H and I have been together for 9yrs, married for 5yrs. We have DD who is just about to turn one.
Things have always been up and down but started to be awful when I fell pg. H was unsympathetic and, I can't think of a better way of saying this, mean.
There have been too many arguments to mention but I think at the heart of it, he feels unhappy in his work / life and blames me for this. He hasn't said as much but I think he expects me to make him happy and the when he isn't happy, he blames me. He is in counselling as he had a pretty crappy childhood but he has been in counselling for YEARS and nothing seems to have changed.
We have been to couples counselling (instigate by me) twice. He gets all inspired about better communication, a more adult way of approaching me / life and this is great but it only lasts for a few months.
In terms of specific things that are wrong, the main one goes back to him being mean. He points scores, tries to 'catch me out' with things, always assumes a negative intent in everything I say or do (I realise that sounds as if I am generalising. I am not. I mean always and everything). He puts so much energy into trying to make me feel like a bad person yet he does nothing constructive to improve his own life and to deal with what he says are the main things that get him down.
For example, he is self employed and business is going well. He claims to hate bits of his job but won't consider getting someone else in to do them even though he could afford to. He complains about feeling sluggish and tired the whole time (NB I have done ALL the night duties with DD and I work) but insists on drinking a lot most nights, smoking heavily, eating poorly and going to bed late.
He complains about not having enough creativity in his life (stifled by me, obvs) but when I suggested a way that he could free up a day a week to do something creative (meaning I would take on extra DD and financial commitments so he could do this) he accused me of being a fascist and a martyr. (Which I thought was an interesting combination).
I feel that what he likes is to complain about seemingly insoluble dilemmas rather than doing anything to solve them IYSWIM.
Eg I did a masters degree a few yrs ago while working full time. I got early, worked late, worked weekends etc. When I suggested that, in order to incorporate extra creative time into his week, he could get up at 7:30 (GET UP, not even start work), he told me I was being outrageous and that is not the kind of life he wants. NB I have been up at 5:30 most mornings last week to fit in work before DD gets up as I look after her most days as well as being the main income earner.
I feel like I am living with a lazy adolescent, not a 40yr so called adult.
So I asked him to move out for a few days. I said i would cover the costs. I just need some space when I am not being criticised and stressed out by his behaviour.
If we sold our house, I could afford a little place for DD and me and that thought makes me happy. Thinking of staying with him makes me feel sad and heavy.
Bugger. Reading back, I think I've already decided to leave, haven't I?
Holy crap. WTF do I do now?
I am sorry to post and run but I have to go out now so I might not be able to check MN again until later this PM. I could really do with some advice / hand holding / someone to come round and drink gin with me?
for reading
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Relationships
Just asked H to move out (temporarily). WTF do I do now?
Ginshizz · 29/04/2013 11:33
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