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My husband is bored, moody, negative and controlling

(59 Posts)
Jamatmum Mon 29-Apr-13 14:47:26

We have been together for 22 years and have 2 grown up sons. Both mid 40s. He has always been jealous, insecure which we have dealt with. I reassure him all the time and yet he is the biggest flirt ever. I have never and would never cheat or betray him. He however has betrayed my trust before. He is mentally abusive to me. He calls me names, tells me to fuck off. Calls me lazy, stupid etc. I don't respect him neither does our youngest son who has seen and heard his dad speak to me this way. He is a very negative person and is jealous of anyone that does well for themselves. We have a beautiful home, nice cars and money in the bank. We go out for meals regularly and until 2 years ago we holidayed in 5 star hotels. 2 years ago I had my first panic attack and gave suffered anxiety since. I have had therapy and they say its my husbands behaviour causing it. It has been terrible. I am on meds now. My friends have been very supportive he hasn't. He just wants his old wife back. He sees me as a possession. He wants me on his arm looking lovely.
He has stopped giving me housekeeping and instead tells me to put groceries and petrol on a credit card so ge can pay it off. We don't gave joint accounts. I have no access to cash.
He say he is bored with our lives. He wants to do things but doesn't know what. We have different interests. He goes out regularly with lads and I don't. He us drinking more and goes to the pub most nights from work. He lies to me all the time.
I have told him he needs to change.
His only issue with me is that I never initiate sex. I tell him it's because I don't feel loved. Also the meds I am on effect this.
One son has left home and the youngest is 18. My parents and friends don't like how my husband treats me.
I am scared to leave though. Please advice if anyone has any.

Jamatmum Mon 29-Apr-13 16:59:06

TeamEdward - no he won't go for counselling

Jamatmum Mon 29-Apr-13 17:00:52

I have considered going for counselling on my own.

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 29-Apr-13 17:16:04

Solo counselling isn't a bad idea. Might help you take the next step.

EhricLovesTeamQhuay Mon 29-Apr-13 17:18:49

I think counselling on your own would be a great idea.

AnyFucker Mon 29-Apr-13 17:20:33

The only advice I could give you is to divorce him

If you already have a nice house, nice cars, 5 star holidays etc you are not going to be destitute to get half of that, are you ?

Such an inadequate man will never change. He will only drag you down to his level if he can, and he won't give up until you are destroyed.

Make your son's year and instigate proceedings.

Jamatmum Mon 29-Apr-13 17:22:33

I don't suppose you have a magic wand you could wave for me.

You are right. I do need to take steps to move on. I'm scared to start it. My family live 200 miles away and my friends are 50 miles away. Eldest son is only 5 minutes away and youngest son is still with us.

If I stay at friends I'm not near my sons. If I stay ear my sons I have no support group near me.

Sorry if I sound weak. I know how it sounds. I just can't afford to let anxiety and panic take hold any more. It makes me feel so tired and lethargic.

piratecat Mon 29-Apr-13 17:29:04

exactly, you don't 'need' all that stuff, you need to be free.

So what if he's good looking, fuck that. He's a shit. He takes you for granted, is jealous and controlling.

Many women have had to leave with only the clothes on their backs.

YOU are stuck in a rut, you would be ok financially. You don't NEED a big home, just a little place you can call your own. Possibly near family, where you can have fun with your sons.

What happens when there are grandchildren, he will make their lives a misery too.

piratecat Mon 29-Apr-13 17:30:55

yes but maybe this thread is your starting point, think about it, you have started to make a move mentally by telling a forum about your cack marriage.

It's the shittiest controlling behaviour not to allow you any cash, that's digusting.

AnyFucker Mon 29-Apr-13 17:36:42

As well as individual counselling, I recommend a chat with Women's Aid.

You are being abused...emotionally and financially.

Please don't consider trying to persuade him to do couple counselling, he will use that as another stick to beat you with.

wonderingagain Mon 29-Apr-13 17:43:03

You are being abused. Bit by bit he has dragged you down and you are completely dependent on a man that has no interest in you other than as some kind of chattel.

