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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Crap sex

35 replies

Mouldybread · 28/04/2013 10:10

I've name changed, wouldn't usually but think he knows my NN.

What do I do? I thought it would get better as he got more comfortable in the relationship. It hasn't.

He won't touch me. The sex is all about PIV, only ever in bed, when we have gone to bed already, one time, and then he just goes to sleep. When I talk about it he feels embarrassed and that makes it worse.

He doesn't show me much physical affection the rest of the time unless I initiate it, he doesn't ever seem turned on by me. He seems afraid of me...

Last year something happened and I lost respect for him (not cheating but lying by omission). I have been trying to come to terms with my new view of him since then.

I am being drawn to other men. One tried to kiss me recently, thinks I'm "an amazing woman", says he can't keep away from me, said he loves me (WTF?). I have rejected him in no uncertain terms but it is difficult... I am tempted... It is a mess. The cowardly and easy way out would be to make my primary relationship seem more bearable by going outside it, which I know would be wrong so don't want to do that but the alternative is leaving a relationship that is perfectly good but just lacks intimacy. I have tried talking about this now for 5 years.

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something2say · 28/04/2013 10:13

I think re frame the way you see the relationship. Maybe stop thinking it is perfectly good, and start seeing it as missing a vital ingredient xxx

Fallenangle · 28/04/2013 10:17

How is a relationship without the ntimacy you need 'perfectly good'?

Mouldybread · 28/04/2013 10:18

yes, I suppose. However, I can't afford to leave either. :( I don't know really whether I want to. I feel I would like some space. Feel like I'm being fought over like a dog toy. I don't want to hurt anyone. Tempted by doing the ostrich. Thinking I need to stop speaking to the sap who thinks he loves me... FFS... That will be difficult though as he runs my only social activity!

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scaevola · 28/04/2013 10:18

I think you've done the right thing to reject involvement with OM. The temptation is a wake up call about your primary relationship and going outside it will only make things harder.

As you say it's been 5 years trying to mend the sexual aspect, you really need to think hard about whether you can see a way ahead in that relationship. A partner who rejects your needs consistently for so long may not be that wonderful. For 5 years isn't a blip, and does seem to show a sustained disregard for your wishes, or even the basics of fair exchange (which would mean sometimes as he likes it, sometimes as you do).

As this is compounded by your new view of his trustworthiness, one thing to consider is whether it is indeed a "perfectly good" relationship. Lack of trust and lack of intimacy aren't features usually considered 'good'.

Guiltypleasures001 · 28/04/2013 10:18

If your flogging a dead horse, it might be time to bury the carcass and move on.

Mouldybread · 28/04/2013 10:20

Because the relationship has always had an element of being about providing a degree of financial stability for the children, because we laugh, we share interests, he is exceptionally supportive of me, we like each other, he is just so unconfident sexually, if anything it is getting worse over time.

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something2say · 28/04/2013 10:21

Is it a deal breaker? Only you can decide x

SheerWill · 28/04/2013 10:23

You are entitled to have a fulfilling relationship and there are clearly issues with the current one. Instead of being tempted by other men, finish it with the one who leaves you wanting more and give yourself some time to figure out what you want. I was in a sexually frustrating marriage and it was soul destroying. I'm so lucky to now be with a man that ticks all the boxes rather than settling for less.

Hassled · 28/04/2013 10:23

How much of an issue was the crap sex before In-Love-Bloke came along? I'm guessing that the realisation that other men do find you attractive has made what is effectively one long rejection at home feel worse.

Do you have kids together?

Mouldybread · 28/04/2013 10:24

It probably is a dealbreaker. I could be happy with the addition of agreed upon extra-marital flings, he would not be happy with this so in total it should be.

I think I don't want to really admit what you say very accurately, that the relationship isn't really that good. I feel conned, he pretended to be different at the start.

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Fallenangle · 28/04/2013 10:25

What about going together to Relate?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 28/04/2013 10:27

What do you get out of this relationship now?. What keeps you here now?.

Do you love him?. You write that you like each other.

As for shared interests well what are they?. This other bloke you fortunately gave the brush off too seems to run your only social activity.

It seems that an underlying 5 year intimacy problem has been further complicated by his lying through omission. Both of you seem afraid of where things could go from here and neither of you really perhaps want to face the truth. The children as well should not be the glue that binds you two together.

