45 year old husband is bored, moody, controlling advice please

[Jamatmum]

We have been together for 22 years. With 2 grown up sons. My husband is moody and unhappy and negative. My glass is always half full. I try and get him to see the best in everything. He is very materialistic. We have a lovely home, cars, money in the bank. I don't go out to work. I have a job from home that doesn't bring in a regular income. When the kids were small I took cleaning, ironing jobs. My husband controls everything. We don't have joint bank accounts. He asks me to put everything on credit card groceries petrol etc and he pays it off. I don't have access to cash. I calls me lazy bitch, stupid, etc. I started having panic attacks and anxiety 2 years ago. I have had therapy (they think its to do with him) and now on medication. I have had a few scary times with anxiety. My family are worried. They don't like how my husband treats me. He is very jealous. I don't go out socialising without him really. He does go out with his friends and goes on holiday every year with them. He loves me and is physically attracted to me. But I don't feel loved. He doesn't understand the anxiety. He wants his old wife back the way I used to be. I don't feel loved. We are not friends. We fancy each other but it's not enough. I have told him that his negative attitude is driving me mad. He is hard worker but would rather go to the pub than come home. Our youngest son has no respect for him. I'm scared to leave. Any advice ??

[specialsubject]

if ever there was a big cry of LTB, this is it.

he doesn't love you, men who love women don't call them names, don't control them and like spending time with them. You are a housekeeper, breeder and a source of sex.

you are better than that. Your family are there to help, but if they can't house you then get on to your nearest women's aid.

good luck.

[Piemother]

This thread needs to be moved to relationships you need more advice x

[purplewithred]

What are you scared of about leaving?

[Jamatmum]

Thank you I have moved it to relationships. Sorry first time posting

[OliviaMMumsnet]

We have moved this for you OP
kindest
MNHQ

[chipmonkey]

What's keeping you there? Fear? Because it doesn't sound like love.

[DionFortune]

What you are experiencing is abuse, OP. Just because he doesn't hit you it doesn't make what he is doing any less abusive. There are ways out, you don't have to live like this. Please get support and contact women's aid.

[myroomisatip]

Sounds like my STBXH, sounds like my life used to be.

I applied for my decree nisi yesterday, took me nearly ten years but I am free of him now, have my own home and can do as I like.

Obvioiusly I am much much happier and once I realised he was the problem in my life, no more anti depressants or panic attacks.

I believe you should seriously consider leaving.

[virgilsmuse]

I would say suggest counselling...but to a degree it sounds past that if he's name calling Etc.

There does appear to be much here to actually work on tbh.

What's scarier? Another 22 years of this or a fresh start with challenges -that you'll overcome- along the way?

[virgilsmuse]

Sorry...there doesn't appear to be much to work on.

[HotDAMNlifeisgood]

Of course you're scared to leave: the unknown is always frightening. Better the devil you know...

Except in this case, I can assure you that your life will be far, far better away from this man. It may take you time to realise just how unacceptable his treatment of you is, and then even more time to make a plan and leave, and that's ok. You have accurately pinpointed all that is wrong in the way he treats you: verbal abuse, financial abuse, emotional abuse.

Keep up the personal counselling. Yes, he is the cause of your anxiety. A naturally "glass half full" person like you should not be feeling as low as you do now, except for the fact that you are being dragged down by attachment to a man who should love you but instead abuses you. Free yourself from your ties to him the hope that he can improve and love you as he ought, because he won't and you can use your considerable skills and joy for life for your own self. As you deserve.

I recommend you start by reading the links at the start of the Emotional Abuse support thread on the Relationships board, and phone Women's Aid for a chat.

Good luck Jamatmum. You deserve so much better than this.

[HotDAMNlifeisgood]

link to EA support thread, plenty of useful books and websites to read in the top post

[pictish]

You need to do whatever it takes to find the strength within yourself to refute an unhappy, unhealthy marriage, and ultimately life.

Do you seriously propose to live your life in shadow, in order to stay with with this miserable bully, tossing aside your own needs and desires to appease him....for the rest of your life?

You are important. Your life matters. Your happiness is paramount.
It's the same for all of us.

