We rely on advertising to keep the lights on.

Please consider adding us to your whitelist.



Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Has he an agenda?

(70 Posts)
Lovetwinkies Sun 28-Apr-13 19:15:50


I have been casually dating someone for 4 weeks, he came out of a long term relationship late last year, and I think they both took it hard, split over an argument that got out of hand I think.

She has met someone, got engaged and is planning a wedding this year.

He is now trying to convince her she is rushing into it, and offered to meet to talk to her, admitting he would try and persuade her not to do it.
She does listen to him but he is being very negative about the whole thing and saying its too soon blah blah blah.

Why can't he just wish her well?

Pollydon Mon 06-May-13 12:44:09

Been there, done that, being 2 nd best is shit.

Lovetwinkies Mon 06-May-13 12:45:29

Thanks everyone, what I am asking myself is if they meet and she gives a signal will they get back together?

lowercase Mon 06-May-13 13:08:26

It is highly likely.

But if he doesn't this time, maybe next time.

Lweji Mon 06-May-13 13:52:20

In any case, would you want to be with anyone who is still thinking about someone else?

TurnipCake Mon 06-May-13 13:55:59

Oh dear.

A few weeks in is the time to get to know a person, figure out their values and see where your relationship is heading. It's supposed to be a happy, exciting time.

You are asking yourself whether your boyfriend will get back together with his ex if she gave him the signal. If you have to ask yourself this, something is wrong. He is paying lip service to you, believe me, you'll come out of this hurting more than them.

Fluffypinkcoat Mon 06-May-13 14:15:49

She won't give a signal because she's moved on. He will be spending god knows how long hoping she will and dreaming she will while being with you to pass the time. Don't you want more than that for yourself?

Helltotheno Mon 06-May-13 16:26:09

The ex-gf may not have moved on at all. You and this other schmuck sound like bit players in their drama...

The only thing you should be worrying your pretty little head about is what hot undies you're going to wear for your next steamy session. This other stuff is not where your head is supposed to be at at this stage in a relationship!

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Mon 06-May-13 16:54:52

He is concerned about her making a mistake and now he tells you she has doubts about her new partner.

Now you worry about her perhaps giving him a signal when they next meet and they'll get back together.

The signal is a big klaxon proclaiming Unfinished Business and I honestly think unless you're wearing ear defenders you'd better pay attention to it.

Why don't you make other plans this week and let them figure it out? He is not over her.

Rulesgirl Mon 06-May-13 17:06:36

He doesn't just have feelings for her, he is still in love with her. Sorry sad

ecclesvet Mon 06-May-13 17:48:59

How on earth do you know that, Rulesgirl? Do you know him personally?

Hissy Mon 06-May-13 19:00:41

You don't know him at ALL! FFS! you have NOT fallen for him. You are in lust.

You have NOTHING invested in you, and he clearly has NOTHING invested in you.

He's keeping you around for his ego, so that he's not alone while his ex moves on. Sorry but you have to end this, it'll destroy you.

His ex may not be making a mistake, but I really thing you are if you put up with this now. It'll set a tone that'll never lift.

AnyFucker Mon 06-May-13 19:14:24

You don't get the things you really want if you simply wish hard enough for them love

You should have left that Mindset behind when you were about 12yo

Rulesgirl Mon 06-May-13 19:35:12

it's obvious by his behaviour.smile

Pollydon Tue 07-May-13 07:32:12

Yes, he would. Sorry, but move on now, don't wait to be what on sad

Pollydon Tue 07-May-13 07:33:28

* shat on. New phone does not approve of swearing!

Machli Tue 07-May-13 07:45:38

This reminds me of that episode of friends where Ross and Phoebe are dating two exes and end having arguments about the ex couples relationships and their reasons for breaking up grin. Anyone remember that one?

OP wake up. They're going to get back together or at the very least sit around being drama llamas about their misunderstood and thwarted love. Neither of which looks good for your "4 weeker". If he was over her he wouldn't give a hoot what she was up to and if she was over him she certainly wouldn't be arsed to meet him and listen to his talking to. She'd be too busy with her new man.

I suspect you'll remain till the bitter end though won't you? Ah well, you're not the first and you won't be the last.

Lovetwinkies Tue 04-Jun-13 12:33:11

They did actually get back together after all that. Only took one meeting.


utterlyconfused11 Tue 04-Jun-13 13:14:59

Sorry lovetwinkies - had it written all over it. Least you found out he still loved her sooner rather than later. I know my boyfriend tried to get back with his ex when he was with me luckly she didn't want to know and he doesnt see her anymore, not a nice feeling at all. least he was honest with you.

Lovetwinkies Tue 04-Jun-13 13:21:13

Thanks, I think he was lying to himself when he said he was over her.

A lesson learnt I guess for me, I wish men would just say it like it is rather than pretend or deny things.

hellsbellsmelons Tue 04-Jun-13 17:19:58

Sorry it ended this way.
There are some wise women here on MN!
You'll find that Mr Right and it will be fab.
Good luck.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now