None of what you write are actually reasons for staying in such a poor relationship; it also shows your children a poor model of how relationships are conducted. Your children likely see how unhappy you are and perhaps even blame themselves for your unhappiness.

Mouldybread · 28/04/2013 10:27

Crap sex has been an issue for 5 years. There was 6 months of reasonable sex.

Yes, I know it feels worse because there's another offer.

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AttilaTheMeerkat · 28/04/2013 10:28

Its not a great offer is it?

Mouldybread · 28/04/2013 10:31

He refuses to go to counselling. I have spoke about that before.

I get security, he gets "a beautiful wife"...

He is funny and kind and a good man.

I know that sounds silly. Staying would be settling but I know if I committed to it I might be happy.

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Mouldybread · 28/04/2013 10:33

God no, it's a stupid offer! A stupid offer that I would not be bothered by if I were single, I mean "love"? WTF? I know this is about the state of the primary relationship, I just know I could scratch an itch elsewhere though.

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Numberlock · 28/04/2013 10:36

Get rid. Crap sex is soul-destroying and will make you feel shit about yourself. If he refuses to address the problem he's telling you that he doesn't care about you so listen to him.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 28/04/2013 10:37

You get really nothing from this relationship now with him do you?.

He refuses to go to counselling eh, why am I not surprised?. They often do not.

He gets what he wants out of this i.e you being subservient to him and feeling trapped. He is patently not a good man if you are being treated in such a manner.

How much more of a commitment can you bring to this relationship when he is neither prepared or even bothered to address the issues as he seems perfectly happy as he is?. Why sell yourself short now, he's had more than 5 years to address the intimacy issues and the long and short of it is that he cannot be bothered to do so, your concerns are not of his concern.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships, surely not this poor example of a relationship?.

Mouldybread · 28/04/2013 10:41

I know he cares about me, I think he cares more about himself when it comes down to it though. He is uncommunicative, would find counselling hard. Would do it as an alternative to me leaving I think.

I'm a bit of an arsehole and difficult to live with.

We can't afford to split up at the moment either.

Maybe I'm doing that stupid thing of coming her to be consoles so I don't have to do anything.

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AttilaTheMeerkat · 28/04/2013 10:50

These men only ever care about their own selves ultimately; anyone else is but of secondary interest (note I did not write concern) to them even if they are bothered.

He would never go to counselling in a month of Sundays; counselling for your own self alone may be helpful to you though. Do you really want to spend the rest of your life with this individual who is also uncommunicative (surprise, surprise) to boot?.

I doubt very much that you are actually so difficult to live with; he has perhaps made you feel that way though.

How do you know you cannot afford to split up at the moment; that can sometimes be stated out of a lack of knowledge or not having sought any legal advice. Knowledge after all is power.

Doing nothing/being the ostrich as you know deep down is not an option now because that does not change the current situation any.

Mouldybread · 28/04/2013 11:03

Our family situation means it would be difficult and expensive even to separate for a while and we would likely have to take on (more) debt to afford it.

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Mouldybread · 28/04/2013 11:06

The lack of communication can benefit me, it has allowed me lattitude to live as I please in various ways, this is me being an arsehole, it doesn't help him to feel like he can be intimate. I don't like to be restrained.

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LeChatRouge · 28/04/2013 11:13

You have to talk to him. He feels embarrassed? Well, tough.

Tell him how you feel about him, how the situation makes you feel, what you would like it to be like. Less 'you don't, you should, why don't you' and more 'I want, we could.' Suggest a trial period of improving things. Both of you need to make more effort.

If nothing changed, or it slides back to a level only he is comfortable with, you have an answer.

Mouldybread · 28/04/2013 11:27

I have told him how I feel but as and when, perhaps not all drawn together. I have not told him about the sap because I know he will not want me to see him again and me going to my social activity will gradually become pointless. I will feel stifled and resentful.

I have always expressed things gently rather than in an accusing way, I was wondering if I actually just need to be more forceful in how I express things so there can be no ignoring of it.

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Mouldybread · 28/04/2013 11:30

I think he feels that whatever he does he cannot please me. It is because he tried to guess what I want instead of talking to me about it.

He also fundamentally thinks I don't want him, which is becoming a self-fulfilling prophecy.

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