New relationship, I find some chemistry with someone else... what to do?

[Bennille]

I've been dating a man for nearly three months - it's been going really well, he's brilliant, funny, and I really like him. My friends like him, his friends like me, and we're about to become serious.

Then, on a night out, I meet someone else - there was a tonne of chemistry, and sparks, but nothing happened, although I knew it could have. This other man is, I think, not really a viable option - mainly as a result of distance.

This week, I've been feeling terribly guilty about this, and it's worried the "romantic" in me that I should not be attracted to someone else so early in my relationship - I should only have eyes for my boyfriend. The logical side says things are going well with my boyfriend, it was just bad timing, things are good here.

If this was 5 years into a marriage, I'd know the answer - it was nice to get some attention from someone else, but don't throw away marriage for it - but it's only three months in - does it mean there's something wrong? Or am I just being silly?

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

It's precisely because it's early in the relationship that you should still be checking out the competition. :) You owe a boyfriend for three months nothing except - if you want to break it off - honesty. Please don't feel guilty.

[Bennille]

That's definitely one interpretation - and I appreciate it - three months, I agree, isn't that long - but it seems very unfair to be checking out the competition - if I told this to my new boyfriend, I'm not sure he'd want to stick around. I think he's starting to see us as a solid unit, and I thought that was the trajectory we were heading in

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

Well of course you don't tell him. :) Just because you've settled on one frock, doesn't mean you can't carry on window shopping or feeling a bit of fabric. (No innuendo intended) Trajectories nothing.... if him seeing you as a 'solid unit' is, on any level, giving you the heebie-geebies and making you feel a bit rushed or trapped then listen to that inner voice, have fun but don't commit.

[MadBusLady]

Hm. Think I'd be a bit wary of just writing it off as "romantic" and plodding on with existing guy, TBH.

What are we talking about wrt "distance"?

[Mumsyblouse]

The warning bell here is that you would like something to happen with the other man, except for 'distance' i.e. he's a contender.

If you were besotted with your new man, but you noticed this other man who was very attractive/good-looking but was not real challenger in the personality/bonding/compatibility stakes, then it would just be a flirtation which is nice but not threatening. You are allowed to find other people attractive, but if you really think that if he was available then you would go for him, this does say something about your current relationship, sorry!

[Branleuse]

don't get too serious with the guy you're dating yet. cool it down a little while you listen to how you really feel.
you don't owe anyone anything at this point.

[Bennille]

I was worried you'd say what you're saying - it was all going so well, and then I meet someone else - but distance wise, we're talking a couple hundred miles.

[MadBusLady]

DP and I managed over that distance for a couple of years.

[Bennille]

No, but I don't know the other man at all, and all my friends think my boyfriend is perfect, I really like him ...

[MadBusLady]

I'm sure he's great, but I'm equally sure your friends would like any other great man you found.

I think you are doing a lot of permanent thinking. You don't actually have to make a forever choice right this minute. It is ok to be in a phase of uncertainty and to entertain different possibilities about your future. When you said in your OP "we're about to become serious" it did sound slightly like you had made an appointment with a solicitor present. I'm possibly projecting a bit here, but if I could change one thing about my past behaviour it would be to be in less of a rush to achieve certainty and "settle down" with people. I think there's a risk you end up feeling you rushed yourself to a conclusion.

If you had that kind of wild pull towards someone, it's as well to heed it isn't it - even if heeding only means stopping being in such a rush to get serious with current BF. Plenty of married/partnered people idly think "phwoar" about other people, but that isn't what happened I don't think?

[Branleuse]

chemistry can mean anything. you can have amazing chemistry with a good friend. doesn't mean you want to set up house with them
are you saying though that you don't have chemistry with your boyfriend?