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What do I do?

(25 Posts)
2anddone Sun 28-Apr-13 13:13:27

Ok apologies in advance if this is long!
My sister has suffered with anorexia since she was 12 (for the past 20 years). In that time me and her have become estranged as she is very manipulative and controlling and I didn't want my dc around her. Some of the things she has done in the past to get the attention from our parents onto her and not me include throwing herself down the stairs on my ds christening day, so mum only came to the service not the party. Announcing 6 hours before my wedding that she wasnt coming as she was ill. Meaning my parents spent the whole day upset that she wasn't there to enjoy it. Turning up at the hospital when I was in labour announcing how much she didn't like it then 'fainting' when the mw came to see to me. These are only a very few things, coupled with the fact that she has been in and out of hospital for years and therefore I have always had to play 'second fiddle' and if she is needing a visit I don't get a look in. Times like my dd first birthday party my parents only came for 20 mins, some of their parties they haven't bothered coming to at all.
My mum gets out her frustration by picking on me and picking arguments so that she can release her frustrtion on me not my sister. Whenever she is home I know me and mum will have huge rows which usually end with her saying 'all I do for you' and throwing any tiny thing back in my face down to helping me move house, looking after the dc (about 3 times a year) and stopping to get milk on her way round!
Dh walked out a couple of weeks ago and my parents have not been overly supportive down to asking was it my fault and was I pleased he left. It was a complete shock I have been a mess, dc have been a mess and they have only called round twice (only live 3 miles away and drive).
I text them this morning to ask if they would like to come round after school tomorrow for a coffee and they reply 'lovely can we include your sister'. They know we have no contact, they know I don't want dc around her, they also know they are currently my only form of childcare and that I would have no choice but to text back 'If you want to'. I am now furious with myself I wanted to put NO but I don't have the energy for all of this on top of everything else thats going on at the moment. Now I know they will turn up tomorrow and it wont matter how I am with her whether I ignore her or rush to give her a hug it will be taken in te wrong context and my mum will have a major go at me. All I want is my mum and dad to come round and have a chat about whats going on and give me a little bit of support for a change. What do I do??
Thank you if you stayed to the end, sorry for the spelling and grammar I am crying and cant really see the keyboard x

MissLurkalot Sun 28-Apr-13 13:19:53

Oh lovely... I think go back to them and say that you can't deal with your sister tomorrow. You need them, not her.
I don't now you say it, someone on here will help you with that, but do go back to them.. As hard as it is,,, you need your mum and dad on their own. You don't want her there.xx

mummytime Sun 28-Apr-13 13:21:10

Sorry but what you can do is: start talking to other people, Mums at school, people at work, NCT friends, neighbours. Build a support network which doesn't involve your family.

I am sure that your sister is not the only damaged/damaging one in the family.

2anddone Sun 28-Apr-13 13:23:53

She isn't mummytime the whole lot of them are toxic sad

OddSockMonster Sun 28-Apr-13 13:26:11

Do they know how you feel about your sister? Can you simply be frank with them and say you're having a hard time, would it be okay if it's just them that comes round? Are they under a misguided idea that your sister might be able to help somehow, or maybe now your DH has left that you and she can build bridges?

If youfind your family all too much, I'd suggest seek support elsewhere, including childcare.

OddSockMonster Sun 28-Apr-13 13:27:52

xpost - if you're struggling, will toxic family really help?

Have you got friends you can cal instead?

2anddone Sun 28-Apr-13 13:32:39

They know exactly how I feel about her. They just keep constantly trying to force her onto me. Every couple of years they announce she is 'cured of anorexia' and then 6 months later she is on life support again and I know it sounds selfish but I don't want my children to have to deal with it. I must get a phone call at least once a year from mum saying 'your sister is back in hospital tis could be it this time'. I have cut off emotinally so it doesn't hurt when it happens. There are no bridges to build they were burnt when we were teenagers and my parents had an obvious favourite right down to her being allowed to study ballet at ballet school and me not even allowed to audition for drama school.
I do have other support but sometimes you just want your mum you know?

