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Has he an agenda?

(70 Posts)
Lovetwinkies Sun 28-Apr-13 19:15:50


I have been casually dating someone for 4 weeks, he came out of a long term relationship late last year, and I think they both took it hard, split over an argument that got out of hand I think.

She has met someone, got engaged and is planning a wedding this year.

He is now trying to convince her she is rushing into it, and offered to meet to talk to her, admitting he would try and persuade her not to do it.
She does listen to him but he is being very negative about the whole thing and saying its too soon blah blah blah.

Why can't he just wish her well?

AnyFucker Sun 28-Apr-13 21:08:41

Why are so bothered ?

You've known him 4 weeks

Move on and find someone who isn't hung up on his ex

Why are you trying to find reasons to chase after with someone this ? Have you a habit of choosing unavailable men ?

AnyFucker Sun 28-Apr-13 21:09:17


SlumberingDormouse Sun 28-Apr-13 21:16:09

Get out now. I once waited around for someone to get over an ex (guess what - he never did!) and it was probably the worst 3 months of my life. Feeling second best is dreadful.

pinkyredrose Sun 28-Apr-13 21:50:58

If you're just casually dating why are you so bothered? Get out there and date other people, this man isn't available for anything more than fun and no strings sex by the sound of it.

elastamum Sun 28-Apr-13 21:57:40

Hate to say this, but the very fact he is telling you all this says you are not top of his agenda. If you were the most important person in his world, he would not be casing after his ex and telling you all about it.

He hasnt moved on and is quite simply emotionally unavailable. I would leave before you get burnt.

AnyFucker Sun 28-Apr-13 21:57:45

Not so high on "fun" either when he is obsessing about his ex every 5 minutes

elastamum Sun 28-Apr-13 21:58:19

Chasing ater his ex - sorry!

Lovetwinkies Mon 06-May-13 11:19:52

Had a long talk with him, and I think I feel happier.

He assures me he has totally moved on which is why he can be friendly with her again.

They are meeting just for a coffee and I do trust him.

pinkyredrose Mon 06-May-13 11:27:22

Do you want to be in a relationship with him?

Lovetwinkies Mon 06-May-13 11:28:34

Yes I do

Helltotheno Mon 06-May-13 11:30:32

Rebound. Unless you're just in it for the zexy times, show him the door.
Ask him what he'd do if she split with the guy and asked your BF to get back with her?

Lweji Mon 06-May-13 11:33:45


ecclesvet Mon 06-May-13 11:38:20

Well done OP for having a healthy relationship with communication and trust. I do believe that you can be concerned for an ex making major life decisions without still being hung up on them. The 'LTB' mindset is jumped to very quickly on this board!

Lovetwinkies Mon 06-May-13 11:39:08

He said he would never get back with her, she is now having doubts about new man and wondering if she is making a mistake, he just wants to make sure she doesnt.

AnyFucker Mon 06-May-13 11:39:46

deary me < sigh >

ChunkyChicken Mon 06-May-13 11:41:05

The trouble is he can say he has moved on & possibly even feel he has moved on but I very much doubt he has. It was a long term relationship that split acrimoniously quite recently. There is unfinished business there, whether its just working out why it finished & accepting it, or otherwise. But he hasn't accepted its over, because he wants to interfere in her new relationship.

And frankly, to me it seems like she isn't over it either & is rushing into things with a new man to help her get over her ex. Don't misunderstand me - she may be with Mr Right and be perfectly happy, but, unless there are mitigating circumstances, it feels like she is almost forcing commitment & that feeling of security that you get from longevity in a relationship - she is engineering it somewhat.

So, IMO, neither of them have laid the relationship to rest and it may take some time. However, he shouldn't be helping her to 'see the error of her ways' - its blurring boundaries. I assume she has other friends & relatives who could talk to her??

So, the question is; are you mentally and emotionally strong enough to put your feelings to one side, be there for him & wait for the natural healing process to occur, and hope that, when he finally reaches acceptance that that relationship is in the past, he will want to be with you?

Lovetwinkies Mon 06-May-13 11:44:10

I think he is over it, although he does think that she is rushing into something else as she is on the rebound from him and has said this to her, she denies it.

Fluffypinkcoat Mon 06-May-13 11:52:44

All this effort for someone you've dated four weeks and for three of those weeks he's been chasing after his ex? Big red warning alarm ding ding at the fact he says she will be on the rebound. Projecting!

Lovetwinkies Mon 06-May-13 11:55:29

Thanks Fluffy, that hit a bum note with me too, I just thought it was conceited. If he thinks she is on the rebound that implies he thinks she is not over him so he shouldn't be interfering or contacting or meeting her surely?

Helltotheno Mon 06-May-13 11:58:52

The thing is OP, if you'd been together two years and he was doing this, I'd say fine.. I'm all in favour of people having friendly relationships with exes, I have with a few of mine.

But you've been together 4 weeks!! You should be in the first flush and things like what his ex is doing should just be white noise in the background. Seriously, he is not over her. As someone said upthread, this just all smacks of unfinished business. Why is he still involved with her major life decisions? He shouldn't care whether she marries the man in the moon, he's with you!!

Lweji Mon 06-May-13 12:03:06

Unless he was concerned about this man and his children, it should not be any of his business.

I wouldn't have this type of chat with any friend, unless I thought the prospective partner was abusive.

Sorry, but I'm not convinced at all about his reasons and would ditch him.

Kione Mon 06-May-13 12:09:29

I agree with Helltotheno.

Lovetwinkies Mon 06-May-13 12:11:55

The trouble is I have really fallen for him, and I want to belive he is over her, he sounds like he is when he is talking, I'm just nervous what will happen when they meet up.

Helltotheno Mon 06-May-13 12:14:07

Break it off and tell him to contact you in six months if he's still interested. By that time, you might have moved on yourself.

lowercase Mon 06-May-13 12:28:42

You don't want to see the truth of it, so you are ignoring your intuition and the collective wisdom of the board.

This will bring you ( even more ) pain.

Stop listening to what he says, and start observing what he does!
He says he doesn't want to be with her, but is going to meet her?

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