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Feel trapped in a loveless relationship

(4 Posts)
Nickfromwales Mon 29-Apr-13 13:44:08

ello all. Very new here (first time) but felt this may be the place to find advice or opinion on what may or may not be a common thread. Wondering where to start with this, maybe best to start at the end. Right now, my relationship with my partner is failing. In truth it's been failing - or at least stuttering, fighting for breath maybe(?) - for several years and even though we both know this is true, it's something we have chosen to 'endure'. We have two children - aged 3 1/2 and 1. The last time we had sex was to conceive our youngest child. Infact, in the past 5 years sex has simply been a means to conceive our children - formulaic, timed by a cycle, lacking passion.
I mention this - the sex thing - initially as it seems a signifier in how our relationsip lacks any kind of spark and very little intimacy: our mutal lack of effort in the bedroom is like a huge sore thumb that we've turned our backs on, proclaiming that 'actually, a lot of couples go through the same thing'. Do they? Are their relationships as rotten to the core as ours seems to be. I know the old adage 'you have to work at a relationship' will be applied almost as a first response here but the truth is, I haven't fancied my partner for years, both in a physical and emotional sense.
Our initial coming together was a blind date that hardly registered a flicker owing to two people probably a bit stunted in relationship terms. But, we pursued it: I partly out of a dramatic change in circumstances and she maybe because she felt this might be her last (only?) chance to find someone to after countless weekends of trying (nights out) It wasn't all doom and gloom and in the early flushes of romance we had a great time but you see the problem with me is that I have a lust problem with the 'pornographic ideal' and grow bored quickly - I can feel it coming on after 8-12 months. Maybe I'm ust a typical male(?) That said, I'm not the only one to blame. Maybe with my slight backing off she did the same, maybe it was an intimacy thing (fear?) or maybe simply that after the first heady flush of being with someone (without knowing them beforehand) what was left was 'the getting to know them' and with that, a sense that actually we might not be as compatible as we thought. But, even then it wasn't spoken about, we settled into routine, sex became less frequent, less spontaneous and less exciting. I guess maybe we were slipping into becoming a complacent couple. But the nagging doubts crept into to my mind, the constant notion that I was 'settling' for someone who might not be 'the one'. 10 years later and we're still together, clinging on, and unmarried. She thinks the marriage issue isn't an issue and thinks it's about my lack of wanting to get married but truly, I dont' feel she is'the one'. Lately I've found it so hard to muster any compassion for her and feel almost like half of me is somewhere else, restarting my life elsewhere. She knows full well how bad it is but never, ever confronts it and even after an arguement, when I'm being (understandably) moody or quiet she asks 'if I'm not talking to her?', in a way that implies she doesn't think (or want to think) things are that bad! I have told her twice that I was on the verge of leaving for the god of both of us. But the problem is, we have a DS and a DD and I dread to put them through the same broken family situation that I had, loathing for years a step-mother who (even though may have found it hard, and had harsh methods of discipline) probably tried her best to raise someone else's child and all the time wishing I had the perfect family unit most of my friends have.
I don't know what to do. On a purely practical level she is the more powerful earner - my wage is a paltry amount that would barely keep a single person afloat without two kids. I pull my weight a hell of a lot (I see it as my duty to my kids, at least) but maybe half the reason I haven't walked is that I simply could not afford to! I know a lot of non-working parents who have walked would disagree but that's how it seems.
I'm not sure either of us can be bothered to make the effort with each other: we're almost like two carers living under the same roof, amicable half the time and (me at least) feeling in the pit of my stomach that the rest of my life like this is a waste of a life. There must be a better way, just wonder if it's on my own (with my kids when I can see them)
thanks for reading probably not put myself across as well as in words.

VoiceofUnreason Mon 29-Apr-13 14:10:47

Sorry, very hard to read such a long piece without it being broken into paragraphs. Have skimmed it. I don't see the point in your staying together. Neither of you seems happy, nor have you for a long time. It was foolish, I suspect, to have had a second child if you relationship was already pretty sexless and you neither of you tried to remedy the situation.

Finances are not a sufficient reason to stay together.

SirRaymondClench Mon 29-Apr-13 14:20:54

God I feel depressed after reading that.
You don't seem to like women much.
What does 'lust problem with pornographic ideal' mean?

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 29-Apr-13 14:43:08

What you do is talk to each other. You both sound miserable and I think you need to find some honesty between you rather than carrying on brushing things under the carpet and thinking all couples are in the same boat or that anyone is 'typical' anything. The sex thing is symptomatic as much as a cause. It's the vicious circle of when people want different things sexually that can damage a relationship, and a damaged relationship leading to sexual problems.

Ultimately, whatever the rights, wrongs, whys or wherefores, if it turns out you are fundamentally incompatible there is no point 'clinging on' and making a bad situation even worse for yourselves and the children, of course. Better to have a good split than a bad relationship

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