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Should I be worried or not? Really need some opinions.

(79 Posts)
Quantumchocolate Sun 28-Apr-13 15:43:10

My mind is a bit of a mess at the moment and as I have no one to talk to in real life I'd like a bit of perspective on my current situation.

To try and cut a long story short about a couple of months ago I noticed dh was regularly chatting to someone online most nights. He regularly uses his laptop at night anyway but i got suspicious when he always hid the page when I walked by. I knew he was chatting as I could see the reflection of the screen in the window behind him.

I looked as his FB page and noticed that a woman was clicking like on just about everything he posted and usually within minutes of him posting it. Anyway after delving a little deeper he tells me that he chats to this woman 6 nights out of 7. I have no idea what they are talking about and the laptop has a password. He got a new phone last autumn and he barely lets it out of his sight. It also has a password so I can't access it.

I think he chats to her through Skype and he uses a separate account to chat to her and not the family account that we both have access to.

Two weeks ago this woman decides she is coming to our city and would like to meet up with dh. I felt really uncomfortable with this but he assured me they were just friends. She lives over 2 and a half hours drive away and came with a friend. They spent 8 hours together sightseeing and going to a restaurant in the evening.

Yesterday dh announced she was coming here again. I wasn't happy and he seems to think I'm being ridiculous. He went to meet her at 1.30 and says he'll be home around 9. He didn't know if she was coming alone or not.

Dh has plenty of female friends from university and from work and it's never bothered me but i just feel really uncomfortable about this. He barely speaks to me in the evenings and I often feel invisible.

Am I being ridiculous?

HeySoulSister Sun 28-Apr-13 15:46:04

So where/how did he meet her online?

lemonstartree Sun 28-Apr-13 15:46:53

certainly not being ridiculous. I would be deeply suspicions and very very upset if my DP was doing this.

Quite apart from anything else he is spending time he could be talking tiy YOU , talking to HER, This prioritizing of HER over you/family sounds like an EA to me...

sorry you are having to deal with this

Yonihadtoask Sun 28-Apr-13 15:47:04

Your gut instinct is there for a reason.

He is being very secretive, which of course is going to cause you to suspect the worst.

MissyMooandherBeaverofSteel Sun 28-Apr-13 15:47:05

I don't have a problem with my dh having female friends, a few are his ex girlfriends he goes on the odd night out with some of them and I am probably the least jealous person in the world, but if he was behaving like your dh I would have a huge issues.

Honestly? It sounds like he is having an affair. sad

AnyFucker Sun 28-Apr-13 15:49:32

Were you invited along to meet his new friend?

I think you have a lot to worry about, love

He is starting something in plain sight and doing it this way so you feel you can't veto it

But you can, if you want to

Sugarice Sun 28-Apr-13 15:49:43

Your H is a twat who is seeing another woman.

Sorry you are having to deal with this, do you have children?

Quantumchocolate Sun 28-Apr-13 15:50:27

Just replied to a text that dh sent me and he has confirmed that this time she has come on her own. They are drinking coffee at some upmarket place in town and apparently will be going to a restaurant later. Last time he took me out to a restaurant was about 11 years ago.

Yonihadtoask Sun 28-Apr-13 15:51:39


Mumsyblouse Sun 28-Apr-13 15:53:12

Not ridiculous, it is your DH who is being ridiculous thinking if he's just a tiny bit honest about meeting up with this lady, then you won't notice the enormous great deception he is perpetrating, which is an emotional affair or even worse! (this is a double-bluff tactic where you think he couldn't possibly be having an affair with her as he's told you about her).

His main priority in talking and interacting with females should be with you. You are right to be threatened and worried. He's spending all of the family day of Sunday with her til 9 at night (last train home for her?)

unbelievable he would suggest this, unbelievable you would put up with it. He will get very angry and righteous about his 'new friend' when you challenge him when he comes home, but challenge him you should!

And- of course having female friends is fine, but he doesn't spend all night every night chatting to his old pals or seeing them for 7/8 hours at a time, does he?

AlnwickRose Sun 28-Apr-13 15:53:59


If she is a normal person with no ulterior motives she will think it perfectly reasonable for you to want to meet her in these circumstances.