WinkyWinkola Sun 28-Apr-13 13:34:59

Oh gosh, you must feel like there is nobody who will really support you without an agenda.

Is there any way you avoid the whole of your family for now? I only say this be because I think they will drain you of any reserves you may have.

Your sister will certainly find a way to turn the situation to be about her.

What do you 'need' your family for in terms of help? Is there any way you can just avoid them?

I would actively start trying to build up networks of support as someone else on the thread has suggested.

You're very fragile and I think you need positive people not your family.

OddSockMonster Sun 28-Apr-13 14:02:19

How about you treat your meet up tomorrow as a tester - call you mum today and say you undestand your sister has issues and needs their help (that's how they'll see it at the very least) but you're struggling at the moment and could really do with some support just on your own this time please. You feel you have enough on your plate and can't really help her out right now.

Or something to that effect. And if they ignore that, and really aren't helping you, then seek support elsewhere.

Either that or you could simply cancel tomorrow.

MissLurkalot Sun 28-Apr-13 15:17:36

Well said Oddsockmonster...

2anddone Sun 28-Apr-13 16:22:51

Just tried that, mum said "well we have told her she can come now she will be upset if you don't let her" I am going to do my best to get through tomorrows visit and then I wont invite again sad

OddSockMonster Sun 28-Apr-13 16:49:38

How about you see if a supportive friend can come round in the evening or on Tuesday, just in case it goes a bit belly up.

MissLurkalot Sun 28-Apr-13 17:22:59

Bloody typical!
Ok, well, go with it tomorrow. I don't think your parents are ever going to change...!
Come back on here and give us all an update.. I'll look out for you,
I'm sorry things are tough, and double sorry your parents are being their 'usual' selves....
It sounds very similar to my relationship with my family...
I've worked hard on building a really lovely group of friends over the past year or two. We're not in each others pockets, but they're there for me, and understand me, unlike my family.
It's taken me until the grand age of 38 to realise that they're just not the same as me, they will never change.. And I have has to change how I see them and handle them. It's not been easy, but I've toughened up over the past two years, and will not suffer fools gladly, be them family or not.
It takes time, but it's soooooo worth it.
Your sister has a monopoly over your parents. I'm sure they are there got you... But just maybe not emotionally and how you want them to be.

2anddone Sun 28-Apr-13 18:31:54

Thank you everyone will come back on tomorrow evening to vent let you all know how I get on

2anddone Mon 29-Apr-13 18:24:43

Hi everyone, well I think I survived them coming round by survived I mean kept my mouth shut. They only stayed for an hour. I was moaned at for not greeting them at the door as obviously meant I was ignoring them hmm. They commented on the weeds in the garden and how I should be keeping on top of them! My sister completely ignored me so that was preferable to the questions I was expecting. Mum was more concerned about whether mil had seen the dc more than her. And asking questions about h that I can't answer yet, are you getting a divorce? What's happening with the house and car? Will he still be coming on holiday with us? Wtf!!! She commented on the grass having been cut and I replied he did it when he visited (keeping amicable for dc). To which dad replied leave it dear things are obviously not what they seem!
My friend is pg so i then had comments made about the baby i will have once h moves back in, and how he will be back its all a storm in a tea cup. When I commented on him coming at the weekend to get his things while I take dc out they replied "don't worry about that its all for effect".
They then left with a leaving comment of keep us updated we don't want to hear from anyone else and you know where we are but we are not coming begging to you to talk to us.
So I kept my mouth shut and feel proud for surviving the longest hour ever x

MissLurkalot Mon 29-Apr-13 18:45:16

Hoo bloody rah! My god, thank god sister was on best behaviour.. Shame the same couldn't be said for your Mum.
I don't mean this nastily, but it really sounds like your Mum is the problem!
Maybe that could be why your sister has her issues? I don't know.
But as an outsider looking in, who's been there done it with difficult family members... I really heard you when you said in reply to someone that sometimes we all just need our Mum, or something like that.
I hear you, but certainly, in my case, she is not that person for me... I have other people I'll go to, miles ahead of her.
The best advice I was given, and shall pass on to you. Is
I don't mean to be dis-respectable, but it's your Mum that's the problem.

