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Is he really just out running?

(20 Posts)
orangedigger Mon 29-Apr-13 19:04:54

Ok, this is my first post and I would like your opinions really.

I have been with my partner for two years, I knew him as a friend for two years before that but I was in a relationship that was abusive and I was cheated on. I am fairly wealthy, have my own home and grown up children, he is divorced with small children who stay with us every other weekend plus weekdays.

He does not very much and doesn't contribute really financially to the household although he does loads of practical thingsthat would cost us a lot iyswim.

I love him a lot and until a couple of months ago we were very much in love.

My youngest daughter lives here atm but will leave home at some point in the near future. She is a lovely but quite intense girl and has had a go at my DP a couple of times in the last few months.

He has changed towards me blaming her and the atmosphere at home although she tries to aplogise and he just stonewalls her.

The atmosphere at home now is horrible and he has said that if she doesn't go he will which she doesn't deserve. I have said that it isn't reasonable to be so down on me because of the relationship between them; I do get angy with her and he knows this and I do try to ask him to see that she is a stroppy 20 year old and it isn't personal, but he doesn't accept it.

He has also taken up running and changed his habits recently; for example we no longer go together into a certain area of towm, he has lost weight and will not put off his running dates for anything.

My gut feeling says he either is attracted to or wants to be with someone else and everything else is an excuse. For him to leave would be hard as he is reliant on me financially and his children love it here.

I have no access to his phone or anything else and he has already accused me of spying on him even though I really hadn't left the house.

Sorry for this to be so long but I miss the man I fell in love with and feel our days are numbered but just want to check that it is not my paranoia having been cheated on in the past.

Thank you for reading

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe Mon 29-Apr-13 19:31:25

Well whether he's cheating on you or wants to cheat on you isn't really the issue, I think. If you believe that he's with you for financial reasons then he needs to leave. You have an imbalance in your relationship and that will never change whilst you feel the way you do - and believe that he feels the way he does.

As for your stroppy 20 year old; she has no excuse for her behaviour, she's not a young girl, she's an adult. It is more her home than his though and his children liking your home is no reason to keep him.

Read back your post and remove yourself from the situation; what would you advise a friend to do in this scenario? My advice to you would be that he moves out to his own place and you see how you feel then. If he wants to be with you he will make the effort to still see you. If not, you have your answer but don't financially prop up a partner who has no investment in your relationship or in you.

TuttiFrutti Mon 29-Apr-13 19:36:28

I think your gut reaction is right.

Doha Mon 29-Apr-13 20:05:37

Trust your instinct...
How dare he demand that your DD has to leave or he will. If he had said that to me he would have been out on his arse in seconds.
He is using you.

Isityouorme Mon 29-Apr-13 20:05:47

As soon as he said you must choose between him and your dd I would ave shown him the door.

BasilBabyEater Mon 29-Apr-13 20:44:54

He sounds like an entitled cock-lodger.

Trust your instincts. They're usually right.

His refusal to accept your DD's apologies and build bridges with her is abysmal behaviour and by itself is enough to get rid of him IMO.

Sparklyboots Mon 29-Apr-13 20:53:55

My DSF said something along the same lines to my DM. For context, I'm 36 and don't live with them. DSF said she should tell me where to get off, or he was leaving (after 32 yrs marriage). She didn't blink, just said,"See you, then," to him. He didn't leave- or ask her again.

BriansBrain Mon 29-Apr-13 21:29:49

I also say trust your instincts. In what way did he accuse you of snooping? He sounds like he is waiting for it to all come to blows.

It is a very easy excuse to blame you, family members - anyone but him for his behaviour and by blaming your daughter it could be a smoke screen to use some of his feelings over his own guilt?

Xroads Mon 29-Apr-13 21:34:17

If my dh said he'd leave if my dd didn't he would be gone!

There is your answer.

OrWellyAnn Mon 29-Apr-13 22:23:53

Never ever let a mans jealousy drive a wedge between you and your children. They'll never forget it and you may not be able to repair that betrayal with them.

arsenaltilidie Mon 29-Apr-13 23:32:36

He needs to go.
Ultimatum between him or your daughter...
Would he be saying she needs to go if it was his daughter, i doubt it.

thenightsky Mon 29-Apr-13 23:49:57

Cocklodger by the sound of it. Perhaps your DD has already told him he is.

OurPlanetNeptune Tue 30-Apr-13 00:02:11

Never ever let a mans jealousy drive a wedge between you and your children. They'll never forget it and you may not be able to repair that betrayal with them.

This^^ and he is a cocklodger and you think he is cheating on you.

I cannot believe you are still with this man after he gave you the ultimatum.

AnyFucker Tue 30-Apr-13 00:05:40

If some bloke made threats to leave if my own dd didn't, he would be out the door so fast his feet wouldn't touch the ground

What are you thinking ???

BOF Tue 30-Apr-13 00:10:44

He is taking the piss. You don't actually need a reason beyond being fed up to tell him to sling his hook.

bettycocker Tue 30-Apr-13 08:03:08

He is a cocklodger and your children should always come first.

Is he cheating? Maybe, maybe not. Lots of people lose weight and rigidly stick to their exercise routine and they do that purely for themselves.

You do need to get shot of him though, regradless of whether he is cheating.

orangedigger Fri 03-May-13 06:12:21

Hello, thank you for your messages and advice and sorry not to get back but Ineeded to think. So to update I tried talking with him but got nowhere, he was still blaming his detachment from me on my daughter and his relationship even though she was away.

I told him to leave before I picked her up from the station on Wednesday. I found his hidden phone bills when I got back and sure enough there were hundreds of texts and calls to the same number. I phoned it and it turns out to be the woman I suspected (62 year old, he's 36?)

He insists there is no affair and it is a friendship that got out of hand - he is staying with her at the moment as he has nowhere else he says.

I am gutted, somewher in me is a slight sense of relief that I wasn't going mad. But I can't eat or sleep or concentrate on anything and feel sick churning stomach all the time. I am so, so angry, his children 3 and 6stay with us every othr weekend, they were due this evening. I have known them since they were tiny and they adore me and me them. I will miss them and I am worried for them and I miss what we had until all this -

I loved him to bits. Sorry I am rambling just don't really know what to do with all these emotions.

Thank you for listenng to me

TheSherrif Fri 03-May-13 06:48:35

Didn't want to read & run but I have to go to work...but I'm sending you love for the day ahead. Baby steps get you through, try to focus on one thing at a time. Life will improve once the fog clears & you don't have to deal with his nonsense anymore. Better days are ahead.xx

MadAboutHotChoc Fri 03-May-13 07:39:51

So sorry. What a bastard he is, blaming your DD and making you choose between him and DD when all along he was having an affair.

Be kind to yourself and get real life support from friends and family.

ScarletWomanoftheVillage Fri 03-May-13 07:58:33

Well done for getting rid of him, op. wonder if the 62 year old woman is wealthy too...

You are better off without him you know. The fact he tried to set it up to blame your dd. however hard work she is, when he was carrying on with this OW, speaks volumes about his character. He was no good.

Sorry, you're still feeling gutted, but this will ease as you start to realise your life will be better without him.

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