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Help please... Dv, my parents & me

(17 Posts)
DistantDaughter Sun 28-Apr-13 11:23:58

On Friday evening I took a call from my Mum, who was ostensibly calling to wish DH happy birthday, but 'dropped into' the conversation how DF has pushed her that morning (she thinks he meant to hit her but he is 80 & frail so didn't manage), she had cut her head and it wouldn't stop bleeding. Earlier in the week he had threatened her with a hammer. I immediately said she should get the injury checked out and to call the police, this kind of thing has happened very infrequently but for as long as I can remember. DM refused and seemed to want to use me as some kind of counsellor... that sounds selfish but I've been listening to exactly the same complaints since I was a child, she won't listen when I offer advise, and I no longer feel it's appropriate for her to offload in this way on her daughter.

Now I've had an email from an Aunt overseas who has spoken to Mum this morning, basically saying how awful my DF is, how I can't let this go on, how I must do something... This has really upset me this morning and I'd like advice on what people think I should do, as this has turned me back into a 7 year old again, I feel scared and horrid just like I used to. For background, I have siblings, one of whom knows exactly what happened and has indicated that I should drop everything and go down to my parents (he is too busy) - I live 150 miles away and have a baby. WWYD?

Saddayinspring2 Sun 28-Apr-13 11:26:44

Tell your dm now you have heard what you have heard you would like to call the police and she must report.
Would you let her stay with you?

delilahlilah Sun 28-Apr-13 11:26:54

Pass the buck. Call social services and send them in to sort it out. Tell them you are concerned for their welfare. They should be able to help, if nothing else because of his age.

DistantDaughter Sun 28-Apr-13 11:28:28

I offered to call the police myself and she refused, I don't want to call them without her say so IYSWIM. I would have her stay except we only have the one bed, we could sort something out. Good idea about calling SS.

squeakytoy Sun 28-Apr-13 11:29:52

I would ring the non-emergency police number and explain what is happening.

How old is your mum?

The situation sounds very dangerous. Is there alcohol involved? Or dementia?

My ex had parents who were both in their late 70's. It was a really horrible situation for all the family. The parents were very wealthy but both had alcohol problems, and his mother had dementia too, and the end result was that the mother got moved into a care home, before one of them ended up killing the other.

I am sure someone will come along with more suggestions, but the nearest sibling out of you should go over and get your mother away from the situation and get her head injury checked out too.

Earthworms Sun 28-Apr-13 11:33:30

Hang on, everyone else thinks you should sort it out. But they are doing precisely fuck all ho help beyond guilt tripping you about it.

I'm a shit stirring sod when I'm roused, email the aunt and tell her there's a crisis life and death and she needs to get herself here now. Same for the cheeky brother.

Then call adult services and fuck off on holiday for a bit, leave em to it.

Sorry, not helpful I know, but I'm so angry on your behalf op. everyone just dumps their shit on you and guilt trips you about it.

Lavenderhoney Sun 28-Apr-13 11:36:43

It's all very well putting the onus on you to do something, but it must come from your dm. You chasing all that way will achieve what? If she won't call the police or go and see them, then you will just be a buffer for lots of upsetting talk, your df will know and maybe have another go later, when you have gone.

Could you have her to pack and come to you for a few days?

What does she want to do? If its been going on years then what has she done before and is she finally ready to leave? Or does she feel its too late now?

I feel very sorry for you -are any of your siblings nearer? Can't they help?

Is your df ok though? Should she call a doctor, as he might be hallucinating if on new medication or something? He sounds quite strong for an 80 year old.

My dm refused to leave my df who made us all miserable and then her for years and years. In the end, we all refused to listen as she wouldn't go and it was too upsetting to listen too, draining and exhausting plus brings up so many awful memories. We also had relatives saying it couldn't go on - but how could we, even as adults stop it? The same conversation for over 50 years, their whole miserable married life.

Saddayinspring2 Sun 28-Apr-13 11:36:56

Yes, tell your brother you can give some help, but he needs to help out too.

DistantDaughter Sun 28-Apr-13 11:36:58

DM is nearly 80, no dementia, just generally old-age memory problems, but not causing this - as I mentioned its a pattern of behaviour that has been repeated since I was tiny and probably before I was born, and no alcohol either. Earthworms - I think you are channeling my DH there as he is sorry for my parents but sees this as yet another problem that shouldn't be mine IYSWIM. Problem is I can't see it like that when I've had DM on the phone in distress. (I can a little more when DBro sticks his oar in...)

DistantDaughter Sun 28-Apr-13 11:39:37

"My dm refused to leave my df who made us all miserable and then her for years and years. In the end, we all refused to listen as she wouldn't go and it was too upsetting to listen too, draining and exhausting plus brings up so many awful memories."

This is exactly how it feels for me too, Lavenderhoney, thank you. No, she won't leave. I sometimes feel she enjoys (wrong word) having a crisis as in the same conversation she brought up how her DM used to behave to her, who has been dead nearly 20 years.

hf128219 Sun 28-Apr-13 11:39:51

Your df could have dementia. It can often manifest itself in violence or aggression. Could you call their GP?

ageofgrandillusion Sun 28-Apr-13 12:17:43

I agree with posters who say to keep out - your mother is an adult and if she chooses to stay with this bully that is her choice.
That said ... if you want to help, not sure going to SS is right choice. Would she want all this upheaval at her age? How would it pan out in terms of one of gem moving out? Can they afford it?
Cant your DH to go have a 'friendly chat' with your old man? Tell him what's what?

squeakytoy Sun 28-Apr-13 12:36:26

"your mother is an adult and if she chooses to stay with this bully that is her choice"

She is an old lady of nearly 80! she has probably spent all her adult life trapped in a relationship that there was no help available to escape from, and is scared of the future.. she hasnt made a "choice", she has probably got no choice really.

"Cant your DH to go have a 'friendly chat' with your old man? Tell him what's what?"

I think that is probably something that would make the situation even worse!

Saddayinspring2 Sun 28-Apr-13 12:44:52

You can contact SS and say she is a vulnerable adult.. Or the GP or OOH, they do a POVA form and home circs will be assessed.. Not acceptable.

Lavenderhoney Sun 28-Apr-13 13:31:21

Yes, at that time of life, from that generation, and in my mothers position of no family support from when she was 15 ( orphaned) that home is better than no home, plus so much has been shared " he won't cope without me" elc etc. she probably feels its too late now.

Bizarrely my dm is dismissive of divorced women and always has been.

You could offer practical help, such as lock on her bedroom door if they have separate rooms. And a look at grans net if she can't get out much now.

Your dh would be wasting his breath, IMO, and cause more trouble- no respect, you put him up to it etc..

A bit of straight talking with your dm, on the phone perhaps - do you want me to help you or not? And if your family still try and guilt trip you, you have to say, she doesn't want to leave so I can't help.

KansasCityOctopus Sun 28-Apr-13 13:37:29

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Grinkly Sun 28-Apr-13 15:25:20

What about speaking to your GP and see what the advice is regarding your DF threatening DM with a hammer. I think that sounds violent enough that they might get SS involved, or it would be easier to approach SS if you could say 'my GP advises that.....'

We have this prob in my family - problem aged relative, their DS tries to help, nothing solves it, other family /friends tell him he must do more. He is run ragged. I keep telling him he must take a step back, it is the (not v old) relative who is the only one who can change things, not him, but he is too guilt tripped to do that. So it goes on.

It's is so unfair of DB and DAunt to dump this on you. I would say to them if they could come and child mind for a few days you would be glad to go to DMs and help. They won't want to do that, any more than they actually want to help DM, but they might stop nagging you.

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