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newbie - please help. am I doing the right thing

(5 Posts)
thanksformyboy Mon 29-Apr-13 18:45:35

I've read other threads and you're all so helpful and supportive I'm hoping I'll get the same.

Brief history - my ex and I finally split 6 weeks ago after 19 years together. The relationship has always been very up and down and we were living separately for the last 8 months of our relationship. We have a 2.5 yo ds.

The reason we weren't living together was because he drinks heavily and is a selfish prick when drunk, doesn't care if he wakes whole house or not so I moved out with our son and told him that he wasn't to come round when he was drinking. He said he couldn't stop drinking as he was grieving for his mum who died last year.

I tried to support him but it got to the point where he only came round for an argument and no matter how I tried to avoid them he would goad me until I asked him to leave.

We finally split 6 weeks ago and I find out last week he is seeing a girl 20 years his junior. He then tells me he only got together with her after we split up.

I have been told differently by a lot of different people.

He says he doesn't love her and he's just crashing at her flat because he's having problems with neighbors at his place.

As well as this it has taken me until last week to get him to come and see our son despite me offering to pick him up and even say for taxis (he doesn't drive).

He finally came to see him last Tuesday at mine (because of his drinking I dont trust him to take care of ds and also he's given me season in the past to make me question his parenting)

When he turns up he starts crying saying he's sorry how things have turned out. This other girl is nothing to him its just he knows that we can't work things out.

He then comes on Saturday and turns up an hour late. I left them to it and went out. When I got back I could hear him on phone to her calling her baby and describing what my son was wearing.
I didn't let on I'd heard him but asked him if this relationship was serious, he said no, he didn't love her it is just somewhere to stay.

Over the past couple of days a lot of different people have informed me he's been with her for months.

I'm so angry. Never in all the time we were together did any of us cheat. I I gave him an out a few months ago when I told him it would be better if we split and tried to be friends for ds sake I was sick of the arguing and tbh wanted to shock him into making an effort for us. He said he didnt want to split.
Now after a text row in which he told more lies I have changed my number because it really hurts to hear more lies. I now doubt every word he ever said to me.
Have I done the right thing in changing my number. I won't stop him from seeing ds I just dont want to hear any more lies. He doesn't take much interest in ds who is autistic anyway and its always been me pushing him to be a father

Sorry for the long thread but any replies would be most welcome x

Moanranger Mon 29-Apr-13 18:56:22

He is an alcoholic; that fact should be foremost in every decision you make, including how, when, wher & if you leave your DS with him. You appear to have a co-dependent relationship with him, meaning you do a lot of stuff he should be getting on with.
Yes, you are right to change tel no, & you should minimise all contact with him, though visits to see son complicate this. 19 years with an alcoholic has probably done a number on your own mental well-being, so get counselling if you can, or maybe check out Al-Anon, which is for families of alcoholics. I do feel for you; such a situation is soul-destroying.

Lueji Mon 29-Apr-13 19:03:44

You are doing well in distancing yourself.

Only then can you move on. It's clear you won't get a proper relationship with him.

Children need parents, yes, but mostly they need good parents.
Let him go to your DS, if he wants to.

thanksformyboy Mon 29-Apr-13 19:05:37

Thanks for the reply moanranger. I am due for my fist counselling session on Thursday. You're bang on about the codependency and that is what I want to work on. I know if I met him now I would have nothing to do with him but can't switch off my feelings no matter how much I want to.

thanksformyboy Mon 29-Apr-13 19:09:15

Lueji - you're right, I need to stop doing the work for him. If he wants to see ds he can make the effort to see him. My sister has said she will do handovers for me (at my place) if he ever decides to step up (not holding my breath)!

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