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How do u cope when it's over?

(10 Posts)
DuttyWine Mon 29-Apr-13 17:47:58

Dp has just gone after another row think its time we called it a day.

We have been together 4 years have 15 month old ds and I have 9 yr old dd from before.

How do you deal with the break up? I work full time and can't take annual leave as I work term time only. I'm so worried about it all and how it will affect dcs and what do we tell them.

I want it to be as amicable as possible but I don't think he will let me go easily.

What a mess iv made of it all.

Joy5 Mon 29-Apr-13 19:22:45

Don't want to ignore your post as no one else as replied yet.

I was left by my husband over 18 months ago, 4 years after the sudden death of our eldest son.

Not sure how i've got through the past 18 months, but somehow i have, i've got through each day bit by bit, sometimes just a few minutes at at time. Now feeling much happier, my two youngest sons still miss their Dad, don't see him that often now. My ex'x choice, but i've realised he doesn't see them, then i get to. My gain, his loss.

I work term time only too, so couldn't take time off, but i've realised its easier at work, then i can't be contacted by my ex or his solicitor.

However hard it feels now, and for the a long time to come, just concentrate on your two children, and doing your best for them. Your youngest is probably too young to understand, but just be honest with your dd, tell them nothing will change. Even if it does, she doesn't need to know that now, she just needs reassurance and lots of cuddles, and a routine.

Sending hugs to you too, wouldn't wish this on anyone. xx

InNeedOfSense Mon 29-Apr-13 20:12:29

I'm in the middle of it all too, recently separated and starting to adjust. I just need to get on to my computer then I'll post a bit more...

InNeedOfSense Mon 29-Apr-13 20:53:37

So, here are som of the things I've done to help me cope. Writing this helps me as it helps me to see taht I am coping, sort of - not brilliantly, but just about, which is probably okay for now.

1. I'm buying fowers and always having a vase of flowers on the kitchen table.
2. I'm carrying on working, even if I feel utterly crap. At the end of each day, being able to look back and see that I have achieved something of any description is a boost.
3. I splashed out and got the house deep cleaned as soon as I could after he left.
4. I moved the furniture around in the bedroom, got new duvet set - did everything I could to make the bedroom look completely different. I want to slowly but surely make this my home, how I want it. I want it to reflect the me that I'm going to become.
5. I went to see the GP and told her that I was having panic attcks (which I was). She offered ADs. I said no, but it's nice to know that the option is there if things get really dark.
6. I am eating properly - loads of fruit and veg for the vitamins, making loads of salads - and not drinking alcohol. I'm going to bed at a decent hour and sleeping.
7. I'm talking to friends and telling them how I'm feeling and some of the difficult stuff going on. I'm still finding joy in frends' happiness and empathising with their sadness.
8. I'm slowly but surely addressing areas of my life that scare me.
9. I'm seeing a counsellor. I had a break from counseling, but starting again tomorrow. I'm not looking forward to it.
10. I'm accepting that at the moment, every day is a challenge for me. Every day has difficult stuff I need to do. I am trying to balalnce the difficult stuff with nice stuff.
11. (Maybe unhelpful) I've developed a crush on someone. THe counsellor will probably tell me off.
12. I'm playing with the dc, enjoying their company and trying not to be too pre-occupied that I miss their happiness.
13. I'm planning on inviting people round to dinner on a regular basis. (He hated dinner parties.)
14. I'm reading some great novels. Escaping into a different world for a while is so good and so refreshing.
15. I'm strating to wonder about taking up a new hobby, maybe something musical as I did loads of musical stuff at school and haven't picked up an instrument in years.
16. I'm realising that there really are laugh-or-cry moments (as opposed to the just welling up moments, whjich I'm just going with) and I'm choosing to laugh as much as I can.

It is really hard, I think I'll look back on this year as my 'annus horriblis' but...there is still good in the world. There is still lots of good in my life. And I'm tying to focus as much as I can on the good whilst dealing with the hard.

So that's me. I am surviving, and you will, too. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other, keep breathing and sleeping and eating, and everything else will come right in the end. A quote from the movie The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel: 'I know it'll be all right in the end. And if it's not all right, it's not the end.' smile

DuttyWine Mon 29-Apr-13 21:20:49

Thank you for taking the time to reply and for your kind words and I'm site my situation isn't as bad as yours. I feel a bit of a fraud for posting. I'm also worried he might see this as he knows I use mn although not sure if he knows how it works or what my name is.

Anyway iv had a couple of hours to reflect and speak to my best friend in rl. I don't think I can end it right now as too much of a mountain to climb. Need to sort out finances and practical things first as it will be too much all at once. I might write him a letter and completely open up as I never have before and set a date in July (6 week hols) and say if things haven't improved then its time to end it for good. There are do many stresses we are going through, financial, health, work problems, no sex life (my part).

It's not one sided we are both at fault and both have issues we are unhappy with. It's all come to a head today. He wants to work at it more than I do and I think that is part of the problem. I cried today for the first time. I also spoke on here and in rl which I have never done as I always

DuttyWine Mon 29-Apr-13 21:22:29

Pretend everything is perfect. It was a relief to let my guard down.

How can you tell when it's time to completely end it and when it's worth continuing to fight for? Should it have to be a fight in the first place?

Anyway I'm sorry if I have wasted people's time on here.

DuttyWine Mon 29-Apr-13 21:24:26

Joy 5 I'm so sorry to read of your loss. thanks

Inneedofsense you sound in quite a positive place and its good to hear there is hope for the future.

Joy5 Mon 29-Apr-13 21:53:19

Thanks DuttyWine, and there is hope for the future, as time moves on and you can look back and see what you've managed as a single person for the first time, the boost at coping without a man is addictive. Once you've achieved one thing, you'll be raring to go and achieve the next smile x

InNeedOfSense Mon 29-Apr-13 21:57:39

Joy, I'm so sorry for your loss too.

I know what you mean about achievements being addictive! smile

Joy5 Tue 30-Apr-13 11:46:17

In the past year, i've managed to change a lightbulb in a recess ceiling (easy when you know how!), visit a scrap yard yard and buy a new seatbelt holder, and change the locks amongst other things. All things i couldn't do as a married woman, now after being single for 18 months i've done all sorts. Don't know how, i You Tube for help, its never let me down smile

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