Get shot of him and you can have it.

[Jamatmum]

Thanks for your replies.

I am not scared of my oh. I am scared of the situation I find myself in. And don't see an easy way out.
When you are in it you don't see it as abuse.
Obviously I know the name calling isn't normal or nice but I have got used to it.
He is so negative about everything. And that is draining. I do accept that he is causing my anxiety.
He says he loves me but there are times he hates me.
He punched a hole in the lounge wall last night because I annoyed him.
He says he hates that I never think that I am at fault fir anything.
He doesn't trust me. He checks my phone.
If I am on the phone to my family or friends when he comes home from work he says under his breath ' what a surprise on the phone again'
He thinks that I have a perfect life not going out to work and be able to socialise during the day. But other than catching up with the odd friend or a coffee that's all I do. He plays golf, goes football, goes to pub all without me. Which is fine. The only issue I have is the amount he drinks. When he drinks he gets nasty.
He tells small lies all the time.

My youngest son is being effected by his behaviour

[pictish]

While I have time I'm going to show your post as I read it...it may or may nor be of some help to you.

Obviously I know the name calling isn't normal or nice but I have got used to it.
Yes you have normalised his behaviour and accept it. That doesn't mean it hurts you less, it just means you've given up trying to change it.

He is so negative about everything. And that is draining. I do accept that he is causing my anxiety.
He will know it too. So long as you are anxious you are also vulnerable. If you are vulnerable you are easier to manipulate. Why should he rectify his behaviour - what's in it for him?

He says he loves me but there are times he hates me.
Judge people not by what they say, but by what they do. He says 'this', but yet somehow you feel 'that'. Talk is cheap and comes easy. If he hates you he can fuck off can't he? Or are you supposed to cripple yourself to meet with his approval? Either way, it's manipulative as fuck.

He punched a hole in the lounge wall last night because I annoyed him.
Yes...he's letting you know that he's capable of violence. Frightening you into shutting up. The message is clear..."Let me have my way, or something or someone is going to get it!" And well you might next time.

He says he hates that I never think that I am at fault fir anything.
He wants you to shoulder the responsibility for the repercussions of his behaviour, you mean?

He doesn't trust me. He checks my phone.
So controlling and paranoid too. Love the sound of this guy!

If I am on the phone to my family or friends when he comes home from work he says under his breath ' what a surprise on the phone again'
Fancy you not jumping up like a puppy with two tails when he makes an appearance. Look at you talking to other people who like you, and offer support and comfort, instead of focusing soley on him and his wants. FFS.

He thinks that I have a perfect life not going out to work and be able to socialise during the day. But other than catching up with the odd friend or a coffee that's all I do. He plays golf, goes football, goes to pub all without me. Which is fine. The only issue I have is the amount he drinks. When he drinks he gets nasty.
So his social life is paramount, yet you are to feel guilty about yours. And he's a nasty drunk. There's a shocker.


He tells small lies all the time.
Dishonest and unrealistic then?

My youngest son is being effected by his behaviour
I'm sure he is. Remember that in the long term, he is learning how to be a man through his father. The only person that can protect him from repeating what he has learned is you.

Your husband is a bad 'un. His core values are diplorable. Save yourselves for heavens sakes!!

[Jamatmum]

Thanks Pictish

I know you are right. If my friends were saying the same things my reply would be the same as yours. Funny how when you are in the thick of it you can't see it.

It's gone on for so long.

My parents and siblings are so worried about me. My brother actually had a chat with him a few months ago and said if he didn't stop his behaviour he would lose me.

It's like a roller coaster ride. Few good days then few bad. I have decided to see a solicitor to find out where I stand.

Thanks

[garlicyoni]

You say you're not frightened of him. You must be, I'm sorry to observe, or you wouldn't have put up with the severe limitations he imposes on your life. You don't have your own money to spend; no access to cash; no social life of your own? He has hobbies, activities, solo holidays - where are yours? When did you last go out with your friends at night?

Only a frightened woman would allow this massive erosion of her liberty.

Punching the wall in front of you is violence, by the way. It's done to physically intimidate, as Pictish says. It works.