You are married which helps you legally to get a very good deal upon divorce. However it will probably be very hard to get the divorce and you shouldn't expect it to go smoothly. So don't assume you can walk into a new life too easily - expect to need family to support you for a while. You will get everything back later, financially - I have no doubt about that.

The fact that he has abused you for all these years (yes it IS abuse), means that you may be able to prosecute him. This would prevent him from doing the same to the next woman that comes along and it may also increase any payout from him because he has effectively ruined your life with anxiety and misery and you may be able to claim for that 'damage'. However you will need evidence, any diaries or video footage, witnesses who may support you. A secret recording now might be helpful but be very careful.

The first thing you need is advice from Womens Aid and the second thing you need is a solicitor. Be careful about leaving. If you do, do it without him knowing in advance. Abusive men can turn violent when they find they have lost control of their victim, so bear this in mind.

wonderingagain Mon 29-Apr-13 17:45:39

Go to your parents. Your sons know exactly what's going on, they are old enough to know that this is something that you need to do even if it means leaving them behind. If your eldest is 18 does he have A levels? Is he at a local school?

Jamatmum Mon 29-Apr-13 17:51:05

Wondering again. - eldest son doesn't live with us and works full time. Youngest is 18 and does live with us and has full time job.

AnyFucker Mon 29-Apr-13 17:52:43

Have you posted before, under a different name, love ?

AnyFucker Mon 29-Apr-13 17:54:02

You know your mental health is likely to improve dramatically if you remove his malign influence from your life, don't you ?

wonderingagain Mon 29-Apr-13 17:56:28

That's great - essentially there is nothing stopping you except his control. Or is there something else?

IloveJudgeJudy Mon 29-Apr-13 17:59:36

I would also say LTB. My father was like this to DM (without the 5 star hotels). She didn't leave him, and the jealousy he felt for his sons (and grandsons) led to some big fallings out among our family later on. He didn't change. She felt bound to him for some kind of duty, or whatever. She has recently heard from her siblings that they thought she should have left him years ago (I think that's mean of them to say it now; they didn't say it and support her when she really needed it).

He tried to isolate her, but she has had to be really strong to deal with all that he has done over the years. He didn't break her, but she went right to the brink and had suicidal thoughts for quite a while.

Your life will be much better without him. You say your sons are very supportive of you. That's good. Doesn't mean they can't visit him. Don't waste your life. You are worth more than that. Material goods really aren't everything.

Jamatmum Mon 29-Apr-13 18:02:19

No this is the first time I have ever posted on here. Or anywhere for that matter.

No there isn't anything actually stopping me from leaving. Except my own doubts. And the endless questions I'm asking myself. What ifs!!!

AnyFucker Mon 29-Apr-13 18:04:10

OK, love. You just reminded me of someone that posted of a similar situation on here.

Jamatmum Mon 29-Apr-13 18:05:47

I am not worried about the material goods but I am worried about financial security.

wonderingagain Mon 29-Apr-13 18:09:08

A solicitor will be able to explain more about finance. Does he check your internet use etc?

Jamatmum Mon 29-Apr-13 18:11:24

No he just checks my phone

wonderingagain Mon 29-Apr-13 18:17:36

If you are using your phone for this thread remember to delete your history. Get another cheap phone with a number so you can contact people freely.

What is it that you want to do - what would be the best solution for you?

MadameOvary Mon 29-Apr-13 18:22:42

Hello OP. You know you need to leave. I wish I could give you a taste of what life was like once you emerge from the shadow of abuse. It grinds you down and paralyses you so that you feel that you are glued to them, as if leaving will rip you in half. BUT this fear is what keeps you there. The lightening begins as soon as you leave. Every day you get stronger, and this process is accelerated if you reach out for help.

Jamatmum Mon 29-Apr-13 18:45:24

Thank you. I will make an appointment with a solicitor and see where I stand.
Not one reply said stay and work it out.

wonderingagain Mon 29-Apr-13 18:54:05

Good luck - this could be the beginning of a great journey smile

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