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I need some gentle advice about my ds and my feelings on something

(9 Posts)
Pinkflipflop Sun 28-Apr-13 16:18:13

Firstly I feel really strange posting this as I would never discuss it with anyone other than my dh and dm.

My baby ds is gorgeous, beautiful smile, really striking eyes and an absolute dream baby.

However, he has a physical feature which I worry about and that is the shape of his ears. One ear in particular is slightly pointed and I am drawn to it every time I look at him. I'm totally paranoid about it as he is so perfect in every other way. I avoid taking pictures of him on a particular side in case people comment on it.

I would never have noticed this physical feature if it were not for the fact that one of my ears is misshapen, so I know he has taken it after me and I feel so bad. I got teased at school about it but only v slightly but it kind of stuck. I am projecting my insecurities to my ds, this I know.

I took him to get a splint fitted in his ear to try and fix it but £150 later it fell out and just didn't isn't working.

My dh and dm think I'm mad, there is nothing wrong with his ears. My dh says that if there is a slight point on his ear then it is only very slight and nothing to worry about.

How do I overcome this issue? I don't want to spoil any more time of my beautiful son's early months by obsessing about this, what can I do?

When I hear of babies with real health issues it makes me feel so ungrateful, I need to get over this.

pinkpaws Sun 28-Apr-13 18:35:49

Hi yes you do need to get past it its such a silly thing to worry about. You sound like a bright loving mum . Let it go and accept it as part of what makes your little one themselves. It really is not important. Enjoy your son or daughter now as he or she is is.

SwishSwoshSwoosh Sun 28-Apr-13 18:41:57

Hi, I agree that you need to find a way to let this go, but I don't think it is always so simple as just deciding to let something go. It seems your feelings about your ears and your son's ears are all mixed up.

Could you have a couple of sessions of CBT or similar over the phone, knock it on the head?

Sparklyboots Sun 28-Apr-13 18:56:11

Oh, it sounds like the ear is really a sort of lightening rod for your anxiety because even a giant, elf-like pointing ear is hardly a bar to a lovely life. I come from a family of taxi-door ears, my DS has them and I it hasn't occurred to me to worry about it at all because I know so many people who have lived happy and successful lives despite their huge-enough-to-comment-on, qualify-for-plastic-surgery-on-the-NHS (not that anyone has bothered to do anything except make a vague enquiry) ears.

Is it possible that this is really just a symbol of the sorts of things you might be worrying about wrt parenting? I know that it sometimes winds me that however brilliantly thoughtful my parenting is, however well organised my safe guarding procedures are, however fucking ace he is, there is no way to protect him from all the ugly bits of the world, and of life. Nothing I can do will stop him feeling sad, excluded, crap, angry, irrate, scared etc at some point or another. When he was tiny and went out with his dad and granny - his dad and granny for fuck's sake - I'd get insensible with rage and fear if they were like, 5 or 10 minutes late home. Somehow, all the things I couldn't protect him from were bound up in that. I wonder if you are doing a similar thing?

For me it actually helps to try to think honestly about the extent to which I can have control over that stuff, and the extent to which I can protect him. That way I can make rational boundaries around stuff which I can be responsible for, and find it easier to just drop the stuff I can't be responsible for. When I get persistent thoughts about stuff that I can't be responsible for - the way you know you are projecting - I stop and ask myself what is REALLY worrying me. Would something like that work for you? What is really the problem - it's not the ear itself but .... how others will respond? How the baby will feel about himself when he's older? What is it specifically? If you can name it precisely then you can at least think of real and rational strategies that you might use to address those concerns, as well as recognise the extent to which you have agency over those things.

If it is a real issue for him as he grows, he's got you to help him see that there's more to him than the relative size/ shape of his ears. He's got you to empathise with him when he feels down about it, because you had some similar feelings yourself. He's got you and your family who just love him so utterly that really who gives a shit about his ear?

FWIW, I'm slightly relieved about the fact that my DS has big ears - he'd be actually unbearably gorgeous if he didn't. I don't want people to hate him because he's beautiful grin. I mean, that sort probably will but then he can make some brilliantly self-deprecating comment about his ears and they will all be forced to love him anyway....

Piemother Sun 28-Apr-13 19:02:39

How old is the baby? Dds 1 and 2 had very pointed ears when they were born but they just got rounded after a few months. I was a bit disappointed they were such cute little elves!

Blu Sun 28-Apr-13 19:12:39

The thing is, if there IS a chance of him ever being teased, your current reaction, to hide it, try and make it non noticeable and not talked about, could be the worst way to support him.

So his ear is a bit pointy? Teach him to laugh about it and own it.ske matter if fact or affectionatly joky references to his ear and let him know it is part of him that you love and burst with pride over.

Then, if some idiot teases him, he will be equipped with the confidence and may have a different experience to yours.

I have a child with a significant difference. He brushes off, dismisses or has a joke reaction for any adverse attention. But actually he hardly ever gets any.

Pinkflipflop Sun 28-Apr-13 21:32:26

Thanks for the helpful thoughts and perspective on this.

I like the poster who said that they are glad their son had pointy ears as otherwise he was too cute. i understand that, there is absolutely nothing else negative I could say about my ds.

He is 11 weeks, so maybe it will become less noticeable as he becomes older etc.

Agree totally that it is my issue.

Piemother Mon 29-Apr-13 00:03:56

Yeh I reckon the dds had the pointy ears still at 11 weeks. Dd2 is nearly 6 months and I noticed the other day that the points have all bit disappeared so his may do as well. Dd1 is 3.6 and has totally normal ears but I promise you she was born a pixie wink

GeorgianMumto5 Mon 29-Apr-13 00:26:28

Dd had one pointy ear when she was a baby. I adored it - pixie baby. It's all rounded out now though.

Your ds will probably lose his elven look too.

If it's any consolation, I worried about a dimple on dd's lower back when she was a baby. She's 9 now and fine.

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