MissLurkalot Mon 29-Apr-13 18:59:48

Going back to your original post... My point is, I do not believe your parents can give you the support you need. They have seriously fallen short of that, in the past and even now, especially yesterday, they showed AGAIN that they can not provide that for you.
You are always going to be disappointed. Your mum especially comes across as selfish... It's all about her.
If you were my daughter or friend, I would hold you and not let you go. And tell you, things will get better.. Time is a healer and you'll get through this, you're not alone.
Nothing! She sounds more 'put out' by it all, like you are causing her am inconvenience.
I have a relationship with my Mum, but I know, from experience that she is not the person I go to for comfort. I still get upset sometimes when I think 'I want my mum'.. But, she is not that person for me.
She's not a bad person, just very selfish and too wrapped up with her own life to really care or get involved in my and my family's life.
I accept it, and still love her and see her, but is never, ever going to be the mother that I want or need.

WinkyWinkola Mon 29-Apr-13 19:17:23

You survived by keeping your mouth shut? I'm really sad for you. They are dreadful people.

You're having a really bad time and they just niggle at you.

Avoid. They are just hopeless. I would tell them nothing from now on.

2anddone Mon 29-Apr-13 22:02:06

I agree very limited info id the way to go forward. Also yes I do believe mum is the one that causes most issues. Not a lovely thing to admit but true sad

OddSockMonster Tue 30-Apr-13 12:12:37

Well done for surviving it, no go and find lovely people who will ask how are you, how can we help, would you like a hug, and offer all the other support you deserve.

Not a lovely thing to admit, but at least you really do know where you stand now with your family and can move on from that.

How is it going with your split and everything, you've not really mentioned - is your DH being genuinely amicable about it? Are you ok?

MissLurkalot Tue 30-Apr-13 13:05:34

Hi OP, how are you doing today? x

2anddone Tue 30-Apr-13 13:08:57

Split is awful, dc and I have taken it really bad. It came completely out of the blue, 'd'h says he is unhappy and doesn't feel a part of family life,he says he feels we have nothing in common and only talk about the dc. he says there is noone else but I don't think I believe him. He is following the classic ml crisis script. But he is being atm incrediby fair with the financial help he is offering (I am sahm and full time student). I am reciprocating by having him round 2 or 3 times a week and either cooking his tea or him having alone time with the chidren. We have been together since we were 14 so 20 years and married for 7 I feel like I have lost my best friend even though I understand people can grow apart especially as I have noone to have dc so we never get anytime just us. He is taking the rest of his things Sunday and I just feel sick thinking about it sad

2anddone Tue 30-Apr-13 13:13:04

Hi Miss Lurkalot sorry x post. Today is an ok day. H is coming to see dc tonight and I am going to stay strong and ask him what bits he is taking Sunday as I need to prepare for potential gaps on shelves etc so I am ok when the dc notice as he doesn't want to tell them he is taking the rest of his things. I am hoping it will just be shoes and clothes for now as he doesn't have his own place and I think it will be easier to explain to the dc if he takes cds DVDs etc once they can help him unpack them at his new place iyswim?

MissLurkalot Tue 30-Apr-13 13:22:42

I'm sorry to hear about everything... It all sounds so very much to deal with at one time. I hope you're taking care if yourself and taking little steps...
I'm not good with advice about your marriage... Could you add a new thread to the relationship board about your marriage?
There is sooooooo much great advice on here from people on the exact same situation. This thread might just get answered about your sister and your mum.. But do add another one.
It is such a long time to be with someone. And things must be truly awful somedays... (( )).
I feel for you and your little one..It's so unfair and quite heartbreaking to see your little one upset by it all.
I'll look out for you on here... You come over as strong... And in control... Just be kind to yourself... xx

2anddone Tue 30-Apr-13 14:00:18

Thank you so much that's a lovely thing to say x

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