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What would make you leave a relationship after 14 years? No cheating, no dv, no abuse, no ow...

(14 Posts)
Shellywelly1973 Sun 28-Apr-13 10:55:04

Im going to end my relationship of 14 years. We have 3 dc. Many people probably won't understand why I've ended the relationship.

There isn't any abuse etc as the title says.

There is also no care, passion, communication, respect, fun, shared interests or understanding in our relationship.

I had a miscarriage 9 weeks ago & dp's inability to care or talk to me or with me was the final nail in the coffin.

The problem is Im desperate for one last dc. If we part i won't have any more dc. Im almost 40...

How do i reconcile my need for another dc with my relationship ending?

quietlysuggests Sun 28-Apr-13 10:57:44

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Leverette Sun 28-Apr-13 10:58:37

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Shellywelly1973 Sun 28-Apr-13 11:03:55

I've not been happy for about 8 years but its got worse in the last 5 years. We've split up twice for short periods but it always goes back to him doing & contributing nothing. Me running around like a headless chicken feeling resentful towards him. I've wanted another dc for a few years but hoped we could improve the relationship. He doesn't want to try for another baby. So i can't see where we go from here...

Shellywelly1973 Sun 28-Apr-13 11:06:46

Sorry meant to add we weren't ttc but both were happy when we found out. Actually the short time i was pregnant were the best weeks we've had in years...makes it all worse some how.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 28-Apr-13 12:27:00

I think you're looking at two very different problems to solve. Being deeply unhappy is a perfectly good reason for getting out of a relationship. Don't think you have to justify it any more than that. Wanting another child - there are other ways to conceive beyond the traditional thing of finding a male partner. However, what I would say is that you should resolve the first one first, get yourself and your DCs settled in your new lifem then think about the latter.

Shellywelly1973 Mon 29-Apr-13 00:00:36

I totally get what your saying but if i leave,well i won't leave he will but once the relationship has ended i won't have the choice of another child.

Im approaching 40. We hadn't been using contraception for nearly a year before i became pregnant.

I realistically will have an extremely limited social life and the opportunity to meet someone else in time to have another child. I don't really want another relationship.

I have 2grown up children & had been on my own for 8 years before i met dp. I had been on dates but nothing serious. I was 26 then, had a career, social life, was studying for my degree, looks etc! I don't exactly have alot going for me now!

I have considered just having an 'accident' but it feels wrong or dishonest. Dp isn't hands on & i can't imagine access will be more then a day or two days per month.

I have tried but i realistically know it will never change with dp. I can't stand the thought that i will end up on my own with him when the dc grow up. I've wasted the best years of my life on him, i feel so disappointed in myself.

I don't have a career, friends, hobbies or any life of my own. I was so stupid. I asked nothing of him & that's what i got back-nothing. He basically joined my life, i was so grateful to him for taking me on with 2 dc. Looking back, i realise he's exactly the same, its me whose changed.

BasilBabyEater Mon 29-Apr-13 00:10:23

SW, sometimes when you split up with someone, you act on instinct.

It's incredibly difficult to explain to other people why you are splitting and to the outside world, it looks as if you are frivolously breaking up a relationship for no good reason.

But after years of working it out, you can look back and thank your lucky stars that you ended it because things were much worse than you actually realised at the time, but you'd normalised it and got used to being unhappy.

I think you're having difficulty pin-pointing what's wrong, but that doesn't mean nothing's wrong or that you're wrong to split.

I don't know what to say about the having another child issue, only you can decide what your priority is here. All I can say is that if you decide that another child is more important than ending this unfulfilling relationship, you have no guarantee that sticking around in it will result in a child. That's a risk you take staying in the relationship.

Do you think couples counselling might help you?

Shellywelly1973 Mon 29-Apr-13 00:24:01

He won't go to counselling, I've been & even offered to pay for couples counselling.

I don't actually care about how outsiders view me or my behaviour or relationship anymore. I suppose i need to feel justified to myself-iyswim?

We don't have close family apart from my younger sister. She's fantastically supportive of me & i am of her. I used to be close/influenced by my older sister & mum but I've distanced myself from them over the last year & more so since the miscarriage as they both were really awful to me when i desperately needed support & care.

BasilBabyEater Mon 29-Apr-13 20:26:14

I'm always amazed by people who would rather lose their homes, relationships and families rather than talk to a stranger for an hour.

And wonder how much they really care about the homes, relationships and families.

Someone who is not prepared to go to counselling to make something better, doesn't really value it that much, do they?

BasilBabyEater Mon 29-Apr-13 20:29:19

Sometimes you struggle to explain it to yourself as well btw.

For years I struggled to justify why I dumped my children's father.

It took me literally years to work out why I'd done it. And when I realised just what a malevolent, destructive force he'd been, I was horrified - because I hadn't noticed. I'd got so used to his behaviour, I'd normalised it. It was a real instinct to split, all I knew was that I simply couldn't go on anymore, but it was years before I consciously understood why I couldn't go on IYSWIM.

It sounds to me like you might be in a similar place, but apologies if I'm projecting.

BasilBabyEater Mon 29-Apr-13 20:34:29

I just want you to trust your instincts. Sometimes, we feel like we need to dot every i and cross every t before we can act. But in some cases, you need to be free of the relationship before you can do that - it's only later on, when you are free of the fog so you can see again, that you are able to understand why you needed to split.

There is an immense amount of pressure on people to stay in relationships once they are in them. We are not encouraged to ask ourselves why on earth we should bother continuing the relationship and unless we come up with 3 good reasons, to end it. We're encouraged to keep the relationship going unless there are a million good reasons to end it. The default is to assume that the relationship should be fought for rather than ended, but if you think about it, there's absolutely no reason whatsoever, why that should be the default.

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 30-Apr-13 06:41:52

"once the relationship has ended i won't have the choice of another child."

But if your relationship is already on the rocks, wouldn't it be foolish to bring another child into it? Please examine your motives here because living with parents that have no time for each other or are openly hostile is a pretty miserable way for a kid to grow up.

virgilsmuse Tue 30-Apr-13 09:53:42

Two separate issues really.

Would be completely unfair or both him and the child to essentially try and get pregnant and then leave him.

Perhaps I'm being unfair but that's really very selfish.

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