Mon 29-Apr-13 21:23:20

Then you should be addressing your own issues instead of wrecking other people's lives to make you feel better.

QuintessentialOHara Mon 29-Apr-13 21:25:48

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

devilinme Mon 29-Apr-13 21:26:12

OP you have entered the arena of the self-righteous where OW is a dirty word. It brings them all out.

kenickielovesrizzo Mon 29-Apr-13 21:27:57

thanks for the moral devilinme! Every time i refresh i'm getting palpitations!

AuntieStella Mon 29-Apr-13 21:29:06

It's the basic alignment with those who will be the unwitting victims of the affair (DCs and faithful spouse), rather than with the perpetrators.

Bit like I sympathise with the victims of a mugging than with the mugger and co-conspirator. And mugging is much, much easier to get over than infidelity.

Leverette Mon 29-Apr-13 21:29:13

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

devilinme Mon 29-Apr-13 21:29:37

Don't fret, there are plenty of lurkers who won't post yet understand

kenickielovesrizzo Mon 29-Apr-13 21:32:39

thanks Leverette and devilinme - i really appreciate your understanding and never wanted to come across as the classic OW selfish slut stereotype but it appears I have.

devilinme Mon 29-Apr-13 21:34:57

Most OW are stereotyped here, its the rules of engagement

AnyFucker Mon 29-Apr-13 21:35:01

It was the tone of the original post that was waaaaay off.

Almost joking, certainly no thought for anyone but herself. It's not going to go down well on a site like this, and nor should it.

And now Op is acting like a victim because of a few harsh words from strangers. You couldn't make it up.

Shlurpbop Mon 29-Apr-13 21:36:40

Anyone ever read that book "Getting rid of Matthew"?

Think the OP has decided to use the plot of that book as an idea for a post.

If not, maybe you should read it OP - get some tips.

AuntieStella Mon 29-Apr-13 21:38:09

You are much closer to that stereotype than you want to think. The pattern of the affair, whether you are erring spouse or OM/OW, is depressingly familiar and facing up to the realisation that yo haven't done something special or unique may be an important part of the process if you don,t want to be a serial OW.

This website, Baggage Reclaim, might make interesting reading for you.

devilinme Mon 29-Apr-13 21:38:44

so much for an open forum, where one can come for advice flaming from the pious

QuintessentialOHara Mon 29-Apr-13 21:39:13

I think the OP did a pretty good job of stereotyping herself here, she did not need any of us, or our "imagination" to achieve that.

I am just waiting for the lurkers to come out of the woodwork and do a merry dance with op in delight that they too shagged and shunned, as they got a last minute light bulb moment. hmm

devilinme Mon 29-Apr-13 21:39:50

don't bother with Baggage Reclaim, Shirley Glass et al....

QuintessentialOHara Mon 29-Apr-13 21:40:05

devilinme, did you join purely to support the op?

AnyFucker Mon 29-Apr-13 21:40:17

Sometimes the best advice is not soothing words, but a mirror held up.

Trill Mon 29-Apr-13 21:41:12

I have read that book, now you mention it.

I think I wanted to give the woman a bit of a slap. Or at least a good talking-to.

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now »

Already registered? Log in with: