Dh and I have disagreed lately when it comes to handling our toddler.
Today in the car DD got all whiney asking for her dummy. We have agreed she can only have it at sleep time now which she understands but sometimes she gets bored and gets the idea in her head and that's it. She then upped the anti. I suggested DH and I ignore it after initial attempts to explain/console resulted in howling. DH continued to bark 'stop crying! that's enough!' 3 times he told her to 'stop being naughty!'
And made a loud clapping noise with his hands (grrr!!)
When i suggested this he said (in an aggressive way) 'i am dealing with it!' I explained why i ignore it (because i recognise the cry and it is usually just tiredness and she will forget why she is crying and give up in a minute, but if he tells her to stop like that this will upset her and we will get round 2)...which is exactly what happened...and round 3, and 4 complete with hyperventilating cry...
I couldn't even take her out of her carseat to give her a cuddle as we were driving
He made out all defensively that I was being unfair that i was not allowing him to discipline his own daughter. I said that's not true, I am just discussing a solution with you as her parents and making suggestions based on what i have experienced in hope that we can come to a mutual agreement. I was hoping for a discussion, not a knee jerk reaction and aggressive/defensive response. I wish he would respect that as her mother who spends all day every day with her, I know a thing or two about her personality and I might have some valuable insight. Instead he just immediately shuts me down if i even suggest that perhaps he tried a different tact with DD- such as instead of saying 'don't be naughty!' maybe 'that behaviour is naughty' would be more enabling for her to change that behaviour (big difference in my opinion). Labelling a child as naughty IMO just suggests that is who they are and that can have a profound affect on their self worth. He wouldn't even let me explain my reasons for this. Just cut me off and rolled his eyes.
I have learnt to be really diplomatic when approaching any topic. I don't put him down or tell him he's wrong. I usually start by saying 'hey honey, did you notice that when you reacted like that her crying got louder? I think maybe it might be worth trying x,y and z what don't you think?'
This is usually followed by either complete silence or 'are you serious? Just shush!' Or 'enough Chatty, i think i know what i'm doing here!' (total shut down).
Does anyone else hit these brick walls when it comes to co-parenting? How do you get your point to be heard let alone respected? DH is so defensive about his parenting skills, but he is just so strict! He hasn't ever smacked DD. he adores her but he isn't very gracious or sensitive towards how she might be feeling or the reasons for her behaviour. Makes me sad for DD.
He is also strict with our dogs and i do not agree with how he disciplines them but if i say anything he explodes.
Sorry long post- any suggestions (besides telling me DH is an asshole) welcome.
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Relationships
Not on the same page as DH wrt DD
chattychattyboomba · 28/04/2013 15:24
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