MumfordandDaughter Sun 28-Apr-13 15:54:07

Doesn't sound great. Why not ask if you and the children can come along on their next 'outing' and see how he reacts to that?

I know that my best friend loves having my dd come with us when we meet up.

Xales Sun 28-Apr-13 15:54:11

He is out on a date with another woman. Not surprised you are a mess sad

I would actually be telling him that if he wanted to salvage your marriage he would be coming home now to start to sort this out. You are gaining nothing from being 'cool' about this.

AnyFucker Sun 28-Apr-13 15:54:19

I am sorry, love

You are being taken for a mug

Are you a mug?

DukeSilver Sun 28-Apr-13 15:54:35

Jesus quantum, that frigging sucks.

It seems that he is basically starting an affair right infront if you. What a bloody dick. I would demand he comes home right now and there is no further contact between them.

MissyMooandherBeaverofSteel Sun 28-Apr-13 15:54:52

Fucking hell, what a bastard.

I usually try to see the good in people and look for the best scenario when people suspect their partners on here, but the best scenario I can come up with here is that he is a thoughtless, arrogant, knobended, selfish wankstain.

Please change the locks and put his bags out now.

Mumsyblouse Sun 28-Apr-13 15:55:14

If i thought my husband was taking a new female friend he'd met online out to a swanky restaurant, I would lock the door, or go to my mums with the kids. He's having an affair, but for some bizarre reason thinks you won't notice it if he's truthful about being there.

If you weren't feeling so awful, you could call his bluff by offering to come and meet his new friend, but tbh, if someone was cheating on me that blatantly, i wouldn't embarrass myself, but I would start thinking my relationship was on the rocks.

Quantumchocolate Sun 28-Apr-13 15:58:08

I have no idea how they met other than the fact it was online.

I was not invited to meet her.

We've been married 12 years and we have 2 disabled sons. Dh works and I'm studying with the OU. We have no family or friends around so I get really lonely. DH struggles to deal with the kids problems so I'm usually left to deal with them. I'm really struggling with depression as it is and I don't think I can cope with this as well.

Whatalotofpiffle Sun 28-Apr-13 15:59:45

I had something similar happen to me and my gut was right. You are not being ridiculous, he cannot undermine your feelings like that.

Have you asked if you can meet her too?

Whatalotofpiffle Sun 28-Apr-13 16:04:17

My ex actually used to cuddle the other woman in public with me there - happened with 2 other women actually and I only found out about the first one after the split.

Sometimes making it obvious convinces them they can get away with it. Please please stand up fit yourself. Tell him how you feel. Tell him he is not respecting you and is making you feel invisible.

Come on, please be strong and be kind to yourself

Xales Sun 28-Apr-13 16:06:13

Damn you have a lot on your plate and a selfish H too sad

I think it would be easier to cope if you were proactive rather than let these things happen/be done to you.

Sorry you are going through this.

I am a bitch so ignore the following

Can you call/FB/text and ask her what she thinks of a man who has been married 12 years who leaves his wife to deal with their 2 disabled children alone while he spends all of 6 out of 7 nights a week 'talking' to another woman ignoring his W and family, arranges to meet her leaving previously mentioned wife all alone with previously mentioned disabled children and takes the other woman to a swanky restaurant when he cannot be bothered to do the same for his wife.

verytellytubby Sun 28-Apr-13 16:06:32

I can be very hot heated and if it was me I'd turn up at the restaurant with my kids.

Unfuckingbelievable. I'm really shocked. You poor thing. I presume he'd be absolutely fine with you meeting a man on the Internet and having an affair as this is what he's doing.

Mumsyblouse Sun 28-Apr-13 16:14:22

Perhaps he thinks it's ok because it hasn't progressed to anything physical (yet)?

Perhaps he thinks because he told you about it it's not wrong (it is)?

But it isn't ok! You can't go meeting women online, chatting to them every night, then taking them out for dinner on their own. You just can't.

Op, your family live far away, but do you have a friend or family member you could call on the telephone for support?

IvanaCake Sun 28-Apr-13 16:16:35

Are you able to message her on facebook? I would do that and invite her over for dinner with her partner/husband, and see what she says.

AThingInYourLife Sun 28-Apr-13 16:18:25

So your husband is now on his second date with his girlfriend.

What are you going to do about it?

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