'Saying' love and 'feeling' love are worthless without 'doing' love, as well. I thought I should state this simple fact, in case you're misguided enough to think you owe him anything for his professed feelings towards you. Really, can you imagine a situation in which the behaviours you've described would be thought loving?

[garlicyoni]

Cross-post. Please have a look here to source a solicitor with knowledge of domestic abuse: www.womensaid.org.uk/landing_page.asp?section=000100010024&sectionTitle=Find+a+local+service

[pictish]

You see? Your family see through him, they love you and they're worried...and what's more they may actually have positive influence on you! No wonder he doesn't like you to chat to them on the phone.

[overtheraenbow]

'' you don't see it as abuse when you are in it''
That phrase resonated so much for me OP that's exactly it and the thing others don't seem to understand, I think you are now starting to. That will give you the strength keep remembering it is abuse,
He's not going to make it easy for you . My stbxh is the one who started an affair and even though he's now living with the new gf makes my life hard on a weekly basis, via the children/ mediation / divorce settlement etc. etc.
it's going to he a tough few months but you WILL get through and come out better ( as will I)
Saw a great quite the other day ''' just as the caterpillar thought the world was ending he turned into a butterfly.'I'm at chrysalis phase!!

[chipmonkey]

Jamat, if you're looking for permission to leave, you have it from all of us. I think men like that erode your confidence, so that even if it seems blindingly obvious to anyone looking in from the outside that you should leave, you don't trust your own judgement.
He won't change. Your brother warned him that he would lose you and he didn't change. If you stay he will try to find ways to stop you from seeing your brother.
Your family sound lovely. And they are probably all holding their breaths waiting for you to do the right thing for yourself and leave.

[squibb]

You need to leave this man.

It doesn't sounds like he has any particular problems other than who he is and how he chooses to act as a result. I literally can't believe how he treats you yet you are so calm about it, which suggests you have become to accept this as the normal, its not.

I've had family member(s) in a similar situation, and one DH had very similar traits which developed over a period of years. It just seemed to be who he was through and through. Thankfully he is gone but at 5-6 years too late which is a shame. So similar sounds your story that I feel you should be aware of the possibility of a flare up when you announce the decision. So with that in mind please be mentally prepared, and I would not do it alone, also beware of threats of self harm from DH although he sounds possibly even too ignorant to want pity, however self harm blamed on you might be a tactic.

Don't worry about the DC, they may feel just as free as you will as a result. I've seen complete transformations in DC that show that separation can be a very positive thing.

[tightfortime]

Fantastic post pictish...

OP I won't bore you with the whole 'I recognise so much of that' but I do.

Sounds to me like your family are just waiting for you to see it and then they'll jump in and help. Mine were waiting too, I just didn't cop it, possibly as he tried hard to detach me from them.

Confide in them, they will be relieved and formulate a plan to get you out of there.

He has beaten you down emotionally and mentally. Don't take it any more.

Be you again.

Without him.

Hand holding and hoping...

[Jamatmum]

Squibb - you are right I have accepted this as normal.

I am mentally exhausted. I hate being on anti dep medication but the anxiety became so bad I had no choice.

Today he has been in a good mood so no dramas. I feel stronger for posting here and reading your replies. Thank you. I have decided to find a solicitor and hear my options.

I have spoken to my sister tonight and told her my plans. She is dumbfounded by his behaviour. She said that i wear my heart on my sleeve and it is obvious to everyone that all I ask for his peace, no dramas, easy going, fun life. I have told my oh exactly what iwould like from him. But he doesn't listen. He is all about flash grand gestures. I am the opposite.

I know it sounds silly but I don't want to hurt him. I can't bear to see him upset. 22 years is a long time to be with someone. But.... I am also fed up of hearing myself saying how he makes me feel. I just want to feel loved. Not much to ask.

[squibb]

Finding a solicitor is a good start, but I think some input from friends, family and maybe an independent third party (ie a counsellor of some sort, or just someone with a fresh view.) will help you appreciate what you've been living through, and I really think you've lost that perspective.

While wanting to save a good relationship is admirable, that isn't what this looks like, far from it. Honestly your current situation sounds like the examples you see in abuse awareness campaigns.